$$$ Gawker acquires semi-public audited financials of Bain Capital funds, orgasms all over them [Gawker, related] $$$ Bain Capital's conversion of management fees into carry may have been tax aggressive [Victor Fleischer] $$$ Republicans eye return to gold standard [FT] $$$ New York Fed Sells Last of AIG Bonds, at a Profit [WSJ] $$$ "Hedge Funds, Grimacing, Open the Kimono" [Bloomberg] $$$ BlackRock would like to hire a securities lending accounting associate in San Francisco, if that's your cup of tea [DBCC] $$$ The Downsizing of the American Butler [CNBC] $$$ What's up with Best Buy? [DealBook] $$$ Citi passed its make-up stress test [Reuters] $$$ Seven-Year-Old Wins Iceland Ram Groping Contest [Iceland Review via MR]

$$$ Happy Birthday, Jamie Dimon [DealBook] $$$ There's a pope [DI] $$$ EU May Put Short-Term Bank Creditors in Firing Line for Losses [Bloomberg] $$$ End Looming for Paper Certificates [WSJ] $$$ Is Insider Selling A Concern? (No) [TBP] $$$ I Emailed the CEO of Bank of America to Fix My Credit Score (And He Did) [The Billfold] $$$ A high frequency trading fund is looking for a senior compliance officer in New York [DBCC] $$$ Former Pimco Executive Files, Then Withdraws, Suit Alleging Misconduct [DealBook] $$$ Lehman creditors can question 'London Whale' - judge [Reuters] $$$ New Dell suitors don't make much sense [Fortune] $$$ Goldman Sachs ventures west for annual meeting in Salt Lake City [Reuters] $$$ New York City to Ban Awls [The Awl]

$$$ Foreclosure Settlement Amounts to Peanuts for Most Borrowers [AB] $$$ FBI probes trading as KPMG quits as Herbalife, Skechers auditor [Reuters] $$$ Big Dell Shareholder Prefers Two Rival Bids [DealBook] $$$ Ackman may be eyeing exit as JC Penney bet in tatters [Reuters] $$$ The leverage story banks want to hide [FT] $$$ DirecTV Adds DogTV Channel to Appeal to Canine Audience [Bloomberg] $$$ Regulators Are Concerned About Municipal-Bond Deals [WSJ] $$$ Activist Investors Find Allies in Mutual, Pension Funds [CNBC] $$$ Pimco's Gross Turns Positive on 10-Year Treasurys [WSJ] $$$ Swap traders’ morning fix under scrutiny [FT] $$$ Former Vice Mayor of Tennessee Town Accused of Terrorizing Dozens of Women with ‘Drive-By Masturbation’ [Gawker]

$$$ A 'Corzine Rule' for Funds [WSJ] $$$ BofA Merrill Lynch prunes Canadian workforce [Financial Post] $$$ Fed Is Ready to Act if Europe Falters Again: Bernanke [Reuters] $$$ Chinese prison labor is making your internet gaming whatsits [Guardian] $$$ Surely everyone from Occupy Wall Street to Ron Paul will be convinced by this and we'll never hear about the gold standard again [BI] $$$ One person's Op-Ed is another's opportunity? A major investment bank is currently looking to expand its equity derivatives flow desk with a senior salesperson and a senior flow trader [DBCC] $$$ So long, BarCap [DealBook] $$$ BarCapJust Barclays thinks large European banks would have passed the US stress tests [DealBook] $$$ Santorum: "I don't care" about unemployment rate [Reuters] $$$ "Heand several colleagues were accused of selling unsuitable and overly risky investments. The case, regulatory records show, involved the stocks of Stearns & Lehman, a specialty food products company." That does sound risky. [NYT] $$$ "The only thing that Internet Explorer is good for at all is downloading other browsers." This is true, but watch this Microsoft commercial anyway. [Matt Yglesias / Slate]

$$$ Barclays to shrink controversial tax unit [FT] $$$ Glencore Details Final Offer for Xstrata [WSJ] $$$ Nasdaq unwavering on paybacks for faulty Facebook launch [Reuters] $$$ Tim Geithner ran a pretty good triathlon this weekend [DealBook] $$$ Goldman Goes Unpaid in El Paso Case [Deal Journal] $$$ William Morris Endeavor Entertainment is suing Amanda Drury for its commissions [Hollywood Reporter] $$$ BlackRock is looking for a marketing associate for private clients in New Jersey [DBCC] $$$ California wants the DOJ to stop hedge funds from threatening cities who want to use eminent domain to rewrite mortgages [Reuters] $$$ Everything you could possibly want to know about IOER [FTAV] $$$ Deutsche Bank Chiefs to Unveil Plan [WSJ] $$$ Harvard Football Said to Risk Losing Players in Cheating Probe [Bloomberg] $$$ "A jury on Monday awarded casino mogul Steve Wynn $20 million in his slander case against 'Girls Gone Wild' founder Joe Francis, who claimed the creator of some of Las Vegas' most upscale resorts threatened to kill him over a gambling debt." [NYP]

$$$ Geithner plans financial crisis book [CNN, earlier] $$$ Former Top Media Banker Sues Los Angeles and 2 Police Officers [DealBook, earlier] $$$ LionTree Advisors zooms up the M&A league tables [Bloomberg] $$$ "In his closely watched annual letter, Tilson said his Kase Fund - formerly T2 Partners before he split with Glenn Tongue last year - lost 1.7 percent compared to the Standard & Poor's 500 total return of 16 percent. He attributed the weakness to a highly correlated market that made divergences difficult to find." [CNBC] $$$ Ask Matt Taibbi anything on Reddit tomorrow [RS] $$$ Employment Agency Apologizes For Hooking Teen Up with Brothel Job [Gawker] $$$ PSEG is looking for a quantitative analyst to join its Energy Resource and Trade business in Newark [DBCC] $$$ RBS didn't admit to systematically lowering Libor during the crisis [Bloomberg] $$$ TIPS spreads remain correlated with equities [Money Illusion] $$$ Money Market Funds Intermediation, Bank Instability, and Contagion [FRBNY] $$$ The Risk Ownership Society [Dissent / Steve Randy Waldman] $$$ Christie Calls Doctor Who Raised Weight Concerns a ‘Hack’ [Bloomberg]

$$$ Santander, BBVA Among Spanish Banks Downgraded By Moody’s [Bloomberg] $$$ Spain denies bank run reports [FT] $$$ Big banks need extra $566bn, says Fitch [FT, FTAV] $$$ Icahn Takeover of CVR Gets Support From 55% of Holders [Bloomberg] $$$ JPMorgan's Dimon says will testify before Congress [Reuters] $$$ Occupy Wall Street is staging an intervention with Jamie Dimon [NC] $$$ BlackRock is looking for a performance analyst in Princeton [DBCC] $$$ At CME, an Uproar Over Trading Hours [WSJ] $$$ SEC Probes Role of Hedge Fund in CDOs [WSJ] $$$ Which Biglaw Firm Accidentally Released Embarrassing, Unredacted Documents About Goldman Sachs? [ATL] $$$ Floyd Norris: "For market makers, who may buy unwanted securities that customers want to sell, hedging may be wise and prudent. But it will also be short term, until the bank trades out of whatever position it took on in the course of making the market. But if banks hedge long-term investments, as JPMorgan evidently did, the hedge is also likely to be long term. It will consist of buying something that, in normal times, should move in the opposite direction of their investment. The result is that they will be making convergence trades that are indistinguishable from what Long Term Capital Management did. Given the size of the big banks, they will have to do so in huge volumes that can come back to haunt them if markets move the wrong way." [NYT] $$$ The Boldface Names on the Witness List for Gupta’s Trial includes Lloyd Blankfein, Gary Cohn, Ken Chenault, Raj Rajaratnam, James Barnacle, and Adam Smith [DealBook]

$$$ Goldman Reviewing Conflicts Policies for M&A Bankers [WSJ] $$$ Sprint Terminates Network Deal With Falcone’s LightSquared [Bloomberg] $$$ Deutsche Bank board appointment blocked [FT] $$$ Maybe Peter Henning thinks inside information obtained in AA meetings gets a free pass under securities laws? [DealBook, earlier] $$$ Shining Shoes Best Way Wall Street Women Outearn Men [Bloomberg] $$$ A $2 billion relative value hedge fund is looking for a credit trader in New York [DBCC] $$$ That thing about Apple's Foxconn slave laborers was fake [Marketplace] $$$ Billionaire index arbitrage [Felix Salmon / Reuters] $$$ Andrew Ross Sorkin is the most influential financial journalist; Zero Hedge's Tyler Durden tied for tenth [Talking Biz News] $$$ "Many under-30 tech entrepreneurs see the paper rectangles as an anachronism, so they are turning to digital options. About 85 million people manage their professional networks with LinkedIn. Some 77 million smartphone users have downloaded the Bump app, which allows them to bump their phones together and instantly exchange contact information." Business cards are passé among 20something tech nerds. [Chicago Tribune] $$$ A (human) BusinessWeek writer did a taste test of gourmet dog food [BW] $$$ But what will happen with St. Kitts and Nevis CDS? [FTAV]