$$$ Got half an hour? Watch Facebook's retail roadshow [Facebook] $$$ Wall Street doesn't know how to value private equity firms [Fortune / Dan Primack] $$$ Documents allege HSBC money-laundering lapses [Reuters] $$$ UBS investors protest against pay plan [FT] $$$ Osama bin Laden's views on investing jihad money [FTAV] $$$ Pimco is looking for a digital marketing specialist in New York [DBCC] $$$ Wall Street Wants More From the JOBS Act [DealBook] $$$ Bank of America to Sell Hearst Tower for $250 Million [Bloomberg] $$$ Krugman Wishes He Were Wrong Amid EU Austerity Backlash [Bloomberg] $$$ The Secret of Ben Bernanke's Beard [Atlantic] $$$ This has no conceivable financial hook, but [The Awl] $$$ Lost Pet Parakeet Found Its Way Home By Telling the Police Its Home Address [Gizmodo]

$$$ Julius Baer to buy Merrill Lynch arm [FT] $$$ Groupon Shares Fall 14% on Slower Growth [WSJ] $$$ "Finally, and contrary to popular belief, [shadow] banking increases transparency and disclosure because banks now sell assets that would otherwise be hosted on their opaque balance sheets." [St. Louis Fed] $$$ Skepticism about proposed Libor fixes [Sober Look] $$$ Meet Chick-Felays, the Tiny Canadian Restaurant That Wants You to Know It Has No Opinion on Marriage Equality [Grub Street] $$$ Aboard his campaign plane Friday evening, Romney told reporters: “Bus tour, it’s great! It’s great to be out campaigning. . . . Campaigning is the most fun, is the most enjoyable and rewarding.” Romney then clapped his hands and returned to his seat at the front of the plane. “Back to my yogurt,” he said. [WaPo via Unfogged] $$$ T. Rowe Price is looking for an assistant corporate secretary, if you're interested [DBCC] $$$ Earnings report articles are kinda pointless [Reuters / Felix Salmon] $$$ The Wall Street Journal is pretty pleased with its Olympic forecasting [WSJ] $$$ ‘Fierce Five’ Gymnasts Face Hurdle In Landing Nickname Trademark [Bloomberg] $$$ "What does it mean that, say, David Koch could double each half of the GOP ticket’s net worth by giving Romney one-hundredth of his fortune, or giving Ryan one five-thousandth of his fortune?" [Concurring Opinions] $$$ HuffPost Live Presents John Cusack’s Rambling Thoughts On The Mortgage Crisis [NYO]

$$$ J.C. Penney Ousts Ron Johnson, Rehires Myron Ullman [WSJ] $$$ Capital markets: Is Citi the new golden child of Wall Street? [Euromoney] $$$ White Confirmed as SEC Chairman [WSJ] $$$ A.I.G. Seeks to Bar Greenberg From Suing U.S. on Its Behalf [DealBook] $$$ David Stockman's dystopia [Fortune] $$$ Wrestling’s Private Equity Champion [DealBook] $$$ Google Glass Already Being Banned from Strip Clubs [BetaBeat] $$$ The Fine Line Between Political Intelligence and Insider Trading [DealBook] $$$ Hedge Funds Wagering on Fannie Reincarnation [Bloomberg] $$$ As Deadline Looms, Few Companies Sign Up to Trade Swaps [WSJ] $$$ Costs of derivatives clearing stack up for buy-side [Reuters] $$$ Volcker: Central banks are too aggressive [CNN] $$$ Market Crash Likelihood Goes Up If Stocks Continue to Rally: Marc Faber [CNBC] $$$ Science proves women like men with bigger penises [NBC]

$$$ Senate approves Lew as new Treasury chief [Reuters] $$$ J.C. Penney Posts Large Loss as Sales Sink Further [WSJ] $$$ Wall Street Junk Kings Selling Debt Poised to Lose Value [Bloomberg] $$$ Volcker Rule Could Be Delayed — Again [WSJ] $$$ Occupy the SEC is suing to force regulators to work faster on the Volcker Rule [Occupy the SEC] $$$ MBAs Assemble a Malm Bed from IKEA [YouTube / Wharton Follies] $$$ Citi Private Bank is looking for a senior taxable fixed income portfolio manager in Stamford [DBCC] $$$ Delaware Finds Reverse Triangular Mergers Aren't Assignments [Deal Lawyers] $$$ Calpers Claims Victory in Apple Vote That Didn’t Happen [Deal Journal] $$$ "If a bank's cost of funding went up idiosyncratically, the borrower got penalized. If a bank was suddenly considered a big credit risk, it's borrowers paid the premium." [NetNet / John Carney] $$$ 'Marijuana cannon' used to fire drugs over US border seized in Mexico [Guardian] $$$ Sallie Krawcheck: Going To An All-Girls School Was Tougher Than Working On Wall Street [The Jane Dough]

$$$ Hedge fund chief Einhorn disappoints, Loeb has big 2012 [Reuters] $$$ JPMorgan Faces Sanction for Withholding Madoff Documents [Bloomberg] $$$ Ackman's Herbalife thesis: someone from the government will help poor people and billionaire hedge fund managers ... [Bronte Capital] $$$ Connections are key for the careers of male Wall Street analysts. For females, it’s education and forecast accuracy [AEI] $$$ Tom Wolfe: "Up until 2006 a spirit of manly daring had pervaded Wall Street’s investment bankers" but apparently not any more [Newsweek] $$$ ‘Teens’ Caught Egging Suburban Home Turn Out to Be Off-Duty Police Officers [Gawker] $$$ Mosaic Financial Markets is looking for a capital markets business analyst in New York [DBCC] $$$ You should buy a lot of Turkish stocks because they're guaranteed to go up! [Bloomberg, FTAV] $$$ New rule could turn U.S. hedge funds into informers on fraud [Reuters] $$$ Cerberus Close to Supervalu Deal [WSJ] $$$ How the World Has Changed [Alea] $$$ Historical Echoes: The Origins of the Piggy Bank [NY Fed] $$$ Finally, the Accessory We’ve Been Waiting For: A Wearable Cat Tail That Wags In Response to Your Heartbeat [Fashionista]

$$$ AIG Said to Boost U.S. TARP Recovery to 80% With Payment [Bloomberg] $$$ Trio of Deals Show IPO Strength [WSJ] $$$ Scrap Over Easing IPO Rules [WSJ] $$$ "The biggest recent change on Wall Street has been semantic, not substantive. The word 'client' has become Orwellian doublespeak. Goldman’s leaders talk uniformly about the importance of serving clients, but the firm’s salespeople know who is a client and who is a mere a counterparty." Frank Partnoy says sensible things about Muppetgate [FT] $$$ Fruit flies who strike out with the lady fruit flies drink to forget their troubles [NYT] $$$ Banks hike fees, cut costs to boost profits [Reuters] $$$ Glencore poised for joint bid for Viterra [FT] $$$ The New York Times paid executives multimillion dollar bonuses for achieving returns that were a fraction of its cost of capital, so that's kind of awkward [BreakingViews, via William Wright] $$$ Would you like some hyperbolic metaphors with your intimations of criminality? Enjoy! [Rolling Stone] $$$ "The Real Question re Goldman: Why doesn't Goldman have its employees sign non-disclosure agreements?" I know, right? [Credit Slips]

$$$ Manufacturing Slowdown Reaches U.S. [WSJ] $$$ Eurozone unemployment hits record high [FT] $$$ The Fishing Guide Who Hooked Hedge-Fund Titan Bill Ackman [Forbes] $$$ Finns, Dutch cast first doubt on euro zone deal [Reuters] $$$ Old Mitt’s Investment in a Fetus-Disposal Company Is Not a Great Thing for New Mitt [DI] $$$ Morgan Stanley is looking for an executive director to manage its Latam FX options market-making book [DBCC] $$$ JPMorgan Tightens Bond Grip As Whale Loss Weighs [Bloomberg] $$$ Esma probes agencies’ views on banks [FT] $$$ Physicists Inch Closer to Proof of Higgs Boson [NYT] $$$ Justin Bieber Graduates High School [NYT]

$$$ Dow Average Snaps Rally as Consumer Confidence Declines [Bloomberg] $$$ Two Ackman investors want more details on JC Penney [Reuters] $$$ Why We Should Rip the Banks in Two [Bloomberg View / Matthew C. Klein] $$$ "There’s something almost silly in the fact that Buffett, one of the world’s richest men, earns a salary of $100,000 at Berkshire—and then cuts a check for $50,000 to reimburse Berkshire for 'minor items such as postage or phone calls that are personal.'" [Deal Journal] $$$ Happy Ides of March! Where Caesar Was Killed, Cute Kittens Now Roam [IBTimes] $$$ A top tier hedge fund is looking for a valuations and risk analyst in New York [DBCC] $$$ Goldman named Steven Barg the head of something called "mergers and acquisitions capital markets," where he will "work with clients 'on the equity market implications of strategic activities.'" [DealBook] $$$ AT&T Signals It May Sell Assets to Fund Dividends, Buybacks [WSJ] $$$ BuzzFeed to Launch Business Section [WSJ] $$$ Five Reasons Mila Kunis Shouldn’t Be Buying Stocks Now [MarketBeat]