$$$ ECB thinks the unthinkable, action likely weeks away [Reuters] $$$ Private equity assets hit record $3tn [FT] $$$ Economy Tests Harvard [WSJ] $$$ Guy seeks attention by pretending he manipulated Libor [Boston Review, related] $$$ Chivalry On Sinking Ships Only A Myth, Researchers Find [Bloomberg] $$$ Macquarie Research is looking for a REIT research associate in New York [DBCC] $$$ A Berlusconi Comeback Is Last Thing Italy Needs [Bloomberg] $$$ Here you will find a Fox Business segment on The Decathlon featuring an NBA vs. Wall Street vertical jump contest [FBN] $$$ Here you will find an argument for replacing the uncomfortable business metaphor "opening the kimono" with "putting a ruler to the dick" [Mathbabe] $$$ "Many scientists don’t like to talk about shark sex," but some do [LRB]

$$$ Citigroup Boys' Club Highlights Industry Gender Gap [AB] $$$ Bernie Madoff reveals that merger arbitrage is often insider trading and other secrets of the 1980s [CNBC] $$$ The National Futures Association is trying to figure out how to catch the next Peregrine Financial fraud by asking Peregrine Financial [WSJ] $$$ JPMorgan Said to Face Order to Tighten Money-Laundering Controls [Bloomberg] $$$ You can email Mark Zuckerberg for $100 [Mashable] $$$ Registration for the 5th annual Decathlon starts Tuesday, January 22! This year's competition takes place on July 28th, and also includes monthly “Throw Downs” where all registered Decathletes compete in 1-2 Decathlon events and collect charity bets on head-to-head match-ups (40 yard dash! Pull-ups! Bench press!). All proceeds benefit the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. $$$ A hedge fund is looking for a junior equities relationship manager in Manhattan [DBCC] $$$ FrontPoint veteran's Copia Capital liquidates all funds, readies rebirth [AR] $$$ Don’t worry about an Elliott vs Argentina precedent [Reuters / Felix Salmon] $$$ Why exchanges should be forced to use open source software [Jayanth Varma] $$$ Chicken Wing Prices Take Flight to Record High [Bloomberg] $$$ Dog teaches puppy how to go down stairs [Gawker]

$$$ Cliff Asness: The Hidden Tax Behind Wall Street Reform [WSJ] $$$ Banks’ Debt Addiction Said to Face Scrutiny at Basel Group [Bloomberg] $$$ Citigroup Joins Roster of Banks Advising Dell Buyout [Deal Journal] $$$ Bloomberg: still really into the $83bn TBTF subsidy [Bloomberg, earlier, etc.] $$$ Ms. White got a warmer welcome from some members of the panel, which is set to vote on her nomination before it moves to the full Senate. "The more I find out about you, the more I like you," said Sen. Tom Coburn (R., Okla.), adding that he had already decided to support her nomination. Sen. Charles Schumer (D., N.Y.), introducing Ms. White at the beginning of the hearing, described the lighter side of a woman known mostly for locking up terrorists and mobsters. He told the packed hearing room that Ms. White served as chairman of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, likes to "crack open a cold can of Bud" and was effective on the basketball court as a member of a New York women's basketball league. [WSJ] $$$ A sinkhole swallowed a golfer on the 14th fairway [DM] $$$ A resource focused boutique investment bank is looking for an associate in New York [DBCC] $$$ An Asset Manager’s Guide to Swap Trading in the New Regulatory World [DPW] $$$ SEC asked Goldman to disclose more about illiquid assets - filings [Reuters] $$$ Funds pick Credit Suisse over UBS on revamp risks [Reuters] $$$ "There is nothing funny about these photos, in which Mitt Romney celebrates his 66th birthday by eating fluffernutter cupcakes and wearing a stupid birthday hat." [DI] $$$ 'Wolf of Wall Street' Gets $1M Pay Day for Movie Rights [FBN]

$$$ Buffett Picks His ‘Bear’ for Annual Meeting [DealBook] $$$ Wall Street’s latest idea: collateral transformation [FT] $$$ Nasdaq executing trades at a loss [FT] $$$ "Las Vegas Sands is disputing reports out late Friday that it likely violated the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act," even though those reports included its own 10-K [CNBC] $$$ Mike Mayo has a lot to say about not being invited to meetings and stuff [CNBC] $$$ Fake bishop sneaks into Vatican meeting with 100 real cardinals [NYDN] $$$ Susquehanna is looking for operations analysts in New York [DBCC] $$$ The Effect of Underreporting on LIBOR Rates [St. Louis Fed] $$$ Big redemptions unlikely if Avenue loses Lasry to Parisian embassy [HFI] $$$ Icahn Foe Rachesky Joins Mentor Attack on Navistar [Bloomberg] $$$ The M&A pickup [FTAV] $$$ 'Batman' brings in suspect to Bradford police [BBC]

$$$ Morgan Stanley wants all of Citi venture [Reuters] $$$ NYSE CEO Duncan Niederauer is not above gloating about BATS [CNBC via BI] $$$ Fannie and Freddie: Slashing Mortgages Is Good Business [ProPublica] $$$ Proposed names for Disney's Seven Dwarfs included Burpy, Hotsy, Shifty, Wistful, Doleful, Woeful, and Biggo-Ego [Lists of Note] $$$ JPMorgan is looking for a credit risk manager to cover banks and broker-dealers [DBCC] $$$ SEC demands Wells Fargo comply with subpoenas [Reuters] $$$ Lehman Ex-Broker Sentenced in Insider Case [WSJ] $$$ Ex-NBA Player Indicted on Ponzi Charges [WSJ] $$$ About forty people got out of their cars along Interstate 270 in Maryland and helped themselves to $5,795 in cash that fell out of an unsecured armored truck. ... Police are offering amnesty to anyone who returns the cash, but only $100 has been handed over so far. Heather Kelly described the scene on 270 to the AP: “It was in the traffic lanes and on the shoulders and just generally kind of like a snow globe of cash." [DI] $$$ Lacrosse players say the sport rewards the kind of determination required to do well on Wall Street. “By and large, lacrosse players aren’t necessarily the best athletes in the country,” says Joe Lizzio, a former Cornell player and co-founder of CapRok Capital. “We don’t have huge vertical leaps or run the 40 [meter dash] in 4.4 seconds.” The best lacrosse players “are smart kids that put in the long hours,” adds Cummings. “The same goes for finance, where you’re going to do well if you can outwork the other guy.” Another common attribute of lacrosse players is the kind of privileged upbringing that might have led them to banking careers even if they had never touched a stick. [BW]

$$$ Doubts Rise Over EU Bank Metrics [WSJ] $$$ Race to save euro will follow ‘Grexit’ [FT / Willem Buiter] $$$ Falcone’s Harbinger Capital Turns To Dell’s MSD For Loan [Bloomberg] $$$ Oracle CEO Larry Ellison buys Hawaii island known for pineapples, Bill Gates' wedding [CNN] $$$ "As my closest family and friends, it is important to me set the record straight on some of book’s major inaccuracies." Kerry Killinger appears to be illiterate. [DealBook] $$$ British school calls police to remove pupil 'obsessed' with studying [NYP via DI] $$$ The Decathlon is now open to teams of 3, competing for the title of "Wall Street's Fittest Firm" - sign up today [The Decathlon] $$$ A New Jersey asset management firm is looking for a COO, if you're interested [DBCC] $$$ Red flag at popular Alerian MLP Index ETN [Investment News] $$$ Constellation Brands executives get paid partly in free booze [Footnoted.com] $$$ Does The CFA Exam Waste A Billion Dollars? [BDC Review] $$$ The Terrifying Sex Organs of Male Turtles [io9]

$$$ Hedge fund chief Einhorn disappoints, Loeb has big 2012 [Reuters] $$$ JPMorgan Faces Sanction for Withholding Madoff Documents [Bloomberg] $$$ Ackman's Herbalife thesis: someone from the government will help poor people and billionaire hedge fund managers ... [Bronte Capital] $$$ Connections are key for the careers of male Wall Street analysts. For females, it’s education and forecast accuracy [AEI] $$$ Tom Wolfe: "Up until 2006 a spirit of manly daring had pervaded Wall Street’s investment bankers" but apparently not any more [Newsweek] $$$ ‘Teens’ Caught Egging Suburban Home Turn Out to Be Off-Duty Police Officers [Gawker] $$$ Mosaic Financial Markets is looking for a capital markets business analyst in New York [DBCC] $$$ You should buy a lot of Turkish stocks because they're guaranteed to go up! [Bloomberg, FTAV] $$$ New rule could turn U.S. hedge funds into informers on fraud [Reuters] $$$ Cerberus Close to Supervalu Deal [WSJ] $$$ How the World Has Changed [Alea] $$$ Historical Echoes: The Origins of the Piggy Bank [NY Fed] $$$ Finally, the Accessory We’ve Been Waiting For: A Wearable Cat Tail That Wags In Response to Your Heartbeat [Fashionista]

$$$ Clogged Credit Weighs on Fed Policy Makers [WSJ] $$$ Ex-Expert Network Consultant Pleads Guilty in Insider Case [WSJ] $$$ TCI is trying to guilt the FSA into forcing Lloyds to redeem TCI's holdings of Lloyds contingent capital bonds at above-market prices [FT] $$$ Homeowner Aid Boosts Big Banks [WSJ] $$$ World's population is 17 million tons overweight [MSNBC] $$$ Do you have plans on July 17? Do you fancy yourself a poker player? A really good poker player? Do you think you could beat David Einhorn, even if he’s working the table like it's Lehman Brothers circa 2007/2008? Do you think it would not be so awkward that the two of you could then enjoy a meal together and talk shop after which he picks up the tab? If David's not your thing, do you think you could envision yourself in the same scenario but with Bill Ackman? If you answered yes to most of the above and also consider yourself a fan of humanity, helping others and all that jazz, you should most definitely clear your schedule next Wednesday and sign up for a World Poker Tournament benefiting the Rewarding Achievement (REACH) program, which was co-founded by Bill Ackman and Whitney Tilson and gives inner-city high school students academic support and scholarships for passing AP exams. The event is taking place at Gotham Hall in New York and Einhorn (your competition) will be playing, as will Ackman and Tilson. Prizes for winners include the aforementioned meal (a lunch), with Bill, David or Seth Klarman, five nights at a “world-class private beach home in Lamu, Kenya,” a private poker lesson with 2011 WSOP bracelet winner and 2011 WPT Player of the Year, Andy Frankenberger and more. Alternatively, if you’re not one for cards but still want to help kids, you can also just register for the cocktail hour. $$$ Would you be interested in a job as a credit team director at a distressed-focused private equity firm in New York? What if I told you it's at Patriarch Partners? [DBCC, also available] $$$ Likelihood of Grexit Still 50-75%: Citi [CNBC] $$$ Alvarez Says Fed Hasn’t Seen Other JPMorgan Risk Problems [Bloomberg] $$$ Millionaire Parents Say Their Kids Are Unfit to Inherit [CNBC] $$$ New Jersey Man Allegedly Calls 911 From His Pillow Fort, Demands To Speak To Tim Tebow [DeadSpin]