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The Bonus You Want Is Just One Devastated Bank Teller Away

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Last week we discussed the concept of the Do It Yourself bonus, for those who anticipate a battle with management on comp this year. Rather than wasting your time negotiating, why not just take what you know in your plums you deserve? While successfully robbing a bank is as easy these days as scribbling on a fake beard, there are other options should you be uncomfortable with such an aggressive plan. For instance, you could put the moves on a couple of bank tellers and then watch as the identity theft-facilitating panties drop.

A hard-partying Bronx ladies' man with a criminal past was hauled into court Thursday on charges he swiped $1 million from JPMorgan Chase by seducing bank tellers. Richard Dames, who calls himself Geovanni Kasanova, and five others were named in a 148-count indictment charging they stole the identities of 80 victims in a scheme that ran from 2009 to 2011...Among his co-conspirators are two tellers, who were in love with him. Kia Wylie, 30, who pleaded not guilty to selling the stolen identities of nine account-holders to Dames, had a love letter she wrote him in her desk drawer, officials said. Malika Williams also pleaded not guilty - and her lawyer insisted she was a victim. "He set her up," Anthony Evans said. Dames picked up the 25-year-old at a bar and convinced her their relationship was real, he said. "She's an overweight, shy girl who doesn't date a lot - to her he's a Casanova," Evans said.

Dames, who appeared in court with his underwear sticking out of his charged with using the data to open credit card and eTrade accounts and make cash withdrawals.

In the unlikely event you get caught, you'll want to make sure to play it cool and vague like Kasanova, who when first asked by the cops about Williams simply responded "I know several Malikas."

Con Man Charged With Stealing $1 Million By Seducing Bank Tellers [NYDN]


Confidential To One Small Arachnid: Jamie Dimon Is Coming For You

The past couple of weeks, some might argue, have been the worst of Jamie Dimon's professional career. Although being fired by Sandy Weill in 1998 was obviously a distressing time in Dimon's life, a JPMorgan trader's multi-billion dollar (and counting) loss appears to be even more painful for the CEO, who now has a reputation (and a title: "America's Least Hated Banker") to defend. While it's unlikely that the blunder will cost him his job, every article written questioning Dimon's judgment, suggesting that he is in fact fallible, and wondering aloud if he is simply a pretty face (that is about to get the regulation it has vociferously argued against rammed down its throat) clearly hurts. So far, Dimon has chosen to frame the situation, at least publicly, as a group fuck-up, one for which the responsibility is shared among himself, The Whale, The Whale's bosses, and The Whale's bosses' bosses. Over the weekend, though, a heretofore unmentioned character, whose actions set in motion the events that served to tarnish JD's halo, was added to story. And now, Dimon has a place to channel his anger: on a bloodsucking vermin whose days are numbered. Ever since JPMorgan Chase disclosed a multibillion-dollar trading loss this month, the central mystery has been how a bank known for its skill at risk management could err so badly. As early as 2010, the senior banker who has been blamed for the debacle, Ina Drew, began to lose her grip on the bank’s chief investment office, according to current and former traders. She had guided the bank through some of the most rugged moments of the 2008 financial crisis, earning the trust of Jamie Dimon, JPMorgan’s chief executive, in the process. But after contracting Lyme disease in 2010, she was frequently out of the office for a critical period, when her unit was making riskier bets, and her absences allowed long-simmering internal divisions and clashing egos to come to the fore, the traders said. The morning conference calls Ms. Drew had presided over devolved into shouting matches between her deputies in New York and London, the traders said. That discord in 2010 and 2011 contributed to the chief investment office’s losing trades in 2012, the current and former bankers said. “When Ina was there, things ran smoothly,” one former trader there said. But Ms. Drew’s firm hand began to weaken after she contracted Lyme disease. Her absences opened the door for tensions among her deputies to flare into the open...Most significant, her deputy in New York was increasingly at loggerheads with her deputy in London who spearheaded the strategy behind the losing bet, Achilles Macris, the current and former traders said. But there was only so much she could do when she was away. So, first off, the tick that bit Drew is a dead man (though probably a woman, as "the female adult is usually the one causing the most bites as males usually die after mating"). If people thought Dimon was mad after being informed of the losses, just wait. He's going to find that bitch tick and shoot her with a cannon. Next, it's time to put some safeguards in place to protect his bank from anymore "surprises." Effective immediately, JPMorgan employees are banned from venturing into the forest, for any reason whatsoever. Same goes for grasslands, marshes, and anywhere tall grass grows. Anyone planning on prancing through the meadows in slow motion to meet up with and embrace a loved one in some kind of romantic gesture can forget it. The JMPorgan Outdoor Club is officially disband. Contact with children who are cub scouts is forbidden. Any girl scouts who attempt to set foot on the premises in order to sell cookies will be shot on sight. (These people are breeding grounds for ticks, what with their expeditions into the woods for merit badges and whatnot. He's going first derivative here, while at the same time trying to not enact mandates that make him look ridiculous.) Discord at Key JPMorgan Unit Is Faulted in Loss [NYT]