In terms of speaking gigs, do you want to hear from the guy who cost UBS a couple billion or the fugitive who brought it to its knees?

Are you an investment banker? UBS wants to hear from you, A-SAP!

The Fed last night unleashed eight zillion pages of Basel III implementation on the universe and I'm tempted to be like "open thread, tell us about your hopes and fears for capital regulation." So do that! Or don't because it is super boring, that is also a valid approach. Still I guess we should discuss. Starting slow though. Banks have to have capital, meaning that they have to fund some of their assets with things that are long-lived and loss-absorbing, like common equity, rather than with things that have to be paid back soon and at face value. The reason for this is that the rest of banks' assets are funded with things that we really do want to be paid back soon and at face value, like deposits, and if the value of those assets declines you don't want those deposits to be wiped out. The rules say that you need capital equal to a percentage of your assets. The game is deciding (1) what that percentage is, (2) what is capital (proceeds from selling common stock, and actual earnings, yes, but, like, deferred tax assets?), and (3) how you count assets (you might want more capital to shield you from losses in, say, social media stocks than you would to shield you from losses in Treasury bonds, so regulators use "risk-weighted assets," so that $1 of corporate bonds counts as $1 of assets, $1 of Treasuries counts as $0 of assets, and $1 of Facebook stock counts as $3 of assets*). Anyway, here are the required capital levels:

Fewer bodies, more often. "UBS now performs rolling layoffs instead of going in rounds. Each mini-round is therefore less newsworthy. Normally this kind of thing destroys morale but there's no morale left to destroy at this point. How frequent are they? Equities had 4 rounds in 3 weeks in April(ish). Previously you would see every group get hit at once, no more than a couple times a year."

The bad news is that Goldman Sachs, Deutsche Bank, UBS, and others have been making cuts and are expected to continue to do so. The good news is that not everybody is upset about it. Speaking to bankers and other industry sources, Reuters was able to confirm at least 50 people were let go in the past three weeks, a cull that includes senior expatriates as well as junior bankers. The cuts mainly target the equities business, with more layoffs expected in coming weeks. CLSA , Deutsche Bank, Goldman Sachs, and UBS were among the banks and brokerages that cut jobs, the sources said...The Asia cuts also come at an unexpected time, when expatriate finance professionals are preparing to hunker down for the summer while their families head home for the holiday. "I'm disappointed, but in some ways I'm glad I was cut early in this round, because everyone is looking over their shoulder," said Cassandra Lister, who was recently let go as a managing director at Societe Generale in Hong Kong. "They're looking around and wondering 'Am I next?' It's a horrible work environment." Asia's Investment Banks Launch Round Of Job Cuts [Reuters]

And the percentage of you who just need to be alone right now.