Expert: If You Want To Date A Wall Streeter, You'd Better Learn To Read A 10-K ASAP
Have you always wanted to date a man who works on Wall Street but found them to be a difficult subset of human to figure out? Today's your lucky day. CNBC, for some reason, is running an "article" penned by a professional matchmaker on that very issue. Having "spent the better part of 12 years learning all the their habits, their likes and dislikes when it comes to dating," Samantha Daniels is eminently qualified to offer the tips you need to summit your Everest. Her how-to-guide includes advice like "keep stories short and sweet because the mind of a Wall Street man is always moving so rapidly and focusing on so many different things that his attention span for social stories is very short," "be sexy," "don't expect him to be romantic," "don’t get upset if your plans get scheduled by his assistant," "don't work on Wall Street" ("Wall Street men tend to be attracted to women who are in industries other than Wall Street") and:
Learn a little something about the financial markets and notice if something huge happens on a given day, negative or positive. Things like the fact that Facebook is going public is not just financial news, it’s world news and you don’t want to seem clueless if you completely missed something like that. You don’t have to become an expert but at least if you know something you can participate in a conversation with your guy. Additionally, you need to be prepared that the volatility of the markets might make your guy’s mood unpredictable, especially on a day that his personal portfolio went down dramatically.
Obviously this one here is key but it's not enough. If you're serious about hunting big game, if you really want to impress him with the extent to which you've got your finger on the pulse, you must also:
* Call up Bloomberg and have them install a terminal in your apartment ASAP (3 screens if you're looking for a casual fling, 15 if you uploaded your pictures to a "What will our baby look like" website after the first date; gotta spend money to make money)
* Print out his portfolio and dial into the companies' earnings calls
* Station a courier at the courthouse so you're the first to know when his firm is indicted
* Order the CFA test prep books and get cracking (if he's studying for the Level 2 CFA, YOU'RE studying for the Level 2 CFA)
* Tap the phone lines of Merkel and Sarkozy; report any activity that might indicate imminent action
* Hire a private detective to follow Bernanke, study his every move (where is he eating? how kempt is his beard? does he cut people off on the freeway in the morning on the way to work? does he look irritable leaving the office at night?), and accurately predict future FOMC decisions
Clearly, these are just jumping off points--that should be followed to a T, unless you're not actually serious about all this in which case, quit wasting our time--if anyone has any other helpful tips to share, please do so now.
