Gold; Greece; Bezos; "Oregon man uses drone to rescue stranded drone"; and more.

$$$ JPMorgan Said To Face Escalating Senate Probe Of CIO Loss [Bloomberg] $$$ J.P. Morgan Names New Chief Investment Officer [Deal Journal] $$$ Banks now like to do quarterly calls with bondholders [WSJ] $$$ Some people still like big banks [Bloomberg] $$$ FINRA is suing a test-prep firm for taking Series 7, etc., exams 64 times, failing 52 of those times, and memorizing the questions to tell their students [Reuters; the complaint is also amusing] $$$ [Harvard] Economics concentrator Ali E. Evans ’13 received his [Harvard Business School] acceptance email on Wednesday while sitting in class next to his roommates. He said he celebrated silently and texted his parents. Evans said he has visited classes at the Business School with his tutors at Kirkland House since sophomore year. "Leading my own company one day is definitely a goal of mine, and so business school definitely fits in with that plan," he said. [Crimson] $$$ Pimco is looking for a diversity & inclusion coordinator in Newport Beach [DBCC] $$$ Qatar Imperils Big Merger of Commodity Companies [DealBook] $$$ There's a new Kindle Fire and it's cheaper [WSJ] $$$ Citigroup, Goldman, UBS Sued Over Mortgage-Backed Bonds [Bloomberg] $$$ Goldman must face mortgage debt claims - 2nd Circuit [Reuters] $$$ European political leader says "Some fans of group sex say that it’s better than one-on-one because, as with any collective work, you can skive off," is not Silvio Berlusconi [Telegraph]

$$$ Julius Baer to buy Merrill Lynch arm [FT] $$$ Groupon Shares Fall 14% on Slower Growth [WSJ] $$$ "Finally, and contrary to popular belief, [shadow] banking increases transparency and disclosure because banks now sell assets that would otherwise be hosted on their opaque balance sheets." [St. Louis Fed] $$$ Skepticism about proposed Libor fixes [Sober Look] $$$ Meet Chick-Felays, the Tiny Canadian Restaurant That Wants You to Know It Has No Opinion on Marriage Equality [Grub Street] $$$ Aboard his campaign plane Friday evening, Romney told reporters: “Bus tour, it’s great! It’s great to be out campaigning. . . . Campaigning is the most fun, is the most enjoyable and rewarding.” Romney then clapped his hands and returned to his seat at the front of the plane. “Back to my yogurt,” he said. [WaPo via Unfogged] $$$ T. Rowe Price is looking for an assistant corporate secretary, if you're interested [DBCC] $$$ Earnings report articles are kinda pointless [Reuters / Felix Salmon] $$$ The Wall Street Journal is pretty pleased with its Olympic forecasting [WSJ] $$$ ‘Fierce Five’ Gymnasts Face Hurdle In Landing Nickname Trademark [Bloomberg] $$$ "What does it mean that, say, David Koch could double each half of the GOP ticket’s net worth by giving Romney one-hundredth of his fortune, or giving Ryan one five-thousandth of his fortune?" [Concurring Opinions] $$$ HuffPost Live Presents John Cusack’s Rambling Thoughts On The Mortgage Crisis [NYO]

$$$ M&T To Buy Hudson City In Deal Valued At $3.7 Billion [Bloomberg] $$$ Best Buy Founder Gets Green Light to Pursue Buyout [WSJ] $$$ Don't all M&A processes leak and push up the target stock price? Anyway, Deltek's did [Term Sheet] $$$ Mike Evans heats up Goldman succession speculation by buying an apartment [DealBook] $$$ Americans Think the Rich Are Smarter, But Greedier [CNBC] $$$ Quincy Jones 'knew of alleged plot by Steve Wynn to kill founder of Girls Gone Wild and hide his body in the desert' say court documents [Daily Mail] $$$ Prudential is looking for an associate manager for derivative products [DBCC] $$$ In Dollar Thrifty Deal, Hertz Bets Big on Certainty of Closing [DealBook] $$$ Delaware court affirms $2 bln Southern Copper judgment [Reuters] $$$ Allowing mortgage cramdowns raised mortgage rates by 10-20bps for risky borrowers [Credit Slips] $$$ The Sharapova Effect: you try harder to succeed in sports if you're good-looking enough to get lots of endorsement deals [Freakonomics] $$$ “Remember when McDonald’s used to be called Mickey D’s?” asks Becky Johnson, a senior vice president at Applebee’s. “That was a street slang term, people playing with the name. We found out that ‘the bee’s’ is how the kids are describing Applebee’s.” By “kids,” she means twenty- and thirtysomething singles who may eat at Applebee’s with co-workers or family members, but who generally go elsewhere—like, to an actual bar—at night and on the weekends. “The bee’s is an overt invitation to them,” says Johnson. “We want them back.” [BBW]

Credit Suisse chief on the way out; HSBC still in troubs; Goldman Sachs love emojis; Marijuana on the loose; AND MORE.

$$$ Pierre-Henri Flamand is closing his event-driven hedge fund Edoma because there are no events [WSJ] $$$ Global Regulators to Cut List of Too-Big-To-Fail Banks to 28 [Bloomberg] $$$ Wells Seeks Mortgage-Suit Dismissal, Citing Redundancy [WSJ] $$$ Bloomberg endorses Obama [Bloomberg View] $$$ So does Whitney Tilson [BBW] $$$ Obviously there is a Harvard Business School Gangnam Style video [YouTube] $$$ The SEC is looking for a graphic artist / web designer in DC [DBCC] $$$ "Bernanke Depression Guru Seeks Roosevelt Well-Being" [Bloomberg] $$$ "The guide's popularity offers a glimpse into the world of aspiring management consultants" [WSJ] $$$ "Over the last 60 years, poll questions that asked people which candidate they expected to win have been a better guide to the outcome of the presidential race than questions asking people whom they planned to vote for." [NYT] $$$ Yield is the Last Refuge of Scoundrels [Aleph Blog] $$$ Cory Booker Not Taking Hot Pocket Crisis Seriously [DI]

$$$ Tables turn on Spain with pressure to seek bailout [Reuters] $$$ Maybe David Viniar will be Goldman's chairman when Lloyd retires and Gary is CEO? [WSJ] $$$ "The study found that for a sample of modifications to securitized subprime mortgages, a 10 percent reduction in the monthly payment was associated with a 4.5 percentage point reduction in the twelve-month redefault rate." [New York Fed] $$$ "If Apple continues on its current trajectory, something remarkable might happen on April 9, 2015, at around 11 a.m. That is, statisticians and investors I've spoken with say, a conservative estimate of when Apple could become the first company ever to be valued at $1 trillion." [NYT!] $$$ Welcome to the world Quartz! [Qz] $$$ "To call the Berenstains anthropomorphized bears insults both humans and bears." [NetNet / John Carney] $$$ Credit Suisse is looking for a research analyst for commodity strategies in asset management in New York [DBCC] $$$ U.S. Corporate Bond Tally Could Top $100 Billion in September [WSJ] $$$ Meredith Whitney is still pretty sure banks will fire a lot of people [CNBC] $$$ William Cohan confuses himself horribly about Whaledemort [Bloomberg] $$$ Mario Batali is paying $1.15mm to Del Posto employees to settle a lawsuit over wages, tips, overtime and discrimination [Diner's Journal] $$$ Hillary Clinton Aide Tells Reporter To “Fuck Off” And “Have A Good Life” [BF] $$$ Mitt Romney Doesn’t Get Why Airplane Windows Don’t Open [DI]

Alibaba blows it; Trump surges in Iowa; HSBC promotions; Poop geyser on British beach; and more.