Stephen Schwarzman's performance review must have gone really well.

And it wasn't just one of those giant Toblerone bars.

Not everyone received a package that resulted in a nice long cry. Andrea Orcel, for example, did pretty okay for himself.

The board has decided Corbat did a 10 percent shittier job last year than in 2013.

...did pretty well for themselves this last go around, particularly compared to their counterparts at JP Morgan, Morgan Stanley, BofA, and Citigroup.

...employees will get their bonus numbers when management feels like giving them their bonus numbers!

The Swiss bank will reportedly announce today that it's going to be doing things a little differently around here re: compensation. One, deferrals will start at $250,000 and two, rather than being paid in UBS stock, the non-cash portion of 6,500 senior employees' bonuses will come in the form of subordinated debt that can and will be wiped out in the event the amount of capital on hand falls below the level required by EU regulators, putting the onus on everyone to make sure no one pulls an Adoboli and avoids multi-billion dollar fuck-ups in general.