Don't Think He Hasn't Tried

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In addition to being known as one of the most loved and revered businessmen- some would say- ever, a savvy investor and a lover of Cherry Coke, Buffett is known for one thing above all else– going out of his way to awkwardly marry aberrant sex fetish with folksy business wisdom. Some of his greatest hits include telling Bloomberg, on the matter of why people should want to sell their companies to BRK, “You can sell it to Berkshire, and we’ll put it in the Metropolitan Museum; it’ll have a wing all by itself; it’ll be there forever. Or you can sell it to some porn shop operator, and he’ll take the painting and he’ll make the boobs a little bigger and he’ll stick it up in the window, and some other guy will come along in a raincoat, and he’ll buy it.” Telling investors on his decision to buy NetJets, “Once you've flown NetJets, returning to commercial flight is like going back to holding hands." Telling investors, of the housing crisis, “As house prices fall, a huge amount of financial folly is being exposed. You only learn who has been swimming naked when the tide goes out.” Telling CBS, on the topic of bridge: “You know, if I’m playing bridge and a naked woman walks by, I don’t even see her. Don’t test me on that!” Telling Forbes, in 1974, on stocks being undervalued: “[I feel] like an oversexed guy in a whorehouse.” [Forbes changed "whorehouse" to "harem."] Today he added another track to the album in an excerpt of his annual investor letter to be released this spring.

As part of his argument for why one shouldn't own gold, he noted, "Beyond the staggering valuation given the existing stock of gold, current prices make today's annual production of gold command about $160 billion. Buyers -- whether jewelry and industrial users, frightened individuals, or speculators -- must continually absorb this additional supply to merely maintain an equilibrium at present prices. A century from now the 400 million acres of farmland will have produced staggering amounts of corn, wheat, cotton, and other crops -- and will continue to produce that valuable bounty, whatever the currency may be. Exxon Mobil will probably have delivered trillions of dollars in dividends to its owners and will also hold assets worth many more trillions (and, remember, you get 16 Exxons). The 170,000 tons of gold will be unchanged in size and still incapable of producing anything. You can fondle the cube, but it will not respond."

Only, as any Warren Buffett scholar worth his or her salt will tell you, that clearly wasn't the line of his choosing but rather what Fortune, where it appeared, came up with after rejecting his previous drafts, reminding Buffett that theirs is family publication. We've obtained the originals and, in the interest of full disclosure and because its how Warren would have wanted it, will share them now.

* "You can talk dirty to a cube but it will not respond."
* "You can make obscene gestures in a cube's direction but it will not respond."
* "You can buy an apartment in the building a cross from a cube and watch it at night through binoculars but it will not respond."
* "You can send nude pictures of yourself to a cube but it will not respond."
* "You can initiate a nice snuggle with a cube in the hopes that it will lead to sex, but it will not respond."
* "You can run your tongue all around the outer rim of the cube, but it will not respond."
* "You can tweak the edges of a cube but it will not respond."
* "You can drill a hole in a cube and fuck the shit out of it but, like a Real Doll, it will not respond."

Warren Buffett: Why stocks beat gold and bonds [Fortune via Epicurean Dealmaker]

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Guy Whose Entire Persona Is Built Around Loving Cherry Coke Can't Even Pick Cherry Coke Out Of A Lineup

Buffett said in the letter that he was looking for someone who was emotionally stable, could avoid serious risks, think independently and read human behavior. He also tried to reassure shareholders that he was in excellent health: "It's amazing what Cherry Coke and hamburgers will do for a fellow."-- New York Times, March 9, 2007 "The Economic Club of Washington rolled out a special head table — and laid in a special soft drink supply — at the Marriott Wardman Park in the District last Tuesday for the club’s 25th anniversary, where it hosted billionaire investor Warren Buffett...Economic Club Executive Director Mary Brady said she was advised by Buffett’s assistant, Debbie Bosanek, to keep things moving and find a supply of Cherry Coke (Buffett loves it...The Marriott Wardman Park, which is a Pepsi venue, made a special exception."-- Washington Post, June 10, 2012 For six months, as the credit crisis deepened, billionaire investor Warren Buffett turned away a string of Wall Street firms that came hat in hand looking for help. On Tuesday, Mr. Buffett says, he was sitting with his feet on his desk in Omaha, drinking a Cherry Coke and munching on mixed nuts, when he got an unusually candid call from a Goldman Sachs investment banker. Tell us what kind of investment you'd consider making in Goldman, the banker urged him, and the firm would try to hammer out a deal.-- Wall Street Journal, September 25, 2008 David Rolfe, chief investment officer of Wedgewood Partners, which owns Berkshire stock, said the cancer was a non-news event. “I’m more worried about him getting hit by the Cherry Coke truck,” Rolfe said, a reference to Buffett’s professed love of the Coca-Cola product.-- Deal Journal, April 18, 2012 Whenever I lost track of Buffett, [Cherry] Coke often appeared to guide me--a carbonated version of the proverbial trail of crumbs. In London, our party went from airport to hotel in separate cars. When I arrived at the Berkeley Hotel, I did not have to wonder for long whether Buffett had preceded me. A bellhop approached with a shopping bag. ''Is this yours?'' he asked. Inside were two six-packs of Cherry Coke. Two days later, I was in the crowded lobby of the Schlosshotel Kronberg near Frankfurt, following a white-gloved waiter bearing aloft a single bottle of Coca-Cola on a silver tray.-- BusinessWeek, June 5, 1999 The above is but a mere sampling, a drop in the bucket, of articles printed over the years intended to show us how much Berkshire Hathaway CEO Warren Buffett loves Cherry Coke. That it is his exclusive soft drink of choice. That he spurns all others in its favor. That he bathes in it. That he pisses it. That he bleeds not blood, but Cherry Coke. That the mere suggestion of drinking something that is not Cherry Coke makes him sick. That the notion he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between Cherry Coke- his lifeblood- and, say, Diet Dr. Pepper or Pepsi Wild Cherry, would be laughable. And then this happened: The takeaway here is that we've all been pawns an an extremely sick game. Warren Buffett Fails the Cherry Coke Taste Test [BloombergTV]