Can't wait for the collected prison writings.

In between allegedly blowing through $700K of money he was supposed to be investing, Moazzam “Mark” Malik, the former Queens resident and current Manhattan Detention Complex tenant was crafting beautiful (and possibly fake) performance reports that made the likes of Bloomberg, BarclayHedge and Infovest21 swoon. Which is to say nothing the brilliantly-crafted investor correspondence that outdoes even the exaggerated report of his fake death sent by his (allegedly) fake (and not entirely fluent in written English) assistant, Courtney.

Investors who asked for their money back from Mr. Malik were rebuffed with email replies that ranged from affectionate (“you know that I love you”), indignant (“stop your nonsense”) and angry (“go f— yourself”), to bizarre (“I am going Deer hunting”).

“I AM CRYING, I AM A HUMAN BEING…NOT A MONEY MAKING MACHINE, I HAVE FEELINGS AND DREAMS” he emailed one investor at 10:45 p.m. in February 2014. “YEAH PUT ME IN JAIL GOOD JOB!”…

Mr. Waksman of BarclayHedge said he asked Mr. Malik for an auditor’s letter, following a tip from an investor who “said that his redemption requests had not been honored and that the manager was yelling at him.” After Mr. Malik “cursed us out and refused to provide” the letter, his fund was taken off the BarclayHedge database, Mr. Waksman said….

“You idiot f— because of you SEC has opened an investigation on me,” Mr. Malik told one investor in April 2014, according to court filings. The same investor was also sent an email with a clip from a werewolf movie, headed “that’s what I think I am.”

Would-Be Financial Whiz Is Charged With Stealing From Investors [WSJ]