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Steve Cohen To Make Sure TriState Area Superbowl Will Cause All Other Super Bowls To Bow Down Before It In Awe

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Yes, Super Bowl XLVIII is a long way off. Yes, it's hard to get jazzed about a game for which we have no idea who will be playing. Yes, you might actually freeze your ass off. While all of those things may be true, yesterday brought news that should have you salivating for 2014. Because yesterday, we found out that that SB? Stands to be the best one ever, based on a host committee that includes (among others such as Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan, Citi, BlackRock and Paul Tudor Jones): SAC Capital. While the official list cites SAC president Tom "Silver Fox" Conheeney as its point man on the project, make no mistake that Steve Cohen will be heavily involved, no doubt going above and beyond the responsibilities of a typical host. Obviously, Cohen has a lot on the line here, given that his venerable initials are on the thing. Therefore, in an effort to make sure SAC isn't associated with a sack-freezing joke, he'll be taking the following steps to ensure the game is a smash hit.

- SAC junior analysts will serve as airport greeters, presenting vistors with leis made of Mt. Laurels, the Connecticut state flower

- Potluck dinner the night before the game for players and their families at Casa Cohen

- As part of pre-game festivities, SC's best PMs will be dressing up as clowns and making balloon animals for the kids outside the stadium

- SAC fleeces with a special NY/NJ 2014 patch on the sleeve for all in attendance so everyone can stop freaking the fuck out about a cold weather bowl

- If any fans get drunk and unruly, so help him God he will rappel down to their seat, slap their beer out of their hand and put them in a figure four leg lock until security arrives

- Half-time show featuring Nickelback performing while he and Lloyd do an interpretive dance at the 50

- 60-second commercial featuring Rex Ryan continuously yelling "BOOM - TOUGH ACTIN Tinactin"

- During the Doritos spot, SC will be on the sideline shooting bags into the stands out of t-shirt guns

- A giant blimp circling overhead that reads "those who can't trade, play football"

- To make sure the game doesn't look like some Pop Warner clusterfuck, Steve has required that his luxury box be wired with a headset so that should things start to go downhill, he will be able to call the head coach of his choosing an idiot and start calling plays himself

2014 Super Bowl logo unveiled by Host Committee at Meadowlands [NJNR]