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Start Working On Your SAC Capital Eulogies Now

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We knew that our time was limited but it wasn't until this morning that we found out how limited: according to Dealbook, SAC Capital as we know it will cease to exist come mid-March, at which point the firm take on a new name, streamline its "legal entities," and add a layer of middlemen whose purpose is to make it more difficult for traders to get face time with the Big Guy.

In the spirit of the plea deal, which ordered SAC to shut its doors to outside investors, the new firm will condense into fewer legal entities and will not accept any external money. The slimmed-down operation, the people said, will operate as a so-called family office that manages employee money and an estimated $9 billion from the personal fortune of Mr. Cohen, SAC’s owner and founder...“We have taken to heart the government’s criticisms of our business model, and as we convert to a family office we are making substantive changes,” an SAC spokesman said in a statement, declining to discuss specifics of the new firm.

Still, Mr. Cohen will remain chief executive of the new, yet-to-be-named business. And the firm will simply reshuffle its staff to add a layer of management between Mr. Cohen and the firm’s existing traders, another nod to the plea deal and the government’s apparent fixation with seeking to link Mr. Cohen to illicit trading.

What will the new firm be called? No one knows for sure, though there have been many suggestions to choose from, including SEC Capital, Zamboni Asset Management, and The Physical Impossibility Of Jail Time In the Mind Of Someone Living Large Capital. What is known for sure is that come March, a little piece of Wall Street will die. How will you mourn the passing of this giant? Start by thinking about the eulogy you'll deliver, whether it's in the bar car of the 5:37 train out of Stamford, the back room at Beamer's, or the front lawn of 72 Cummings Point Road as people awkwardly make their way to their cars. If you're having having trouble organizing your thoughts, start small by simply filling in this blank: "The thing I'll miss most about SAC Capital is _____."

And remember, there are no wrong answers; grief takes on many forms.

After Scandal, SAC Capital Begins to Fade to Black [Dealbook]


Things Could Be A LOT Better At SAC Capital Right Now

Back in October, we detailed a list of things that, if you are the hedge fund manager who goes by the name Steven A. Cohen, you really don't want to hear first thing in the morning. They included: “The fleeces are on back order”; “Your ex-wife is in the lobby”; “There’s a photographer here who said he’s been authorized to shoot you wearing a king’s robe and crown for a set of playing cards”; “You’ve been outmaneuvered for the Toledo Mud Hens. But I hear the Binghamton Mets may be available.” Today we must update that list to include another thing, perhaps THE thing,* that people delivering news to Cohen don't want to relay. Paraphrasing but any variants on: "Mr. Cohen, we've received a Wells notice and by the way, they're considering naming you personally."

Things Could Be Worse But They Could Also Be Better At SAC Capital Right Now

The good news, if you are Mr. Steve Cohen: you were neither charged nor "mentioned by name" in the criminal complaint against your former employee, Mathew Martoma. The less good news: YOU ARE PORTFOLIO MANAGER A. YOU NEVER WANT TO BE PORTFOLIO MANAGER A!