Earlier today, some fairly distressing news came out of Goldman Sachs-- according to three different people "familiar with the matter," the bank "may" hire Richard "Jake" Siewert Jr. for "a role similar to the one held by Lucas van Praag." While we'd love to plug our ears and pretend this isn't happening, the reality is that it was clearly leaked from the inside and is happening indeed. Though it's possible Goldman would allow Lucas to hang around the office a bit longer, our beloved spokesman has got a lot more pride than that. If his unique flavor isn't appreciated, if telling reporters that their stories are “extraordinarily ill-informed," "nonsense," "stupid," indicative of a failure "to comprehend the subject matter," and/or reminiscent of "effluent" is all of a sudden not okay, if they want to take a more collaborative (read: limp-wristed) approach with the press, then let them. Van Praag's got better things to do with his time.
In fact, a short list of opportunities includes:
* Resident withering judge on a variety of elimination-based reality shows, including Dancing With The Stars, America's Next Top Model, and The Voice
* Bear and Birch spokesman
* Offering his services to a firm that really needs and will appreciate them (he could do wonders for BofA's image; questions about Countrywide are "extraordinarily ill-informed" and as for people who are accidentally foreclosed on? "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke")
* Putting the finishing touches on "If I Did It," in which he puts forth a hypothetical description of how *he* was the one to come up with the term "vampire squid"
* Dealbreaker columnist
* Replacing everyone on The View and renaming it My View
* Accepting the offer from the Times to co-byline stories with Gretchen Morgenson