Good News: You Probably Won't Have To Swim To Work Tomorrow (Or Pretend To Work From Home)*

...or possibly even Wednesday, according to Reuters, which reports "The U.S. stock market is expected to be closed on Tuesday" and while "every effort is being made to reopen markets" the following day, a final decision will be made once there is a better idea of the havoc Sandra will wreak, both downtown and in areas market participants are located. In related news, think of the dogs of Goldman Sachs. They were crestfallen, whimpering in disbelief. The city’s dogs walked right up to an east side entrance of Central Park, saw the fence and could not fathom why they – and their owners – were not allowed in. For a little wind? Light rain? They had seen worse. “I may have to carry him away,” said John Blondel, nodding to Rollo, a spry-looking white Labrador who was 10 and a half years old. Rollo decided to engage in a sit-down strike in front of the 79th Street entrance on Fifth Avenue. Mr. Blondel, 56, who is in the investment management division for Goldman Sachs, had driven from his apartment in the West Village to give Rollo his daily constitution. Later, he would work from home. “This is going to be it for a while,” he said to his friend. Soon, Rollo was joined by several other dogs dragging their walkers to yet another blocked entrance. “They’re just amazed,” Mr. Blondel said. When a gust of wind blew an opening in the temporary fencing, Rollo was wise to the opportunity. Mr. Blondel had to pull him back and head to the car. US Stock Markets Seen Closed Tuesday [Reuters] Hurricane Sandy, Live Updates [NYT] *Unless your job doesn't involve trading, in which case we expect you to be up at 6 and carrying on with business as usual from you kitchen table.
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..according to Reuters, which reports "The U.S. stock market is expected to be closed on Tuesday" and while "every effort is being made to reopen markets" Wednesday, a final decision will be made once there is a better idea of the havoc Sandra will wreak, both downtown and, more importantly, in areas market participants are located. In related news, think of the dogs of Goldman Sachs.

They were crestfallen, whimpering in disbelief. The city’s dogs walked right up to an east side entrance of Central Park, saw the fence and could not fathom why they – and their owners – were not allowed in. For a little wind? Light rain? They had seen worse. “I may have to carry him away,” said John Blondel, nodding to Rollo, a spry-looking white Labrador who was 10 and a half years old. Rollo decided to engage in a sit-down strike in front of the 79th Street entrance on Fifth Avenue.

Mr. Blondel, 56, who is in the investment management division for Goldman Sachs, had driven from his apartment in the West Village to give Rollo his daily constitution. Later, he would work from home. “This is going to be it for a while,” he said to his friend. Soon, Rollo was joined by several other dogs dragging their walkers to yet another blocked entrance. “They’re just amazed,” Mr. Blondel said. When a gust of wind blew an opening in the temporary fencing, Rollo was wise to the opportunity. Mr. Blondel had to pull him back and head to the car.

US Stock Markets Seen Closed Tuesday [Reuters]
Hurricane Sandy, Live Updates [NYT]
*Unless your job doesn't involve trading, in which case we expect you to be up at 6 and carrying on with business as usual from the kitchen table.

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Russell Wasendorf Didn't Mean "I have embezzled millions of dollars from Customer accounts at Peregrine Financial" In A Literal Sense

Remember Russell Wasendorf? CEO of collapsed brokerage firm Peregrine Financial Group? Dirty blonde hair, about yea high? Opened his (attempted) suicide note with the words "I have committed fraud" and then went on to detail said fraud, writing: "Through a scheme of using false bank statements I have been able to embezzle millions of dollars from customer accounts at Peregrine Financial Group, Inc. The forgeries started nearly twenty years ago and have gone undetected until now. I was able to conceal my crime of forgery by being the sole individual with access to the US Bank accounts held by PFG. No one else in the company ever saw an actual US Bank statement.The Bank statements were always delivered directly to me when they arrived in the mail. I made counterfeit statements within a few hours of receiving the actual statements and gave the forgeries to the accounting department.” Using a combination of Photo Shop, Excel, scanners, and both laser and ink jet printers I was able to make very convincing forgeries of nearing every document that came from the Bank. I could create forgeries very quickly so no one suspected that my forgeries were not the real thing that had just arrived in the mail." ...apparently he was just kidding about all that and/or intended it to be read in more of an If I Did It style. The chief executive of Peregrine Financial Group Inc. on Friday pleaded not guilty to all 31 charges he faced of misleading federal market authorities as part of a long-running alleged fraud. Russell Wasendorf Sr., the head of the collapsed U.S. futures and currency brokerage, was formally charged this past week with 31 counts of misleading regulators, offenses that carry a maximum sentence of 155 years. It is one of the heaviest penalties sought in the wake of the last financial crisis. No further questions. Peregrine's Wasendorf Pleads Not Guilty [WSJ]

Layoffs Watch '12: UBS Tells Employees Not To Bother Themselves With Figuring Out How To Get Into Work (Ever Again)

Earlier this week, before a natural disaster struck the East Coast, UBS announced that it would essentially be getting out of the investment banking business and focusing its energy on wealth management, letting go of approximately 10,000 employees as it transitioned back to its tax evading roots. That was Monday morning, and while the bank had said that it planned to start cuts on Tuesday, most people assumed that the Swiss would wait at least 24 hours between the time Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy told residents to seek safety from the storm on their roofs, or power for the many who lost it was restored, to can a bunch of staff. Those people, however, thought wrong. Apparently when UBS decides to do something, neither wind nor rain nor is gonna stop them.

Goldman Sachs Probably Won't Be Laying People Off Anytime Soon

People being the operative word here, as the statement "we're going to look for other means for efficiency" most certainly suggests plants may once again find themselves on the chopping block. After a year of cost-cutting that resulted in more than 2,400 job cuts, Goldman Sachs is satisfied with its staffing levels and doesn't intend to conduct more large layoffs. Chief Financial Officer David Viniar said the firm has "largely implemented our announced expense reductions" and is "relatively well-positioned, assuming the environment stays where it is." He was speaking on a conference call with analysts to discuss first-quarter earnings. "We're going to look for other means for efficiency," he said. "I wouldn't expect anything major to change from where we are." Goldman Sachs Ends Layoffs [FINS] Related: Layoffs Watch ’11: Goldman Sachs’ Philodendrons In The Line Of Fire

SEC Staffers Have Made Remarkable Progress Re: Learning What Constitutes Appropriate Use Of A Work Computer

If you had asked us two years or two months or two days ago if we thought that there would be a time in the near future when Securities and Exchange employees would not be getting reprimanded for watching porn on their work-issued computers, we would have said absolutely not. No judgment, but in our professional opinion, people do not go from, among other things: * Receiving "over 16,000 access denials for Internet websites classified by the Commission's Internet filter as either "Sex" or "Pornography" in a one-month period" * Accessing "Internet pornography and downloading pornographic images to his SEC computer during work hours so frequently that, on some days, he spent eight hours accessing Internet pornography...downloading so much pornography to his government computer that he exhausted the available space on the computer hard drive and downloaded pornography to CDs or DVDs that he accumulated in boxes in his office." * www.ladyboyx.com, www.ladyboyjuice.com, www.trannytit.com, and www.anal-sins.com ...to living a porn-free existence at l'office. Did we think they'd take baby steps toward that goal sure? But when you've tried to log on to your websites of choice, on average, 533 times a day, assuming weekends were worked, baby steps means getting yourself to a place where you can do a solid two hours of work each week without hitting up anal-sins.com. So you can imagine (and probably share in) our surprise to hear that, according to a probe by Interim Inspector General Jon Rymer re: "misuses of government resources," the worst offenses one office was charged with claiming they needed iPads to do their jobs when really they just wanted to watch movies on them at home and going to hacker conferences without encrypting the data on their computers. Granted, it doesn't look so great that the group that was running around with computers that didn't even have anti-virus programs on their computers was the one that "is responsible for ensuring exchanges are following a series of voluntary guidelines...concerning computer audits, security, and capacity" but still, no ladyboyjuice while on the job-- that's huge. In a 43-page investigative report that probed the misuse of government resources, SEC Interim Inspector General Jon Rymer discovered that an office within the SEC's Trading and Markets division spent over $1 million on unnecessary technology. The report also found that the staffers failed to protect their computers and devices from hackers, even as they were urging exchanges and clearing agencies to do just that. Although no breaches occurred, the staffers left sensitive stock exchange data exposed to potential cyber attacks because they failed to encrypt the devices or even install basic virus protection programs...On Friday Reuters reviewed a copy of the full report, which details an even broader array of problems, from misleading the SEC about the office's need to buy Apple Inc products, to cases in which staffers took iPads and laptops home and used them primarily for pursuits such as personal banking, surfing the Web and downloading music and movies. The report says the staff may have brought the unprotected laptops to a Black Hat convention where hacking experts discuss the latest trends. They also used them to tap into public wireless networks and brought the devices along with them during exchange inspections...The report also found that some people who worked in the office had little or no experience with exchange technical matters. SEC staffers used govn't computers for personal use - report [Reuters] Earlier: SEC Supervisor Surfed Tranny Porn To Cope With Stress Of The Job; SEC Official Who Surfed Tranny Porn To Deal With Stress Of The Job– Not Alone!;