In objective terms, worse things have happened to Steve Cohen than the news he received today. The charges against Mathew Martoma re: allegedly masterminding the largest insider trading scheme ever during his time at SAC. Friday's arrest of high-ranking employee Michael Steinberg. The $614 million he needs to personally pony up to settle with the Securities and Exchange Commission (which he may not even be allowed to do without an admission of guilt). The slanderous claim his house clocks in at a mere 14,000 square feet. The circling of federal investigators who want him bad. And yet presumably none of that compares to today's hit, which must have him in a fury that only the purchase of the Mona Lisa can assuage.

Back in October, we detailed a list of things that, if you are the hedge fund manager who goes by the name Steven A. Cohen, you really don't want to hear first thing in the morning. They included: “The fleeces are on back order”; “Your ex-wife is in the lobby”; “There’s a photographer here who said he’s been authorized to shoot you wearing a king’s robe and crown for a set of playing cards”; “You’ve been outmaneuvered for the Toledo Mud Hens. But I hear the Binghamton Mets may be available.” Today we must update that list to include another thing, perhaps THE thing,* that people delivering news to Cohen don't want to relay. Paraphrasing but any variants on: "Mr. Cohen, we've received a Wells notice and by the way, they're considering naming you personally."