How To Succeed On Wall Street Without Trying, Like, At All

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As we surely needn't tell you, when one is a high-powered college student expecting to graduate with a bachelor's degree from Penn next year, one does not have a lot of time on his or her hands. Every moment is precious and efficiency is of the utmost importance. While you might think you already do a fairly good job when it comes to a) time management and b) effectively communicating the fact that taking ten seconds to, say, personalize a job solicitation letter, is a waste of your fucking time that just cost you $10,000, it's never to late to pick up some new tips. Examine, if you will, the following case study.

From: [Redacted Penn Undergrad]
Sent: Tuesday, September 27, 2011 4:41 PM
To: Senior employees at Deutsche Bank, Jefferies, KKR, Blackstone [example : Jonathan Gray], most other PE firms you can think of on Wall Street
Subject: University of Pennsylvania Senior interested in Analyst Position upon graduation

Hello,

My name is [redacted] and I will be graduating from the University of Pennsylvania this May. I am very interested in pursuing a career in investment banking upon graduation and I wanted to know if your firm would be hiring analysts this coming summer. I know you are busy and would appreciate any time you could give me. Thank you in advance and I hope to hear from you soon. My résumé is attached.

Best regards

Notice how the sender conveys so much with so little? Such as:

1) He/she doesn't have time to send each firm an individual email, a sign of great power.
2) He/she has neither the time nor the interest in tailoring messages for those who fall under investment banking and private equity, respectively, also illustrative of the above.
3) He/she is not about to go through HR when going straight to the top will suffice (standard recruitment channels are for peasants and/or graduates of lesser institutions).
4) The lack of a BCC? Not a mistake. You need to know you're all involved in a god damn bidding war.

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