This Is A Story About A Person Who Volunteered To Run A Marathon While Hungover For $1,000

The following note was found in our inbox earlier this afternoon: "Our junior guy came in this morning hung over and stinking like booze. After a few of us made comments on how awful he looked, he responded by letting us know that he's in good enough shape to run a marathon, right now. Almost in sync and without hesitation, we said "done." He named his price: $1000 (WAY TOO LOW) and within 2 minutes, he had $1000 cash on his desk. He just left the trading floor and is headed back to his apartment to change into running clothes. He initially said he could finish the 26.2 in less than 5 hours in his work clothes as long as we let him change into sneakers. We decided to let him change into running gear, since we're good guys, but he still has the 5 hour time limit. We're tracking him via his iPhone's GPS. Happy Friday.”
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The following note was found in our inbox earlier this afternoon:

"Our junior guy came in this morning hung over and stinking like booze. After a few of us made comments on how awful he looked, he responded by letting us know that he's in good enough shape to run a marathon, right now. Almost in sync and without hesitation, we said "done." He named his price: $1000 (WAY TOO LOW) and within 2 minutes, he had $1000 cash on his desk. He just left the trading floor and is headed back to his apartment to change into running clothes. He initially said he could finish the 26.2 in less than 5 hours in his work clothes as long as we let him change into sneakers. We decided to let him change into running gear, since we're good guys, but he still has the 5 hour time limit. We're tracking him via his iPhone's GPS. Happy Friday.”

It's unclear who marathon man is, where he works, or if he will actually complete the challenge in the allotted time. And in fact, we're not particularly worried about finding answers to those questions. We're more interested in raising a few of our own, inspired by this guy, such as: what would you do for $1,000 while suffering a crippling hangover? While we love the enthusiasm and cojones on this kid (it's one thing to agree to run a marathon, hungover, without any training or notice; it's another to come up with the idea yourself, throw it on the table, and say "No, I don't need to change, I'll do it in this 3-piece suit and top hat, because fuck you, that's why"), you could not dangle a grand in either of your Dealbreaker editors' faces and expect us run 26.2 miles. Sit quietly in a comfortable chair (Matt), yes. Remain curled up in a fetal position under the covers (Bess), yes. Now you go.

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This Is A Story About Jim Rogers Allegedly Flipping Out On His Dentist After Allegedly Receiving "Cosmetic Enhancements" To His Teeth

One thing many tend to forget when thinking about multi-billionaires is that multi-billionaires are people too. People who just want to be loved. People who just want to feel good about themselves. People who just want to be beautiful. And just because they are worth mucho dinero does not necessarily mean that when they look in the mirror, they like what they see back. So they try and improve their appearances, thinking a tighter ass or more sculpted calves or higher cheekbones will make them happy and when things don't pan out like they'd hoped, they get a little upset. Take Jim Rogers, for instance. He supposedly wanted movie star teeth. So he went to his dentist in Singapore and had a new set put in and when they started falling out, well, can you really blame him for storming the office and making a scene? An American billionaire, a permanent resident here, is suing his dentist over a treatment that has left little for either party to smile about. Investment guru Jim Rogers, 69, wants a reimbursement of the $48,150 he spent on ceramic enhancements to his teeth recommended by Dr Ernest Rex Tan of Smile Inc Dental - and compensation on top of that. It is unclear how much compensation is being sought, but Chinese-language daily Lianhe Zaobao reported yesterday that the case is to be heard in the High Court, where only claims above $250,000 are dealt with. Dr Tan, 43, is fighting back, and counter-claiming for defamation. Zaobao reported court documents as saying that Mr Rogers is accusing Dr Tan and his practice of negligence for recommending partial-coverage ceramic restoration that turned out to be unsuitable for his teeth. The ceramic enhancements on his teeth later fell off. Dr Tan said Mr Rogers had not gone to him for treatment of temporomandibular joint disorder, but had wanted cosmetic enhancements to his teeth. The dentist said he had warned his patient about the potential problems, but Mr Rogers had decided to go ahead with it. He added that Mr Rogers had also ignored his advice to wear a dental splint. At a consultation to fix the fallen enhancements, the dentist said, Mr Rogers shouted at him in front of his staff and patients; he added that Mr Rogers also defamed him in a letter to six people. According to a spokesman for Rogers, a statement on the matter will be released "at an appropriate time." It's unclear when that is, or if it will be via a letter to investors, but we will of course keep you posted. American Investment Guru Sues Dentist [SLW]

This Is A Story About A Guy Telling A Random Dude On The Street "I'm actually building a hedge fund that uses quantitative strategies to pick stocks" And That Dude Actually Being Jim Simons

Something we've long-maintained around the Dealbreaker office is that hedge fund manager Jim Simons would make a great fairy godmother, what with his soothing voice, white beard, and the fact that he's really just a lovable math teacher who happened to make a zillion dollars by tinkering away the computers in his garage and would be happy to lend the powers of his magic cigarette wand to those in need.  So we were extremely pleased to have our attention brought to an anecdote from Scott Patterson's Dark Pools, in which Simons seems to appear out of nowhere, just like a FGM would, sprinkles unexpected gifts on a young man and woman (of both hope* and nicotine), and then disappears as quickly as he came via golden carriage. (We also appreciate that Simons is the kind of FGM that will laugh in your face as you explain to him what a quant fund is, not realizing he's got some experience there.) One day in the summer of 2006, Fleiss was having lunch outdoors with his girlfriend at a restaurant on the Upper East Side. As they chatted in the sun after their meal, an elderly man dressed in a modest suit walked out of the restaurant and lit up a cigarette. Fleiss's girlfriend bummed a smoke off him, and they began to chat. "So what do you do?" he asked Fleiss. "I'm actually building a hedge fund that uses quantitative strategies to pick stocks," he said. "Oh really?" The man laughed. "Where did you go to school?" "Amherst." "Good school. You know, I'm also in the quant biz." Fleiss asked where he worked, but the man wouldn't answer. But Fleiss kept pushing. Finally, the man said he ran a fund called Renaissance Technologies. Fleiss nearly fell out of his chair. He wanted to talk more, but a gleaming Bentley had just pulled to the curb and Jim Simons quickly disappeared into it. Dark Pools [Scott Patterson] Related: Who Wants to Become A Rebellion Research Investor? *That some of his quant-i-ness would rub off on the guy.

Woman Who Helped Sam Israel III Fake His Own Death Still Has Only Nice Things To Say About His Passion In The Sack, Department Stores

Remember Debra Ryan? For those who need a refresher, she was the woman behind the man that was Sam Israel III, the hedge fund manager who, with the help of DR, faked his own death in 2008 to avoid the prison time that was coming his way as a result of scamming investors in the Bayou Group out of $450 million. Several months after Israel was caught, Ryan penned an article for Marie Claire, explaining that she'd gone to great, illegal lengths to help him stay out of the big house because of all the "blazing sex life" they had, which see wasn't ready to give up. Though she was clearly not ready to move on ("I should just see it at face value and say he [screwed] me," she noted. "But I can’t let go") one would have thought that time and the three years probation Ryan was sentenced to would have helped her get over the guy who used to sneak up on her "while wearing glasses on his penis."  Apparently, though, such is not the case, as evidenced by Debra's contribution to a new book about Israel by Guy Lawson called Octopus, in which we learn that she is still carrying a torch for the guy the burns nearly as the fire in both their loins. "The next morning was Debra's birthday. She and Sam woke and made love-passionate, frantic, intense love. But as soon as they joined up with the Nicholses the atmosphere turned claustrophobic once again. Debra wanted alone time with Sam. But the Nicholses wouldn't leave them be for even a moment. Left with no choice, the two couples went for a stroll through the historic section of Zurich...wandering the old city was pleasant and exciting for Ryan. "I was starting to have a nice time," Ryan recalled. "Sam always wanted to spend money on me but I wouldn't let him. but this time he took me to a nice clothing store and bought me a bunch of new clothes. He was a great shopper- he could pick out clothes from the rack and they'd fit me perfectly. As we walked in one store, Sam turned me around and grabbed my face and kissed me with so much passion. We started to make out in the store, on the spur of the moment. I had never done that before, and I have never done it since. It was the best kiss ever." Octopus: Sam Israel, the Secret Market, and Wall Street's Wildest Con [Amazon] Related: Claim: Sam Israel’s Investors Gave Him Money Because They Liked Animal-Loving Cokeheads Who Looked Good In Women’s Underwear And Cowboy Boots Related: Hedge Fund Manager Who Faked His Own Death Has A Few Theories About Other Famous Murders, Real And Imaginary