$$$ Schaeuble Declares Markets Wrong As Europe Heads To Vacation [Bloomberg] $$$ Don't Force Banks Into 'Draconian' Breakups: Whitney [CNBC] $$$ Morgan Stanley Stock May Be Worth $32 In Breakup, Mayo Says [Bloomberg] $$$ The Merkley plan to refinance underwater mortgages sounds pretty good [Reuters / Felix Salmon] $$$ Outspoken Analyst Kinnucan Pleads Guilty in Insider Case [WSJ] $$$ Man who rescued a 17-pound lobster "felt the nearly 100-year-old crustacean did not deserve to die with its parts soaked in butter. 'If he was 100, he saw World War I, World War II, man on the moon,' he said. 'Being in New England, he even saw the Red Sox win the World Series. So, he didn’t deserve the boiling water.'" [CBS] $$$ Due to recent regulatory requirements, a top bank in Charlotte is looking for a counterparty credit risk manager to be a Basel expert [DBCC] $$$ Libor scandal makes it more costly for bankers to get insured [Reuters] $$$ Europe Aims to Make Rate Manipulation a Criminal Offense [DealBook] $$$ Fund managers to lose securities lending profits [FT] $$$ The Securities and Exchange Commission drew sharp criticism from a federal judge who said they have failed to properly oversee a $55 million investor education fund created by a nearly decade-old settlement with Wall Street banks. The fund had been created as part of a roughly $1.5 billion regulatory accord in 2003 with Citigroup Inc, Goldman Sachs Group Inc, JPMorgan Chase & Co and other banks accused of publishing biased analyst research. U.S. District Judge William Pauley in Manhattan said the SEC has shown a "lack of oversight" and "indifference" toward how a nonprofit organization charged with distributing the money has been managed. ... Pauley pointed as an example to a two-year, $91,500 grant to the Genesee District Library in Flint, Michigan, that appeared to have resulted in just two events, one of which concerned "spending, sharing, and saving" for children ages two to five. "While there may be benefits to starting investor education early, toddlers seem beyond the pale," the judge wrote in an order issued Wednesday. [Reuters] $$$ Mitt Romney would restore 'Anglo-Saxon' relations between Britain and America [Telegraph]

$$$ Paul Singer wants Mitt Romney to regulate banks more [FT] $$$ JPMorgan, UBS Said Among Banks Queried In Libor Probe [Bloomberg] $$$ Apollo Said To Seek Up To $12 Billion For Flagship Fund [Bloomberg] $$$ Consider taking trading advice from a 23-year-old who day-trades equities in Dallas for his own account and talks about it with Business Insider [BI] $$$ Police Seize Pimping Rules During Raid [TSG] $$$ Shitterton named most unfortunate place name in UK [Scotsman] $$$ Legg Mason is looking for a US product strategist in Baltimore [DBCC] $$$ Standard Chartered eyes joint deal after backing down in U.S. [Reuters] $$$ Jana Disappointed With Agrium Talks [WSJ] $$$ The Harvard Business Review is pro-reading [HBR] $$$ Locals faced with medieval tax to pay for castle renovations [DutchNews] $$$ Lifeboats kill more people than they save [Brendan Koerner]

$$$ Something something something "[Bernanke] must once again address whether there is more the Fed can do to get the economy going and whether it is worth taking chances on controversial new programs" [WSJ] $$$ Brussels pushes for wide ECB powers [FT] $$$ Google, Apple CEOs in secret patent talks [Reuters] $$$ Goldman is struggling to sell an ABS deal backed by Bob Dylan royalties, inspiring many FT jokes [FT] $$$ Chipotle caught STEALING pennies from hapless customers nationwide in deceptive receipt rounding scandal [Daily Mail] $$$ Kelly & Dylan finally get together [NYP] $$$ A bulge bracket bank in New York is looking for a senior internal audit manager [DBCC] $$$ Guy voting Republican [CNBC] $$$ Sharp Elbows Among Street Lawmen [WSJ] $$$ Citi is looking for a little more space [WSJ] $$$ "A 97-year-old message in a bottle found by Scottish fishermen in their catch has set the world record for spending the longest time at sea." [Bloomberg] $$$ Over 100 students in Harvard's "Intro to Congress" class are being investigated for cheating [Crimson]

$$$ Google Shares Fall on Premature Earnings [WSJ] $$$ Google and the send button ... [footnoted] $$$ "To be fair, we released our earnings yesterday afternoon on Google Plus." [@PendingLarry via Deal Journal] $$$ Smallest Stock Traders Hardest Hit as Commissions Decline [Bloomberg] $$$ Blackstone Swings to Profit of $622 Million in 3rd Quarter [DealBook] $$$ "Americans who say they work 75 hours a week tend to be exaggerating by 25 hours." [Qz] $$$ BlackRock is looking for a Sales Training Program Manager for their iShares division in San Francisco [DBCC] $$$ Sprint Nextel assumes majority stake in Clearwire [Reuters] $$$ In Insider Trading Case, Drawing In David Ganek [DealBook] $$$ Ex-GE Bankers Jailed in Rigged Muni Bond Case [CNBC] $$$ William Cohan on Greg Smith: "He conned Grand Central Publishing, which paid him a reported $1.5 million for his 'tell-all' book about how the culture at Goldman Sachs had deteriorated during his 12-year tenure into something he no longer recognized, when really Goldman has always been a stinging scorpion. (Disclosure: my wife is the editor-in-chief of Grand Central Publishing, although she had nothing to do with editing Smith's book, and neither of us has read it.)" [Bloomberg] $$$ Republicans Pulling Money Out of Soup Kitchen Where Paul Ryan Pretended to Wash Dishes [DI]

$$$ JPMorgan Misled Investors, Dodged Regulators, Senate Report Says [Bloomberg] $$$ Regulators Question Goldman and JPMorgan’s Capital Plans [DealBook] $$$ E*Trade Loses Largest Shareholder as Citadel Sells Out [Deal Journal] $$$ Credit Suisse to pay $400 million to end U.S. bond lawsuits [Reuters] $$$ The Return of the Popped Collar [WSJ] $$$ Genworth financial is looking for a Director, Corporate Trading in Stamford [DBCC] $$$ Reuters editor indicted for helping Anonymous hack websites [AP] $$$ Bankruptcy Lawyer Is Named to Manage an Ailing Detroit [NYT] $$$ Almost there, S&P! [WSJ] $$$ Goldman Sachs is (probably) reminding people of how everyone forgot about Greg Smith [DI]

$$$ "UBS AG, Switzerland’s biggest bank, fired its head of credit-default swaps index trading, David Gallers, last week, with no plan to fill the position, according to two people familiar with the matter. Instead, the bank replaced Gallers with computer algorithms that trade using mathematical models." [Bloomberg] $$$ Morgan Stanley should not boost bond trading: analyst [Reuters] $$$ Sheila Bair has a crazy plan for Congressional pay-for-performance [Fortune] $$$ Goldman Research Implies Big Obama Electoral Win [Deal Journal] $$$ “One of the most striking differences between U.S. presidents is how they choose to stock the White House bar.” [TMN via The Hairpin] $$$ A premium bank is looking for an analyst or associate candidate for the Corporate Strategies group within the investment banking division in New York[DBCC] $$$ Recycled legal claims make banks look like victims [Breakingviews] $$$ Citigroup Discloses Libor Inquiry in Singapore [WSJ] $$$ “Some genius paired 50 Cent's In Da Club with a video put out by the Jehovah's Witnesses to encourage deaf people not to masturbate” [Kottke] $$$ Defendant In Murder Trial Who Wanted To Get Back To His Cell In Time For Monday Night Football: “I Did it, So What?” [Deadspin]

$$$ Spain finalises bank recapitalisation plan [FT] $$$ Bank of America's Moynihan tops list of worst performing CEOs [Fortune] $$$ "Nearly 46 percent of the revenue received by Merrill Lynch's Global Wealth Management unit last year came from just 21 percent of its top-producing brokers, about 2,500 people, according to copies of the reports reviewed by Reuters," which seems sort of low no? [Reuters] $$$ Goldman's trading "huddles" won't disqualify it from doing private placements [SEC.gov, earlier] $$$ Lawsuit Claims Texas Constable Forced Deputy to ‘Motorboat’ Her Breasts [ATL] $$$ A bank in New York is looking for a Basel II modeler - could it be you? [DBCC] $$$ Hedge Fund Inflows Slowing, a Report Indicates [DealBook] $$$ Peter Orszag seems to think strange things about the marginal utility of money [Bloomberg, earlier] $$$ Carlyle Falls Below Offer Price as Rubenstein Plan Fails. FYI the plan was "have stock go up." [Bloomberg] $$$ Space-Taxi Race Gets a New Player [WSJ] $$$ Accused madam yelled at by judge after attempting to switch defense team again [NYP]

$$$ Euro zone discussed capital controls if Greek exits euro [Reuters] $$$ Spain's Bailout Boost Quickly Turns to Rout [WSJ] $$$ Fed Says U.S. Wealth Fell 38.8% In 2007-2010 On Housing [Bloomberg] $$$ Bankers Complain of Tension With Fed Over Pay Restrictions [Real Time Economics] $$$ David Cameron left his 8-year-old daughter alone in a pub [AP] $$$ The world's oldest animal marriage looks set to have turtley ended after an incredible 115 years when the two Giant Turtles at an Austrian zoo refused to share their cage anymore. Zoo management have called in animal experts to try and give the pair counselling - feeding them romantic good mood food and trying to get them to join in joint games - but so far without effect. Zoo boss Helga Happ said: "We get the feeling they can't stand the sight of each other anymore." Bibi and Poldi have been a pair since before anyone alive today can remember - they have been together at the Austrian zoo in Klagenfurt for 36 years and before that they lived at Basel zoo in Switzerland. Zoo boss Helga added: "They are both 115 years old - they have been together since they were young and grew up together, eventually becoming a pair. But for no reason that anyone can discover they seem to have fallen out, they just can't stand each other." [Austrian Times] $$$ Intrepid Investment Bankers LLC is looking for an M&A vice president in LA [DBCC] $$$ U.S. high court to hear Amgen securities lawsuit case [Reuters] $$$ A stupid CNBC chart [Felix Salmon] $$$ A stupid Bloomberg headline [Strange Bloomberg Headlines] $$$ A yacht named the Blind Date exploded and sank in the Atlantic Ocean off Sandy Hook, New Jersey [nj.com] $$$ Jerry Sandusky's lawyer tells a jury: "You saw those 8 photos, cute kids" [Penn Live via Deadspin]