New Investment Banking Hire ('s Colleagues) Want To Get A Few Things Straight

Author:
Updated:
Original:

Update: While the below is in fact “real” (as in it was an email sent out to people), it appears as though it was a prank on behalf of redacted’s co-workers. Let is now serve as an important cautionary tale: failing to lock up your computer upon stepping away for even mere moments may result in your handsy colleagues having their way with your business.
____________________________________________________

From: [redacted]
Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2014 2:30 PM

All,

I’m excited for this opportunity to join the [redacted investment bank] Healthcare team and look forward to touching base with each of you in the coming days.

Was not an easy decision to make the jump from [other redacted investment bank] to [aforementioned redacted investment bank] as both banks have a stellar name/ reputation and both consistently rank among the elite of Wall Street in terms of fees and fighting for the largest deals (see attached article). Despite making this move (that some may criticize as a step down), I’m thrilled to be joining the team – I even updated my LinkedIn account a month ago in anticipation.

To that end, just want to lay a couple ground rules before I begin so we all good off on the right foot (Associates and VP’s, this is mainly for you):

1. Happy to pull long hours and all, but will have a hard stop at 10:30PM, Monday – Thursday, and 6:00PM Fridays

2. In my contract with HR, negotiated the ability to opt out of any [redacted MD] books – sorry, no exceptions

3. Finally, I have a unique last name. Get over it. No jokes / snarky remarks / persiflaging / banter will be tolerated

Other than that, look forward to building a personal connection with all of you. Not totally convinced my cube location was the best choice given I’m situated next to [redacted co-worker] / [other redacted co-worker], but I’m not one to let my situation get the best of me.

Thanks,
[redacted]

Related

Investment Bank Group Head: Do You Want To Be A Wolf That Starves In The Winter Or Wolf That Eats His Competitors' Fee Pies For Lunch?

Your call. From: [redacted] Sent: March 28, 2012 9:12 AM Subject: Spring Ahead For those with direct/indirect coverage responsibilities, pls take out your lists today to remind yourselves who we have money out to and that your name is on the ComCom coverage team that got that money approved. Anecdotal observation I conclude is that where we pay attention in some reasonable, non-trivial ways (meeting, meal, call, insightful email), we get paid back in flow DCM capital markets participation It's just how this game works, the money doesn't flat out speak for us, we need to speak for it, and we don't have to stomp/yell, just be around, consistently the more frequency, the more client comfort, the more they feel reminded of their commercial obligations to us, the easier it is for them to remember to take care of us -- lubricate to prevent rust, just like a motor engine or morning exercise We've been printing something almost every week this spring, keep the momentum while it's here, and make it grow so it lasts into trough times If you think this message is meant for someone else, it's probably for you too, it is for us all, so don't look sideways for some sort of peer-level comfort, look to your career, which is your clients Junior bankers pushing cogent observations up are as important as senior bankers pushing that stimulus out to clients -- make your time matter most, you own it the world is still an uncertain place, which means our individual and collective ability to create opportunity and make a personal impact is here and now Various of us have teamed up very well on multiple and diverse endeavors within this 2012 Budget year to close out Tier 1, and then re-populate it, so it matters for our Fiscal 2012 In doing so, we have become a Burden to our competitors and a Benefit to our clients, as it should be Those recently Burdened by our direct sharp edge into their fee pie and who would otherwise prefer that we be unmotivated, disorganized, lazy-minded, subservient and acquiescent include: [list of every large bank] With no due respect to their no longer deserved incumbency, I like being where we are, doing what we're doing, and how we're doing it, working and Winning, without the Charlie Sheen meltdowns along the way Welcome to Top 10 there's more food on those complacent plates, they're distracted by entitlement, not watching the table, it's time for the hungry to eat We Hunt and We Gather, sometimes alone, sometimes together both strategies work, and have since mankind became sentient Wherever your personal preferences and natural tendencies may lead you, rise above that and evolve to a more meaningful Hunter/Gatherer contributor to this increasingly productive tribe -- the bigger payout kills require larger organized squads -- wolves hunt in packs for a reason, and every pack needs it's field leader to be best organized -- it's the time-tested proven best use of a wolf pack's collective energy -- if they waste it, they starve in winter -- we're graduating to wolf pack status, it's got our competitors looking, watching, wondering -- for those who've never operated within a wolf pack, come aboard and enjoy the living/learning-by-doing experience!

Warren Buffett Wants To Get One Thing Straight: He Loves A Good Booze Cruise

Earlier this month, Denis Abrams, CEO of Berkshire Hathaway-owned Benjamin Moore was fired, because, one story claimed, he'd arranged a "corporate trip to Bermuda on the company tab," which included an "island dinner cruise aboard a yacht some believed was owned by singer Jimmy Buffett." According to Warren Buffett, however, such is not the case and any suggestion otherwise is downright offensive. Abrams was fired over a "strategy disagreement" and, more importantly, Buffett would never can anyone for mixing it  up on a booze cruise, a point he cannot stress enough, in case anyone out there was considering not inviting him to their next bash. "The recent story coupling a top management convocation on a boat with the decision to make a management change at Benjamin Moore is completely false," Mr. Buffett wrote in the letter. "I had never heard of the boat trip prior to reading about it in the paper on June 14. There was no reason for you to let me know about the meeting and, if you had, I would have had no objection to it at all." We clear? Buffett Gets Hands-On At Benjamin Moore [WSJ]

President Of Multi-Billion Dollar Investment Firm Will Fire The Next Degenerate Caught Leaving a Dirty Dish In the Sink Before He Will Hire a Janitor

From: [redacted] Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2012 4:57 PM To: Office-CT Subject: The end of my rope. Ten days ago I entered the kitchen at 6 pm at the end of the day to find a sink full of dirty dishes. I cleaned them and put them in the dishwasher. Today I just went in the kitchen and again there is a sink full of dirty dishes. Let me make this clear. THERE IS A SIGN OVER THE SINK FOR A REASON…..no one in this office is paid to be your personal janitor. If I catch anyone leaving their dirty dishes in the sink, you will be fired. [redacted] President and Chief Operating Officer Obviously this an amazing story we're going to be following closely. At this time we do have a few questions that need answering and they are: 1) What was the first thought that crossed this guy's mind upon entering the kitchen and seeing the mess yesterday? Was it "These filthy fucking animals"? 2) What level of slop are we talking about here? Was it every available fork and stacks and stacks of plates with disgusting crusted-on grease or was it, like, a water glass and he'd just reached that point where one more dirty dish pushes you over the edge? 3) His boss is a billionaire who might very well think he's paying someone to act as a personal janitor-- if he's one of the culprits will the same vigilante justice and dressing down be served? 4) Has he installed surveillance cameras to monitor the area? On the one hand, this email would suggest that yes, he most certainly has. On the other, though, he sort of sounds like he's so pissed about this shit that he's going to shelve all of his other responsibilities in order to devote himself full time to staking out the kitchen and nailing these lowlifes.