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Jamie Dimon Sees The Kardashian's David LaChappelle-Directed Christmas Card And Raises Them "Tennis With Giant Balls In Our Park Avenue Living Room"

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Earlier this month. Jamie Dimon's office at 270 Park Avenue. Dimon is on his computer scrolling through pictures. As we get closer, we see that he's looking at old Kardashian family Christmas cards that Kourtney and Khloe have tweeted, before the big reveal of this, which elicits a "Oh for crying out loud" from Dimon. After a few more moments he picks up the phone.

Judy Dimon: Hello?
Jamie Dimon: It's me.
Judy Dimon: Oh hi honey, I'm glad you called, do you want me to pack your flannel shirt for the weekend? And what time will you be home, because I think we should get on the road by 5 and--
Jamie Dimon: Yeah, listen, you need to call the Blankfeins and cancel.
Judy Dimon: What do you mean cancel? We've been trying to do this weekend in Vermont with them for months.
Jamie Dimon: Can't do it Judy. Cancel with Laura and then call the girls. Tell them to be at the house for a family meeting at 1900 hours.
Judy Dimon: Jamie what is this about?
Jamie Dimon: You know what it's about.
Judy Dimon: I want to hear you say it.
Jamie Dimon: Don't make me, Judy.
Judy Dimon: No, if I'm going to be forced to cancel our weekend with the Blankfeins and devote the next two days straight to what you have planned, I want to hear the words come out of your mouth.

Jamie Dimon: Fine. It's Kris Jenner.
Judy Dimon: Oh, for Christ's sake, I knew it. I thought you were over this.
Jamie Dimon: I'm not going to let her screw me again this year, Judy, I can't. I WON'T. I--
Judy Dimon: Jamie, we've always had very nice Christmas cards. Certainly the best among all the Wall Street CEOs. This year might even be our best.
Jamie Dimon: Best among Wall Street CEOs? Is that who we're comparing ourselves to? No, it's garbage. Santa's Little Elves, my god what was I thinking. We need to start from scratch.
Judy Dimon: Honey, you have got to get over this weird competitive thing with--
Jamie Dimon: Every year she does this to me. 1993. We do 'Corgis and Candy Canes,' she pulls out flipping 'Hells Angels.'
Judy Dimon: Jamie.
Jamie Dimon: 1995, we do an homage to grunge, she puts the entire family in Canadian tuxedos.
Judy Dimon: Jamie, I just...
Jamie Dimon: Well not this year, Kris Jenner. Call the girls. Wait. Not JUST the girls. Call Bruce Jenner. He and Kris are on the outs, right? Think he'll help us stick it to her? They've humiliated us for the last time.
Judy Dimon: Jamie I think you should just calm down and--
Jamie Dimon: Wait, no, forget Bruce. I'll call Bruce. I know what to say to him. You just call the girls.
Judy Dimon: Jamie--
Jamie Dimon: CALL THE GIRLS!

End scene.

Jamie Dimon’s holiday card looks like a Ralph Lauren advertisement [Quartz]
Related: The End of Days Comes with Kardashians’ David LaChapelle Khristmas Kard


Lloyd Blankfein Finally Gets To Be The Prettiest Girl At The Ball

Time was, Jamie Dimon was the most popular CEO on Wall Street and America's "Least Hated Banker," for reasons that included the fact that the man has soulful blue eyes, charisma out the ass, and was in charge of one of the banks that a) didn't go out of business during the financial crisis, like Lehman and Bear and b) supposedly didn't actually need the bailout money the government made it take (as JD has said previously), like Bank of America and Citigroup. The man, in the hearts of many and especially the adoring press, could do no wrong. Which is why it probably stung a lot that Lloyd Blankfein, a Wall Street CEO who also possesses more charm than a person would know what do do with, who was also in charge of a bank that neither went out of business during the financial crisis nor required the bailout money it was forced to take (according to GS), and who is also the owner of a pair of baby blues, though in his case ones that sparkle, could only do wrong. And while LB is not one to gloat at another's misfortune, especially that of a friend, he's obviously feeling pretty good about being living proof of the old saying, "only one Wall Street CEO's balls can be in a vise at a time," and right now it's JD's turn. Dimon did not attend the annual Robin Hood Foundation party [last night], but Blankfein was there, enjoying a rare night out of the spotlight. He shook hands, introduced his wife and, grinning broadly, posed for pictures. For months, Goldman Sachs has been portrayed as the callous Wall Street behemoth whose executives collected giant bonuses while America's housing crisis worsened and unemployment rose. But Monday night was different. "No one cares about Lloyd tonight. It is Jamie against the world, and that's got to feel good for Lloyd," another hedge fund manager said. And this is just the beginning. First, they stop calling you Satan and claiming you poisoned their food, next glowing profiles and cover stories devoting major column inches to your rippling biceps and the throngs of women you beat off with a stick. Dimon Pushes Blankfein Off Hot Seat At Charity Gala [Reuters] Robin Hood Scene: Blankfein, Soros, Rihanna [Bloomberg/Photo]