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How Would Lynn Tilton Punish Lynn Tilton?

Banning jello-shots from the conference room would certainly be an effective deterrent against fraud.
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Earlier today, the Securities and Exchange Commission charged Patriarch Partners and its founder, Lynn Tilton, with defrauding investors to the tune of $200 million. According to the regulator, Patriarch lied about the value of underlying loans of three collateralized loan obligations: Zohar I, II and III. Obviously, we're a long way off from a punishment, if there is any, for Tilton and the firm, which has vowed to "vigorously defend [itself] against the SEC’s allegations." But, just as an exercise, let's look down the road. Say a punishment is deemed right and necessary-- Tilton is a billionaire, so a financial penalty would make but a dent in her net worth. As for prison time, it seems unlikely in a case like this.1 So what, then, would be a potentially appropriate sentence? Let's look to Tilton herself for some ideas.

* She could be banned from doing Jello shots and covering herself in whipped cream for a period of 3-5 years: Tilton offered her male employees a choice: They could take a Jell-O shot off her stomach or lick whipped cream off her breasts. “The crazy part was, she saw it as morale building,” says one person present. “People were hiding in the bathroom.”

* ...or given strict instructions that any men she encounters are to stay upright and clothed at all times: "You must be mistaken," she shot back. "It's only men that I strip and flip. My companies I hold long and close to my heart."

* The government could seize her whip, handcuff, and dagger collection, as well as come up with a rule that states she's not allowed to pose for photos on the hood of any luxury vehicles (jalopies are okay): The walls are filled with whips and handcuffs sent to her by friends, Hashemite daggers given to her by Middle Eastern royals, New Age paintings and a portrait of her stretched across the hood of a black Mercedes.

* She could be sentenced to a lifetime of wearing flats or those sneakers women donned in the 80s while commuting: "I'm wearing a Cavalli top, a Versace belt, a Gucci skirt, and I believe Prada boots," she explains, throatily. She is also wearing four-inch stilettos. "I need to look sufficiently fierce to make sure that I garner the respect that I deserve."

* Or banned from telling her go-to, oft-repeated joke: “There are three universal lies: Margins are weak, but we’ll make it up in volume; the check’s in the mail; and I won’t come in your mouth.”

* And, if the SEC is really hellbent on hurting her? No more Christmas cards to clients, not even the ones on her "good" list.: For many years I had men asking me on the phone each day what I was wearing and what color my underwear was, so I sent out a Christmas card with me in a red lace sort of teddy, and red cowboy boots and a Santa hat, wishing them a Merry Christmas.

SEC Accuses Lynn Tilton of Misleading Clients on Loan Valuations [Bloomberg]

Earlier: Lynn Tilton Bares All; This Is A Story About Lynn Tilton’s Employees Doing Jello Shots Off Her Rack; Step Into Lynn Tilton’s Office; Lynn Tilton’s Unique Take On Trust Falls May Cause Side Effects; Lynn Tilton: Never Apologize For Sending Near-Naked Christmas Cards To Your Clients And Friends On Wall Street

1. That's an uneducated guess, I actually have no idea but it feels right.↩

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Unhappy in your current position and desperate to make a move? Completely content but looking for opportunities for professional growth? Today's your lucky day. Patriarch Partners founder and CEO Lynn Tilton, she of Christmas card, jello shots, whipped cream off her breasts, and "I won't come in your mouth" fame is looking for a personal assistant. Job Description: Want to learn the private equity business from one of the most successful female business owners in the country? If so, Patriarch Partners may be just the ticket. Yale and Columbia Business School Graduate, Lynn Tilton owns the largest woman-owned business in the country and is seeking an Executive Assistant to work by her side as she endeavors to save American jobs by rescuing and turning around iconic American companies. Her current portfolio consists of 75 companies representing more than $8 billion of revenues including MD Helicopters, Rand McNally, Dura Automotive, Spiegel Catalogs and Stila Cosmetics. Responsibilities will include, but are not limited to the following: • Manage Ms. Tilton’s business and personal life in the manner of a Congressional/Senatorial Chief of Staff • Liaise with the portfolio company executives • Manage Ms. Tilton’s travel and be available to travel at a moment’s notice • Provide briefs on all meetings and handle follow-up from high level meetings • Work closely with finance, credit, human resources and communications departments to make certain Ms. Tilton is knowledgeable at all times about the state of business at the holding company level • Meet and greet all clients, guests and visitors in a warm & friendly manner • Travel with Ms. Tilton and top executives making certain all meetings and activities run smoothly, efficiently and effectively • Have working knowledge of all companies in Patriarch’s portfolio • Be able to manage real estate properties owned by Ms. Tilton • Provide back-up support to the Executive Assistant when necessary; run personal errands, personal shopping, and coordinate/interact with household staff and vendors • Manage daily health and well being of Ms. Tilton • Maintain discretion with confidential information and documents at all times Qualifications: • Bachelors Degree from top 10 college • Have a hands on, no job too big, no job too small sensibility • Intelligent, warm and friendly personality with a positive attitude and etiquette • Excellent written, oral, and interpersonal skills • High energy personality and healthy lifestyle belief system • Extremely organized and proactive with impeccable attention to detail • Professional appearance, polished and thick skinned • Ability to stay calm under pressure • Ability to work in a fast-paced, dynamic and collaborative environment, flexible and adaptable to change • Strong work ethic, self-directed with ability to multi-task and communicate effectively with individuals at all levels of the organization • Forward thinking always anticipating the needs and desires of Ms. Tilton • A sense of humor • Consummate computer skills: Outlook, Word, Excel, etc. • A "do whatever it takes" mentality Related: This Is A Story About Lynn Tilton’s Employees Doing Jello Shots Off Her Rack Lynn Tilton Accused Of Physically, Verbally Assaulting Employees, ‘Barely Restraining’ Her Breasts Lynn Tilton: “There are three universal lies: Margins are weak, but we’ll make it up in volume; the check’s in the mail; and I won’t come in your mouth.”

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