Germany tells Greece to fuck itself; Morgan Stanley wondering if junior employee didn't really post client info online; HFT firm will IPO; "Skijoring event combines skiing with horse racing"; When the hackers come back, JP Morgan will be ready.

Westminster Hits At Goldman Sachs Bonus Plan (FT) Goldman Sachs provoked a furious reaction in Westminster after it emerged that the U.S. investment bank was mulling a plan to delay its U.K. bonus payments to take advantage of the imminent cut to the top rate of tax. John Mann, a Labour member of the Treasury select committee, criticized an "opportunistic money grab" by banks at a time of intensifying public anger against the sector. Some 10 banks had previously considered delaying bonuses until the top rate falls from 50 to 45 pence - although most have since concluded that this would be damaging. Chris Leslie, shadow Treasury minister, said banks needed to think carefully about their reputations. Fitch Warns Of US Downgrade Over Debt Fight (CNBC) In a statement Fitch said the debt ceiling was "an ineffective and potentially dangerous mechanism for enforcing fiscal discipline. It does not prevent tax and spending decisions that will incur debt issuance in excess of the ceiling while the sanction of not raising the ceilingrisks a sovereign default and renders such a threat incredible." Fitch Upbeat On Ireland (Reuters) If [Ireland's] debts could be shared out among euro zone states through the region's bailout mechanisms there could be scope for Ireland's BBB-plus rating to rise into the single-A category, according to Fitch analyst Douglas Renwick. "If there is an element of risk sharing, say perhaps through the ESM (European Stability Mechanism) over a bit of time, it could rise back to the single-A (range)," Renwick said. JPMorgan Ordered To Fix Lapses (WSJ) US regulators hit JPMorgan with four formal enforcement actions targeting lapses in risk-management and money-laundering controls, including the first sanctions in response to the bank's multibillion-dollar 2012 trading debacle. One set of cease-and-desist orders from the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency and the Federal Reserve instructs the largest U.S. bank by assets to remedy the breakdowns that allowed a small group of London-based traders to rack up more than $6 billion in losses last year. Another requires the bank to beef up its antimoney-laundering procedures and mirrors an action taken last April when regulators ordered Citigroup to upgrade its transaction-monitoring procedures and enhance internal audit. None of the orders issued Monday require any fines or monetary penalties, but regulators left the door open to future action. Wells Fargo Bets On Charlotte Trading After BofA Flees (Bloomberg) \Wells Fargo is betting its securities business can thrive 600 miles from New York in the same city Bank of America's traders largely abandoned. The first of 900 Wells Fargo employees moved last month into a new space on two floors of a 48-story tower in Charlotte, North Carolina. From their windows they can see the complex a half-mile away where Bank of America built its own state-of-the- art facility less than a decade ago for about 550 traders and investment bankers. Most have since been fired or moved to New York. Police: Teacher offers sexual favors to officer to avoid DUI arrest (WPBF) According to the arrest report, an empty gallon jug of Carlo Rossi wine was found behind the driver's seat of Maloney's damaged van, which was parked on the side of the street when officers arrived. Police said Maloney refused to cooperate with officers during their DUI investigation. Police said she began yelling at them and made random vulgar statements. While she was on her way to the police station, Maloney allegedly told an officer, "How much do I need to pay you to just let me go? Don't you understand I am a school teacher?" She then offered to perform oral sex on the officer and let him fondle her breasts, the report stated. RBS Libor Fine May Hit $800M+ (Bloomberg) US and UK regulators could hit the Royal Bank of Scotland with as much as $804 million in fines next week to settle allegations traders tried to rig interest rates, two people with knowledge of the matter said. Investment banking chief John Hourican and Peter Nielsen, the head of markets, may also be asked to leave because they had responsibility for the parts of the company where the alleged wrongdoing occurred. The fine would be the second-largest levied by regulators in their investigation into allegations traders at the world’s biggest lenders manipulated submissions used to set the London interbank offered rate. UBS AG, Switzerland’s biggest lender, was fined $1.5 billion in December for rate-rigging, exceeding the 290 million pounds Barclays paid in June. Bob Khuzami, Master Blaster (NYP) Robert Khuzami yesterday took aim at a Columbia University professor who chided the SEC’s head of enforcement for not suing enough high-ranking individuals at large financial institutions, choosing instead to settle with those companies...Khuzami said in a blistering 1,500-word article in the National Law Journal that the SEC has charged a total of 102 individuals associated with the credit crisis, including high-level executives at Citigroup, Credit Suisse, Bear Stearns, and Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac...It’s the second time in as many weeks that Khuzami has called out his critics by name. Just before New Year’s Eve, the Brooklyn native blasted Simon Johnson, a professor at MIT Sloan School of Management, for a New York Times blog that said Khuzami’s hire was a “mistake” because of his former ties to Deutsche Bank. Khuzami shot back in the comment section of the blog — an unusual move for a public official. Wall Street Pay Gets Tougher Look (WSJ) Daniel Loeb, who runs hedge-fund firm Third Point LLC, has raised questions about whether compensation levels at Morgan Stanley are justified given the New York company's size and relative simplicity compared with larger bank. Hedge Funds' Manhattan Migration (WSJ) Of the new firms starting out in Manhattan, Greenwich or Stamford, about 86% picked the Big Apple, on average, from 2003 to 2008, according to eVestment, which tracks data on about 70% of U.S. hedge-fund firms. In 2009 and 2010, Manhattan was home to an average of 92% of the fund launches. Data for 2011 suggest the trend has continued. "There are blips in the data, but it's clear launches shifted toward New York after the crisis," says Peter Laurelli, eVestment's head of research. Detroit mafia boss says Jimmy Hoffa is buried in shallow grave north of Detroit (NYDN) Tony Zerilli, 85, says Hoffa was buried in a field outside Detroit, about 20 miles from the restaurant where he was last seen in July 1975. The aging Zerilli, who was in prison at the time of Hoffa’s disappearance, told TV news stations WNBC and WDIV that the plan was to move Hoffa’s body, but that never happened. “The master plan was, that I understood, was that they were going to put him in a shallow grave here. Then, they were going to take him from here to Rogers City upstate,” Zerilli said. “There was a hunting lodge and they were going to bury in a shallow grave then take him up there for final burial. Then, I understand, that it just fell through.” It was unclear why Zerilli chose to speak now about the 37-year-old mystery that has elicited dozens of false leads and conspiracy theories in the past. Zerilli said is to be ailing and penniless since his release from prison in 2008. WNBC reported he is promoting an upcoming book titled "Hoffa Found.” “All this speculation about where he is and he’s not,” Zerilli said. “They say he was in a meat grinder. It’s all baloney.”

Morgan Stanley trading exec says run for lives; Big firms raise debt funds; Yellen to talk rate hikes with congress; Man Accused Of Tossing Gator Into Wendy's Drive-Thru Window; and more.

Fed Governor: Put Cap On Big Financial Firms (WSJ) In a Philadelphia speech, Fed governor Daniel Tarullo recommended curbing banks' growth by putting a limit on their nondeposit liabilities, which are sources of funding for operations that go beyond consumer deposits. The idea takes direct aim at the biggest U.S. banks, including J.P. Morgan, Bank of America, Goldman Sachs, and Citigroup, all of which rely heavily on such funding. Firms outside of this tier make much greater use of regular deposits. With Tapes, Authorities Build Criminal Case Over JPMorgan Loss (Dealbook) Federal authorities are using taped phone conversations to build criminal cases related to the multibillion-dollar trading loss at JPMorgan Chase, focusing on calls in which employees openly discussed how to value the troubled bets in a favorable way. Investigators are looking into the actions of four people who previously worked for the team based in London responsible for the $6 billion loss, according to officials briefed on the case. The Federal Bureau of Investigation could make some arrests in the next several months, said one person who spoke on the condition of anonymity because the inquiry was ongoing. The phone recordings, which were turned over to authorities by JPMorgan, have helped focus the investigation, the officials said. Authorities are poring over thousands of conversations, in English and French. They are also relying on notes that employees took during staff meetings, instant messages circulated among traders and e-mails sent within the group. Cyber Slips Boost Facebook's Ad Clicks (NYP) Facebook is suffering from fat-finger syndrome. That’s the opinion of one influential Wall Street analyst — bolstered by a growing body of research — who believes that some of the company’s recently touted mobile ad performance can be chalked up to accidental or fraudulent clicks. “Fat fingers” — when people click on an ad as they’re trying to click on something else — is an issue across the mobile Web as users try to navigate smaller screens, according to BTIG analyst Richard Greenfield. “People don’t have trouble with a mouse or touch pads,” Greenfield said yesterday. “But on mobile, when you’re gliding through on a touch screen, everything is touchable, and a lot of mistakes are happening.” JPMorgan CFO To Exit Post (WSJ) JPMorgan's chief financial officer is expected to step down over the next two quarters and is likely to move into a different job at the bank, people close to the company say. Douglas Braunstein, 51 years old, has been finance chief at the largest U.S. bank, by assets, since 2010. Before that, the longtime deal maker ran J.P. Morgan's investment-banking operations in North and South America and was heavily involved in the bank's acquisitions of securities firm Bear Stearns Cos. and the failed banking operations of Washington Mutual. Mr. Braunstein's status was diminished as part of an executive shake-up in July. Since then, he has reported to Matt Zames, 41, the company's co-chief operating officer, rather than Chairman and Chief Executive James Dimon. It isn't clear where Mr. Braunstein will decide to go within the bank, but the possibilities include J.P. Morgan's recently combined corporate and investment bank, these people said. He is expected to make his decision over the next quarter or two. Spain Lowers Rating On S&P (WSJ) The ratings company warned Wednesday that Spain's creditworthiness might continue to deteriorate as Madrid struggles to close a yawning budget gap, and said the Spanish government's "hesitation" to request a bailout from the European Union is "potentially raising the downside risks to Spain's rating." Brazil Cuts Rate for Tenth Straight Time to Bolster Recovery (Reuters) Brazil cut its benchmark interest rate for the tenth straight time to 7.25 percent on Wednesday, injecting extra stimulus into a languid recovery threatened by a worsening global economy. TSA screener accused of intentionally slapping flier's testicles (DJ) "A bulky young TSA agent came over to pat me down," Steven DeForest told the Huffington Post. "He told me to turn around. He was using his command voice, barking orders. I told him that I wasn't comfortable turning away from my luggage, which had already been screened, and wanted to keep it in my sight." According to deForest, the screener knelt down to begin the pat-down procedure before making a shocking move. "As he raised his hands he was looking at me. Then he gave a quick flick and smacked me in one of my testicles," deForest said. The episode left deForest in a state of "humiliation, rage, and frustration," according to the report. DeForest believes the agent slapped his gentials as punishment for refusing to enter the backscatter x-ray machine. "I was deliberately assaulted by someone who knew that he could get away with it," he stated. While the motives of the TSA screener cannot be confirmed, other agents have already admitted to performing invasive pat downs in order to force air travelers to choose the body scanners instead. JPMorgan's Dimon hits back at government over Bear Stearns suit (Bloomberg) During a wide-ranging hour-long discussion that went from the "fiscal cliff" to the impact of regulations, Dimon bristled when a member of the audience asked him if he now regretted participating with the government to rescue Bear Stearns in light of the lawsuit. "We didn't participate with the Federal Reserve, OK?" he said. "Let's get this one exactly right. We were asked to do it. We did it at great risk to ourselves ... Would I have done Bear Stearns again knowing what I know today? It's real close." Dimon went on to recount how he warned a senior regulator at the time of the deal to "please take into consideration when you want to come after us down the road for something that Bear Stearns did, that JPMorgan was asked to do this by the federal government." He added that JPMorgan, which will report its third-quarter earnings on Friday, will come out fine in the end. But if he is ever put in a similar position again, he said he "wouldn't do it." "I'm a big boy. I'll survive," he said. "But I think the government should think twice before they punish business every single time things go wrong." Australians World’s Wealthiest on Housing, Credit Suisse Says (Bloomberg) Australians have the world’s highest median worth and the Asia-Pacific topped Europe as the largest wealth-holding region, according to Credit Suisse. Australians have a median wealth per adult of $193,653, the Credit Suisse global wealth report showed, the highest of 216 countries surveyed. With plentiful land, sparse population, natural resources and high home prices, Australia’s proportion of individuals with wealth above $100,000 is the most of any country and eight times the world average, the report said. USADA says Lance Armstrong's Postal Service cycling team 'ran the most sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program that sport has ever seen' (NYDN) The report describes an underground network of support staff -- smugglers, dope doctors, drug runners -- who kept Armstrong's illicit program in business. “The evidence is overwhelming that Lance Armstrong did not just use performance-enhancing drugs, he supplied them to his teammates,” USADA says of the embattled cyclist and cancer survivor. “He did not merely go alone to Dr. Michele Ferrari for doping advice, he expected that others would follow,” the report continued, referring to the physician who was banned by USADA for his role in cycling’s steroid scandal. Eleven former Armstrong teammates provided testimony against Armstrong, including respected veteran cyclist George Hincapie, whom Armstrong has described as his "best bro" in the peloton and competed with Armstrong during each of his Tour de France victories. “It was not enough that his teammates give maximum effort on the bike, he also required that they adhere to the doping program outlined for them or be replaced. He was not just part of the doping culture of his team, he enforced it and re-enforced it. Armstrong’s use of drugs was extensive, and the doping program on his team, designed in large part to benefit Armstrong, was massive and pervasive.”

Morgan Stanley FBI informant fired; Greece reform; iCar; Tech sexual harassment trial; Guy who ate 6 lbs of bacon in 5 minutes felt fine; AND MORE.

Google's new company; Greece deal; Everybody loves bacon; Angry emails; "Bra Saves German Cyclist Shot In Boar Hunting Accident"; and more.

Greece, Shaq, Fired JP Morgan Execs, Couple who fell asleep in a dumpster, AND MORE