Undergraduate Business Major Has "A Very Simple Ultimatum, Actually" For Fellow Students

Have you ever been in a position where you needed to compel a group of your peers to do something they clearly have no interest in participating in? Where every time you sat down to craft an email, it became a back and forth between "playing it cool" and the desperation that all people reach when charged with the task of rallying people to attend, for instance, an event like the business versus engineering student Olympics? Where the internal monologue (and words that you end up typing on the page) are something like "You better fucking come to this thing...or don't I couldn't care less...no wait I was kidding...COME, YOU FUCKING FUCKS!...I mean, whatever...do what you want...I hate you...I hate you all so much that it's really no sweat off my sack whether you come or not, asshole shits. WHO CARES? ...but I'd just like to note that if you're not there so help me GOD you'll be sorry, not that it matters to me...". Where by the end of any such gig you've basically lost the patina of cool no matter what, so there's no real use in trying? Then you can related to one undergraduate business major who was pushed to that "end my rope" mode earlier today. From: [redacted] Date: March 22, 2012 12:14:11 PM EDT Subject: A quick note about our next bar crawl and the BBA v Engineering Olympics Hello, As you probably don't know because you stick my impact messages go straight to your trash folder, we are currently engaged in a week long competition against the engineers. However, there has been a very poor turnout from the Senior Class up to this point - especially in the athletic events. I don't understand your apathy nor do I care to but I will say this: THERE WILL NOT BE ANOTHER BAR CRAWL IF WE LOSE THE OLYMPICS. Furthermore, If we were to lose this competition because people just didn't show up I would just assume that there is a serious lack of interest in our events and go ahead and shut down Senior Night as well. For those of you who don't know, Senior Night is where we completely rent out a club and allow each senior a +1. It's something like a boozy college prom. It's a very simple ultimatum actually. If you don't help me destroy the engineers, I will not help you get wasted with your fellow BBA's. It makes no difference to me because honestly i don't even remember the last bar crawl. Eat at Pizza House before 4am and raise some money for a great cause and sign up to play some flag football and ultimate frisbee. There is also an after party at the Blue Lep from 6-8pm on Friday and I promise I'll let you drink out of the trophy cup. [redacted]
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Have you ever been in a position where you needed to compel a group of your peers to do something they clearly had no interest in participating in? Where every time you sat down to craft an email, it became a back and forth between "playing it cool" and the desperation so many reach when charged with the task of rallying people to attend, for instance, an event like the business versus engineering student Olympics? Where the internal monologue (and final draft) goes something like, "I'm going to say this one last time: you better fucking come to this thing...or don't I couldn't care less...no wait I was kidding...COME, YOU FUCKING FUCKS!...I mean, whatever...do what you want... it's really no sweat off my sack whether you come or not...but I'd just like to note that if you're not there so help me GOD you'll be sorry, not that it matters to me in any way whatsoever." Where by the end of the gig you realize you've basically lost the patina of cool no matter what, so there's no real use in trying? Then you can relate to one undergraduate business major who was pushed to that sort "end my rope" mode earlier today.

From: [redacted]

Date: March 22, 2012 12:14:11 PM EDT

Subject: A quick note about our next bar crawl and the Business v Engineering Olympics

Hello,

As you probably don't know because you stick my impact messages go straight to your trash folder, we are currently engaged in a week long competition against the engineers. However, there has been a very poor turnout from the Senior Class up to this point - especially in the athletic events.

I don't understand your apathy nor do I care to but I will say this: THERE WILL NOT BE ANOTHER BAR CRAWL IF WE LOSE THE OLYMPICS.

Furthermore, If we were to lose this competition because people just didn't show up I would just assume that there is a serious lack of interest in our events and go ahead and shut down Senior Night as well. For those of you who don't know, Senior Night is where we completely rent out a club and allow each senior a +1. It's something like a boozy college prom.

It's a very simple ultimatum actually. If you don't help me destroy the engineers, I will not help you get wasted with your fellow BBA's. It makes no difference to me because honestly i don't even remember the last bar crawl.

Eat at Pizza House before 4am and raise some money for a great cause and sign up to play some flag football and ultimate frisbee. There is also an after party at the Blue Lep from 6-8pm on Friday and I promise I'll let you drink out of the trophy cup.

[redacted]

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Harvard Business School Alum Has A 4-Point Plan For Fixing The Election Process In The United States

On November 6, 2012, as the results of the presidential election rolled in, a member of the Harvard Business School Class of 2010 considered ending it all. "The thought crossed my mind to jump off my penthouse apartment balcony," he wrote his fellow classmates yesterday. Sure, he had a lot to live for: friends, family, the earthly delights afforded to him by living in Southern California ("surfing, mountains, 78 degree sunshine, and hot babes everywhere"), as well as a new company and all that came with it (relationships with celebrities that straddle the line between "friend and service provider," as well as invites to "the VMAs and private concerts in Vegas"). But he also had a lot of reasons to be good and angry at the world, including but not limited to: the state of California being "filled with so many hippie liberals" he just might snap and in doing so "choke out a street bum," people who "sit around with their hand out and expect to be fed," and, most vexingly, the reelection of Barack Obama. And while he did not in fact end up leaping from his penthouse balcony apartment that night, make no mistake, he was and is exceedingly pissed about the direction this country is going, which is south on the Pacific Coast Highway right straight to hell. And whereas the endless stream of bums and hobos and hippies he encounters each and every day the second he steps out of his penthouse apartment probably would take the easy way out, because that's what they do, he's better than that. So instead, he went to bed, got up, sat down at his computer and channeled his anger into something productive: a list of suggestions for how we can get America back on track and in four years, rest it from the hands of the commie holding it hostage, like forcing candidates to use bullet points and telling people who don't believe in capitalism to pack their shit because in 20 minutes a van is coming to ship their non-contributing zero asses off to a country where it's not actually a "privilege" to live. First, though, some life updates, because it really has been too long.

Investment Bank Group Head: Do You Want To Be A Wolf That Starves In The Winter Or Wolf That Eats His Competitors' Fee Pies For Lunch?

Your call. From: [redacted] Sent: March 28, 2012 9:12 AM Subject: Spring Ahead For those with direct/indirect coverage responsibilities, pls take out your lists today to remind yourselves who we have money out to and that your name is on the ComCom coverage team that got that money approved. Anecdotal observation I conclude is that where we pay attention in some reasonable, non-trivial ways (meeting, meal, call, insightful email), we get paid back in flow DCM capital markets participation It's just how this game works, the money doesn't flat out speak for us, we need to speak for it, and we don't have to stomp/yell, just be around, consistently the more frequency, the more client comfort, the more they feel reminded of their commercial obligations to us, the easier it is for them to remember to take care of us -- lubricate to prevent rust, just like a motor engine or morning exercise We've been printing something almost every week this spring, keep the momentum while it's here, and make it grow so it lasts into trough times If you think this message is meant for someone else, it's probably for you too, it is for us all, so don't look sideways for some sort of peer-level comfort, look to your career, which is your clients Junior bankers pushing cogent observations up are as important as senior bankers pushing that stimulus out to clients -- make your time matter most, you own it the world is still an uncertain place, which means our individual and collective ability to create opportunity and make a personal impact is here and now Various of us have teamed up very well on multiple and diverse endeavors within this 2012 Budget year to close out Tier 1, and then re-populate it, so it matters for our Fiscal 2012 In doing so, we have become a Burden to our competitors and a Benefit to our clients, as it should be Those recently Burdened by our direct sharp edge into their fee pie and who would otherwise prefer that we be unmotivated, disorganized, lazy-minded, subservient and acquiescent include: [list of every large bank] With no due respect to their no longer deserved incumbency, I like being where we are, doing what we're doing, and how we're doing it, working and Winning, without the Charlie Sheen meltdowns along the way Welcome to Top 10 there's more food on those complacent plates, they're distracted by entitlement, not watching the table, it's time for the hungry to eat We Hunt and We Gather, sometimes alone, sometimes together both strategies work, and have since mankind became sentient Wherever your personal preferences and natural tendencies may lead you, rise above that and evolve to a more meaningful Hunter/Gatherer contributor to this increasingly productive tribe -- the bigger payout kills require larger organized squads -- wolves hunt in packs for a reason, and every pack needs it's field leader to be best organized -- it's the time-tested proven best use of a wolf pack's collective energy -- if they waste it, they starve in winter -- we're graduating to wolf pack status, it's got our competitors looking, watching, wondering -- for those who've never operated within a wolf pack, come aboard and enjoy the living/learning-by-doing experience!

Some Lehman Brothers Alums Doing Demonstrably Better Than Others

Joe Gregory has been forced to put his Long Island-chic manse on the market. Dick Fuld's been pounding the pavement for months with nothing to show for it.  Bella is still dead. Not a lot to celebrate and yet some people have managed to do pretty okay for themselves despite having spent time at 745 7th Avenue. Erin Callan, as may have heard, is happily married to firefighter Anthony Montella and living in a $3.9 million house in the Hamptons and Evelyn Stevens, who actually worked at another firm before leaving Wall Street but should know that if you so much as set foot in the lobby of the building, you'll be branded a Lehman Brother or Sister for life, just competed in her first Olympics and no longer counts herself among financial services employees who spend their days fantasizing about a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell. The 5-foot-5 (1.7-meter) Stevens said she’s using savings from banking bonuses to “cushion” the blow of lower earnings. She began her career as an investment-banking analyst at Lehman Brothers Inc., leaving in 2007 before the bank collapsed. “I was able to save a lot of my bonuses,” Stevens said. “I don’t have to survive on a $10,000 or $8,000 purse from cycling. If I hadn’t been in investment banking, I wouldn’t have been able to be at the Olympics.” She was 24th in yesterday’s Olympic women’s road race, finishing among a group including teammate Shelley Olds that was 27 seconds behind gold-medal winner Marianne Voss of the Netherlands. There were 66 riders at the start. While there’s a “big discrepancy” from what she once earned, Stevens said her quality of life has improved. After leaving behind a 90-hour working week in banking, she lives in Girona, Spain during the European racing season and Boulder, Colorado. “In New York there’s pressure, and it’s kind of negative, everyone was stressed,” Stevens, dressed in U.S. team tracksuit and lycra three-quarter length pants at the London Olympic Park, said July 27. “I don’t get so much money now but my quality of living has gone up.” Ex-Lehman Banker Parlays Bonuses Into Cycling Berth At Olympics [Bloomberg]

Barclays' (Now Former) Head Of FX Strategy In Asia Has A Moment

Have you ever had construction going on nearby your home? Was it loud? Annoying? Did keep it keep you up in the middle of the night? Did you seriously consider opening your window and screaming "Hey! Shut the hell up down there!" or even confronting the people making all that racket face to face? Olivier Desbarres can relate. Or at least he can half relate. Because while most of you were probably talked out of making some sort of scene, either by your significant other or your own impulse control, on October 20th Desbarres decided to go in another direction, the one that involved introducing himself to the construction workers building a house near his own by screaming "I'm gonna go after you, I will haunt you, I'm gonna burn your fucking house down, I will find your fucking family," a task he noted would be fairly simple and straightforward ("I can find [them] very easily," he explained, "I'm a man with resources"), in case there were doubts (a fairly reasonable concern, as there are a lot of people in Singapore and how were these guys supposed to know he had an army of Barclays researchers at his disposal?). Still worried that the group wasn't taking his threats seriously on account of the casual look he was sporting that morning-- shorts and sandals-- Desbarres then picked up some sheet metal and launched it in their direction, presumably to demonstrate he meant business.* Although that would have been a good time to make his exit, at that point Desbarres noticed that one of the men had been recording him without his consent, leading to: “You’re filming me? You think that’s good? Put your fucking phone down because I’m going to wait for you to come out and take that phone and shove it up your fucking ass.” According to one local publication, this whole thing started because the construction crew began working at 8:45am one day in October instead of 9am, the time Desbarres preferred. In related news, according to a person familiar with Barclays' policies concerning construction site meltdowns, "We consider such behavior and language unacceptable. It does not meet the high standard of conduct that we expect of our employees." Desbarres, who is no longer with the bank, has not yet returned Dealbreaker's call for comment.** Foul-mouth foreigner threatens workers and warns he will hunt down their families [Stomp] Barlcays Far Too Candid Camera [Sunday Times via Ian Fraser] Barclays Capital Appoints Olivier Desbarres as Head of FX Strategy, Asia-Pacific Ex-Japan [BarCap] Related (re: Barclays employees losing their shit in public): Barclays Global Head of Investment Banking Writes Tear-Stained Letter To Son’s School, Demands Teacher’s Firing For Trash Talking Barclays, Making Son Cry *Insane ranting + shorts + sandals can leave room for interpretation re: is this guy serious or not; insane ranting + shorts + sandals + grabbing whatever shit from a construction site is within arm's reach and throwing at people is generally-- though not always!-- pretty clear. **Possibly because we called in the middle of the night local time and he is on his way to New York to throw a piece of sheetrock at us; you know how he gets when his sleep is interrupted.

Male Business Students Have Sex With Women They Find Attractive, Call It A Business

Have you ever made plans to get drinks with someone, met them for said drinks, determined if there was any chemistry between the two of you, made a decision to have sex with that person based on whether or not you were attracted to him or her, and, if you were and did, went home afterward without money being exchanged? Then congratulations! You are a small business owner, according to a group of German entrepreneurs. As a business model, it's a win-win formula: Two potential partners set out to profit from a mutual transaction. That must be how the three business students from the University of Mannheim in southwestern Germany, who call themselves Oskar, Christopher and Julius, imagined things to be when they decided to offer their services by creating what could best be described as a free brothel. They offer stressed-out, female students uncomplicated and anonymous one-night stands. As future marketing experts, the students know that business ideas with at least a pseudo-philosophical foundation are often the ones that are best received. They call their project Bib:Love -- a reference to the first letters of the German word Bibliothek, meaning library -- and the slogans which they have plastered on posters around the university's campus promise "Good Grades through Good Sex." The young men claim that their project is about emancipation in a broader sense and that their initiative should be recognized as more than a mere coital campaign. Lately, the men say, they've been getting numerous emails from students looking for more information. Oskar and his partners then reply: "Many students are too stressed out during exams to go out at night. This leads their sex lives to languish." But armed with the knowledge that regular physical exercise brings health benefits and helps with studying, the young men behind Bib:Love are more than happy to provide support. Female students who spend their evenings drained and fatigued in the library and are in the mood for a little closeness and intimacy are encouraged to send an email. Then one of the three men will meet with them. If the circumstances are right, the meeting ends in sex. The men claim they have so far received 82 messages at the Bib:Love Hotmail. Some are searching for intimacy, some crack jokes and others are simply curious. Of these messages, nine have resulted in bookings. The meeting point is always the L3 student café on the University of Mannheim campus. "The L3 is the perfect spot because there are always a lot of students here during the week," says Oskar. "Then you can meet and have a beer and check to see if the chemistry is right." The young men reserve the right to withdraw their service should a girl's appearance be unpromising. Your move, Wharton. Students Offer Free Sex to Help Coeds Make the Grade [Spiegel via Marginal Revolution]