$$$ U.S. investigates whether JPMorgan traders hid losses [Reuters] $$$ Was JPMorgan's restatement actually an elaborate plot to get Ina Drew's comp clawed back? No? [Felix Salmon] $$$ Fed May Need To Begin New Asset Purchases, Lockhart Says [Bloomberg] $$$ Ex-Mets star Dykstra pleads guilty in bankruptcy fraud case [NYP] $$$ "You have to sit there in silence, and you just get up every day and beat your head against the wall," but for that (and ratting out Countrywide) they'll pay you $14.5 million [Reuters] $$$ Q&A: The Gourmand Behind New York's $666 'Douche Burger' [BW] $$$ Deutsche Bank is looking for a VP-level Group Finance COO business manager [DBCC] $$$ Spanish Bank Borrowing from ECB Surges [WSJ] $$$ Italy sells debt despite downgrade [FT] $$$ Visa, MasterCard in $6 Billion Settlement Over Surcharges [WSJ] $$$ Wealthy Homeowners Brace for 'Mansion Cliff' [CNBC!] $$$ Attention Cable and Satellite Subscribers: This Network Is Being Dropped Because Your Provider Is Being a Giant Douche [McSweeney's]

$$$ Italy Vote Shows No Clear Winner, as Berlusconi Rises [WSJ] $$$ Goldman to begin fresh round of job cuts [Reuters] $$$ Remember That $83 Billion Bank Subsidy? We Weren't Kidding [Bloomberg, earlier] $$$ "There appears to be a growing trendin dying industries: The bosses want to hold their bedside vigils in private." [Deal Journal] $$$ Banks to sell complex CDS books [IFR] $$$ "As an excellent student with advanced people skills and an exciting resume, with a desire to be part of a challenging, energetic, and reputable organization, I will be a valuable addition to The Catholic Church as your new Pope." [McSweeney's] $$$ A top-tier investment management firm is looking for a VP, behavioral finance specialist in New York [DBCC] $$$ Wells Fargo Role in Heinz Deal Is Credit Negative, Moody’s Says [Bloomberg] $$$ Leveraged loan market on fire [Sober Look] $$$ Banks Face Key Hurdle in Libor Fight [WSJ] $$$ RBS plans IPO for U.S. arm Citizens in next two years [Reuters] $$$ John Kerry Brings Democracy to Kyrzakhstan [DI]

$$$ Knight Weighs Offers [WSJ] $$$ US banks call for easing of Basel III [FT] $$$ US banks increase retention of mortgages [FT] $$$ Instagram's CEO maybe lied to the California Corporations Department about whether Twitter offered to buy Instagram [NYT, cf. Felix Salmon] $$$ Peter Madoff Says He Was a Victim of Brother’s Ponzi Scheme [Bloomberg] $$$ Silvio Berlusconi may or may not be engaged to a 27-year-old [Gawker] $$$ A leading buyside institution is looking for a senior investor relations specialist in New York [DBCC] $$$ Argentina got its boat back [Credit Slips] $$$ Aladdin Capital to pay $1.6 mln to resolve SEC charges [Reuters] $$$ U.S. agency sues JPMorgan over mortgage securities [Reuters] $$$ Calstrs Reviewing Cerberus Investment in Light of Newtown Shooting [Deal Journal] $$$ Elie Ayache, Author of the Black Swan [Wilmott]

$$$ Stocks Near New Heights as Small Investors Regain Faith [NYT] $$$ J.P. Morgan Risk Officer Taking Leave of Absence [WSJ] $$$ Soros Says Hedge Funds Can’t Beat Market Because of Fees [Bloomberg] $$$ UBS Chairman proposes industry-wide settlement over Libor [Reuters] $$$ "One explanation for the confusion is that many things that are considered normal in finance look like fraud to almost everyone else." [Free Exchange] $$$ Outcry Over Bid to Make Water Cheaper Than Beer [WSJ] $$$ An investment management firm is looking for a senior investment associate to research credit hedge funds in D.C. [DBCC] $$$ Europe's Banks Rush to Repay ECB Funds [WSJ] $$$ U.S. Court Ruling Threatens Consumer Bureau Decisions [Bloomberg] $$$ Italy's Monte Paschi faces shareholder fury as scandal widens [Reuters] $$$ You may be surprised to learn that "the president and chairman of Mortgage Xpress, Inc. (subsequently renamed The Alternative Energy Technology Center, Inc.)" was sued by the SEC [SEC] $$$ Cory Booker Continues His Steady March Toward Canonization by Personally Saving a Stranded Dog from Freezing to Death [Gawker]

$$$ Holder: Big banks' size complicates prosecution efforts [The Hill] $$$ Stress Tests Seen Boosting U.S. Bank Shareholder Payouts [Bloomberg] $$$ February the strongest month ever for US buybacks [FTAV] $$$ E*Trade Exec Behind Talking Baby Leaves [Deal Journal] $$$ Anti-CNBC ad runs on CNBC [TBN] $$$ "Also, releasing a new version of a customer favorite like 'snackable chicken,' works well, says James O'Reilly, chief marketing officer for Sonic Corp. 'Consumers love to eat chicken in portable forms,' so Sonic introduced a spicy version of its Jumbo Popcorn Chicken for a limited time last month, he says." [WSJ] $$$ Eaton Vance is looking for a junior U.S. taxable fixed income analyst in Boston [DBCC] $$$ Tiger accelerator fund pounces back after early losses [AR] $$$ Football Investors Get 62% in Run Around Players on Transfer Bet [Bloomberg] $$$ Monte Paschi seeks 1.2 billion euros damages over derivatives [Reuters] $$$ Wallace Shawn ‘Fascinated and Shocked’ by Iran’s R.O.U.S Problem [DI] $$$ Tensions brewed, for instance, when she organized a golf-themed 21st-birthday party for a student at University of Virginia—under orders from his mother in Epsom, England. The mother, Lindsay Smart, says her son Henry was initially wary of the party plan, but "as it got nearer, I think he warmed to the idea." He directed her not to do anything "over the top," but otherwise gave little guidance on the event, which was for about 25 people. "We were trying not to treat him like he was 5 years old," Ms. Battani says. [WSJ]

$$$ EU could rewrite eurozone budgets [FT] $$$ Moody's Cuts Ratings on 28 Spanish Banks [WSJ] $$$ Do-it-yourself currency devaluation [NetNet / John Carney] $$$ Greek Finance Minister Quits Days Into The Job [Bloomberg] $$$ RBS computer failure condemns man to spend weekend in jail [Telegraph] $$$ Feeding your pet rabbit carrots could be bad for him [NYP] $$$ A leading tech focused M&A boutique investment bank would like to hire a senior associate or VP - could it be you? [DBCC] $$$ Mapping and Sizing the U.S. Repo Market [Liberty Street Economics] $$$ Downgrade of Funds to Have Broad Effects [WSJ] $$$ Banks fight Fed's push to make them less entwined [Reuters] $$$ "Breastaurants" Experiencing a Mini-Boom [AP] $$$ A Jew-Hating Elmo In Central Park [Gawker]

$$$ AIG Said to Boost U.S. TARP Recovery to 80% With Payment [Bloomberg] $$$ Trio of Deals Show IPO Strength [WSJ] $$$ Scrap Over Easing IPO Rules [WSJ] $$$ "The biggest recent change on Wall Street has been semantic, not substantive. The word 'client' has become Orwellian doublespeak. Goldman’s leaders talk uniformly about the importance of serving clients, but the firm’s salespeople know who is a client and who is a mere a counterparty." Frank Partnoy says sensible things about Muppetgate [FT] $$$ Fruit flies who strike out with the lady fruit flies drink to forget their troubles [NYT] $$$ Banks hike fees, cut costs to boost profits [Reuters] $$$ Glencore poised for joint bid for Viterra [FT] $$$ The New York Times paid executives multimillion dollar bonuses for achieving returns that were a fraction of its cost of capital, so that's kind of awkward [BreakingViews, via William Wright] $$$ Would you like some hyperbolic metaphors with your intimations of criminality? Enjoy! [Rolling Stone] $$$ "The Real Question re Goldman: Why doesn't Goldman have its employees sign non-disclosure agreements?" I know, right? [Credit Slips]

$$$ U.S. Banks Had Second-Best Earnings Ever in 2012, FDIC Says [Bloomberg] $$$ Dimon Says Lenders to Have More Capital Than They Can Use [Bloomberg] $$$ Banks Fear Court Ruling in Argentina Bond Debt [DealBook] $$$ “'We are seeing some elements of precrisis behavior,' Mr. Marks said on Tuesday at the SuperReturn International 2013 conference. 'We are seeing people engaging in bullish behavior.'” [DealBook] $$$ AB InBev Overstates Alcohol in Budweiser, Lawsuit Claims [Bloomberg] $$$ Nassim Taleb book party tonight! [Book Culture] $$$ Best Buy takeover attempt by founder in jeopardy [Reuters] $$$ At Barnes & Noble, Interests of Top Executives Diverge [WSJ] $$$ It’s time to abolish the FHFA [Reuters / Felix Salmon] $$$ New Stream Capital Executives Accused of Fraud [WSJ] $$$ Former CFO Sues T. Boone Pickens' Son [CNS]