$$$ Spain's Ability to Fund Itself to Be Put to Test Thursday [CNBC] $$$ European Rescue Fund May Face Biggest Test Yet [NYT] $$$ Chesapeake CEO took $1.1 billion in shrouded personal loans [Reuters] $$$ Squam Lake Group: SEC Beware, Money Funds Can Bring System Down [Bloomberg] $$$ A Merrill Lynch trainee was busted for faking a Series 7 score [Forbes] $$$ Dartmouth Student Plans to Sell "Hazing Simulation" for $10 [IvyGate] $$$ Illumina Fends Off Roche’s Hostile Bid [DealBook] $$$ BlackRock Aims to Soothe Concerns on New Trading Platform [MarketBeat] $$$ On the other hand, BlackRock to Shift Business if Moody’s Downgrades Banks [DealBook] $$$ Currency Probes Nip Banks' Profits [WSJ] $$$ This is your chance to audition for commenter roles at a leading Internet concern; openings include "Disbarred lawyer. Provides long and just-slightly incorrect and hasty review of all blog posts regarding the law." [The Awl]

$$$ Spain to spend billions on bank rescue [FT] $$$ Facebook Kicks Off Roadshow With Zuckerberg in Hoodie [WSJ] $$$ Shareholder Calls for Chesapeake to Be Open to Offers [DealBook] $$$ How venture capital is broken [Reuters / Felix Salmon] $$$ The "Gentleman Groper" was only a gentleman, not a groper [NYP, earlier] $$$ Stocks Could Sell Off but Not Swoon: Technicians [CNBC] $$$ How would you like to be a senior derivatives trader at Aegon? It's in Baltimore. [DBCC] $$$ Should Benchmark Indices Have Alpha? Revisiting Performance Evaluation [NBER] $$$ An FDA for financial innovation remains a terrible idea [John Cochrane] $$$ Yahoo Board Is Said to Meet Today, Discussing CEO Scott Thompson [Bloomberg] $$$ Dinosaur flatulence, belching may have contributed to warming Earth, killing them off [AP]

$$$ Gawker acquires semi-public audited financials of Bain Capital funds, orgasms all over them [Gawker, related] $$$ Bain Capital's conversion of management fees into carry may have been tax aggressive [Victor Fleischer] $$$ Republicans eye return to gold standard [FT] $$$ New York Fed Sells Last of AIG Bonds, at a Profit [WSJ] $$$ "Hedge Funds, Grimacing, Open the Kimono" [Bloomberg] $$$ BlackRock would like to hire a securities lending accounting associate in San Francisco, if that's your cup of tea [DBCC] $$$ The Downsizing of the American Butler [CNBC] $$$ What's up with Best Buy? [DealBook] $$$ Citi passed its make-up stress test [Reuters] $$$ Seven-Year-Old Wins Iceland Ram Groping Contest [Iceland Review via MR]

$$$ J.P. Morgan Suspends Share Buyback [WSJ] $$$ Bank of America's CEO 'Comfortable' With Investments [CNBC] $$$ Gupta ‘Threw Away His Duties,’ Prosecutor Says In Opening [Bloomberg] $$$ France, Germany Fail to Resolve Differences Over Euro Bonds [WSJ] $$$ U.S. lets China bypass Wall Street for Treasury orders [Reuters] $$$ MF Global's Corzine Got More Than $8 Million in Year Before Collapse [WSJ] $$$ S&P is looking for an associate to rate media and entertainment companies in Chicago - interested? [DBCC] $$$ "On average, for every additional 1% a company returned to shareholders between 2009 and 2011, the CEO was paid 0.6% more last year, the analysis found. For every 1% decline in shareholder return, the CEO was paid 0.6% less. ... In 2010, there was no correlation; for every 1% decrease in shareholder return, the average CEO was paid 0.02% more." [WSJ]$$$ Enron Ex-CEO Seeks Retrial On ‘New Evidence,’ Lawyer Says [Bloomberg] $$$ SEC move set to boost covered bonds in US [FT] $$$ With New Firepower, S.E.C. Tracks Bigger Game [DealBook] $$$ The New York Times printed a giant Gretchen Morgenson story about insider trading except there was no insider trading [Reuters / Felix Salmon, also Reformed Broker] $$$ Taxi Panel May Raise Fares Up to 20% [NYT] $$$ Gal claims she was 'too hot' to work in lingerie shop, forced to wear robe before getting boot: suit [NYP]

$$$ Osborne lobbies Geithner on StanChart [FT] $$$ Carlyle to Acquire Asset Manager TCW From SocGen [WSJ] $$$ Goldman Cleared in Mortgage Investigation [DealBook] $$$ Manchester United prices IPO below range, valuing club at $2.3 billion [Reuters] $$$ DC Man Orders TV From Amazon, Gets Assault Rifle Instead [USAT] $$$ A New York boutique firm is looking for a special situation analyst to analyze its special situations [DBCC] $$$ Yahoo May Reverse Alibaba Cash Plans [WSJ] $$$ Chesapeake Energy in U.S. antitrust probe [Reuters] $$$ U.S. Text Messaging Champion Is $50,000 Richer [BW] $$$ Naked Man Covered in Crisco Told Police He was ‘Looking for a Place to Party’ [Gawker]

$$$ Tables turn on Spain with pressure to seek bailout [Reuters] $$$ Maybe David Viniar will be Goldman's chairman when Lloyd retires and Gary is CEO? [WSJ] $$$ "The study found that for a sample of modifications to securitized subprime mortgages, a 10 percent reduction in the monthly payment was associated with a 4.5 percentage point reduction in the twelve-month redefault rate." [New York Fed] $$$ "If Apple continues on its current trajectory, something remarkable might happen on April 9, 2015, at around 11 a.m. That is, statisticians and investors I've spoken with say, a conservative estimate of when Apple could become the first company ever to be valued at $1 trillion." [NYT!] $$$ Welcome to the world Quartz! [Qz] $$$ "To call the Berenstains anthropomorphized bears insults both humans and bears." [NetNet / John Carney] $$$ Credit Suisse is looking for a research analyst for commodity strategies in asset management in New York [DBCC] $$$ U.S. Corporate Bond Tally Could Top $100 Billion in September [WSJ] $$$ Meredith Whitney is still pretty sure banks will fire a lot of people [CNBC] $$$ William Cohan confuses himself horribly about Whaledemort [Bloomberg] $$$ Mario Batali is paying $1.15mm to Del Posto employees to settle a lawsuit over wages, tips, overtime and discrimination [Diner's Journal] $$$ Hillary Clinton Aide Tells Reporter To “Fuck Off” And “Have A Good Life” [BF] $$$ Mitt Romney Doesn’t Get Why Airplane Windows Don’t Open [DI]

$$$ Facebook Falls To Record As Lockup End Frees Shares [Bloomberg] $$$ Best Buy Founder Presses Case for Takeover Talks [DealBook] $$$ Hall Of Fame Football Coach Donnan Accused In Ponzi Scheme [Bloomberg] $$$ Dealpolitik: Muddied Waters Complicate Focus Media Buyout [Deal Journal] $$$ “Struck By Blow Dart”: A Brief Index Of Recent Terrible Events Involving Joggers [Deadspin] $$$ Macquarie Capital is looking for a restructuring and M&A vice president in New York, if you're available [DBCC] $$$ BlackRock Tiptoes Into Spain's Sovereign Debt [WSJ] $$$ Bain Capital was good at investing when Mitt Romney ran it [PEHub] $$$ Romney Says He Paid at Least 13% Taxes for 10 Years [CNBC] $$$ New Ray Gun Used to Fight High Sea Pirates [CNBC]

$$$ Dow Average Snaps Rally as Consumer Confidence Declines [Bloomberg] $$$ Two Ackman investors want more details on JC Penney [Reuters] $$$ Why We Should Rip the Banks in Two [Bloomberg View / Matthew C. Klein] $$$ "There’s something almost silly in the fact that Buffett, one of the world’s richest men, earns a salary of $100,000 at Berkshire—and then cuts a check for $50,000 to reimburse Berkshire for 'minor items such as postage or phone calls that are personal.'" [Deal Journal] $$$ Happy Ides of March! Where Caesar Was Killed, Cute Kittens Now Roam [IBTimes] $$$ A top tier hedge fund is looking for a valuations and risk analyst in New York [DBCC] $$$ Goldman named Steven Barg the head of something called "mergers and acquisitions capital markets," where he will "work with clients 'on the equity market implications of strategic activities.'" [DealBook] $$$ AT&T Signals It May Sell Assets to Fund Dividends, Buybacks [WSJ] $$$ BuzzFeed to Launch Business Section [WSJ] $$$ Five Reasons Mila Kunis Shouldn’t Be Buying Stocks Now [MarketBeat]