Ties No Longer Part Of UBS's Comeback Plan

Author:
Bess Levin
Updated:
Jan 14, 2019
Original:
Aug 1, 2011

Last month UBS said it would be introducing a dress code that would require employees to wear full suits on the job, in order to "re-establish credibility and a sense of professionalism.” The staff was less than enthused about the new rule but today brings the good news that those who spent hours practicing the bank's patented step-by-step guide re learning how to tie a tie can simply chalk it up to a life skill they now posses but need not use daily.

"The best part of last week's news that we hired a new global co-head to replace Yassine Bouhara? He was the driving force behind all of us having to switch to suits and ties. The Stamford floor has been informed they can stop wearing ties again (just jackets). No official memo out, just being communicated by management via word of mouth. No change in NYC yet, but with morale as bad as it is with job cuts coming, etc, everyone is hoping we'll be thrown the same bone as Stamford."

Carsten Kengeter, who finds inspiration in interesting places, has been replaced by Bear Stearns alum Sam Molinaro.

The following is a (not at all comprehensive) list of things that UBS could legitimately be embarrassed about: - Losing so much money that a rogue trader's $2billion loss barely registered above 'meh' on the Do We Care scale - Awarding 4-figure bonuses to managing directors - Employing a guy who "implored bankers to make a more concerted effort to streamline the firm and likened the strategy to slashing expenses like a 'Jewish shopkeeper'" - Having their entire healthcare team decide Jeffereies is a better place to work - Being scammed by a bunch of ops guys - Pulling a reverse Field of Dreams and spending all the money it didn't have to build a 103,000-square-foot trading floor, in a 700,000-square-foot building, that no one wants to work on - Getting no respect from the people of Stamford, who'd prefer "a nice big Costco" move into the space - Having to distribute a step-by-step guide re: how to tie a tie And yet, rather than feel some measure of humiliation about, for instance, the PowerPoint admission that their grown men employees don't know how to dress themselves or taking the time to send out a memo that reads "Subject: Hey, Body: Stop losing so much fucking money!", the bank's execs are going with this: ...Robert Wolf, a top UBS executive in New York, is among President Obama’s leading fund-raisers, building more than $500,000 for his re-election so far this year. A regular presence at big campaign fund-raisers, Mr. Wolf, who is 50, golfs and vacations with Mr. Obama and is known for e-mailing friends photos of himself with the president. While such a close relationship might have been envied by other bankers in 2008, when much of Wall Street was infatuated with Mr. Obama and donated heavily to his presidential bid, it has been making other UBS executives uneasy of late...With media reports pointing out that one of the bank’s top executives is also one of the Obama campaign’s top bundlers — a word that one UBS executive said “makes people’s hair stand on end” inside the bank — the Swiss banking giant has decided to take an unusual step. The bank’s powerful group executive board in Zurich recently presented Mr. Wolf with an edict directing him to report all his media inquiries to the firm’s press office. Since then, most of the requests to speak to Mr. Wolf have been rejected, according to people briefed on the situation, resulting in a much dimmer limelight for Mr. Wolf...“You will clear any and all communications with the press as far in advance as possible,” the directive to Mr. Wolf read. “With respect to activities outside UBS you will, on a best-efforts basis, keep corporate communications informed.” Bosses Reign In Banker Who Golfs With Obama [Dealbook]

You'll have to get your soft-core porn with a side of retail elsewhere.

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