$$$ JPMorgan Misled Investors, Dodged Regulators, Senate Report Says [Bloomberg] $$$ Regulators Question Goldman and JPMorgan’s Capital Plans [DealBook] $$$ E*Trade Loses Largest Shareholder as Citadel Sells Out [Deal Journal] $$$ Credit Suisse to pay $400 million to end U.S. bond lawsuits [Reuters] $$$ The Return of the Popped Collar [WSJ] $$$ Genworth financial is looking for a Director, Corporate Trading in Stamford [DBCC] $$$ Reuters editor indicted for helping Anonymous hack websites [AP] $$$ Bankruptcy Lawyer Is Named to Manage an Ailing Detroit [NYT] $$$ Almost there, S&P! [WSJ] $$$ Goldman Sachs is (probably) reminding people of how everyone forgot about Greg Smith [DI]

George Soros is firing people, the marijuana industry wants its own bank, an angry owl is "terrorizing joggers," AND MORE.

$$$ Bank Earnings: J.P. Morgan and Wells Fargo Preview [Deal Journal] $$$ JPMorgan Analysts Say Big Investment Banks Are ‘Uninvestable’ [Bloomberg] $$$ The state of investment banking today: Morgan Stanley’s definitive guide [eFC] $$$ To trade or not to trade, when the Fed sends you inside info [Reuters] $$$ How Do You Run Goldman Sachs Out of Town? [DI] $$$ The Winklevii have a lot of bitcoins [DealBook] $$$ Top Bankers Agree with Obama: Recovery Coming [FBN] $$$ Lisbon struggles to avoid second bailout [FT] $$$ Singer Denial Failing to Quell Win-Win Charge: Argentina Credit [Bloomberg] $$$ A New Look at the Role of Sovereign Credit Default Swaps [IMF] $$$ UBS cap intro chief Rob Sachs jumps to Bank of America [HFI] $$$ Man Tries to Saw Off His Arms at California Home Depot [ABC]

Credit Suisse stock sale; Twitter layoffs; Most expensive Cubs tickets ever; Dov Charney still haunts American Apparel; "Bunny Ranch brothel to offer student debt relief"; and more.

Greece still getting no love from Germany; Alibaba not TBTF; "Man Fleeing Assault Charges Foiled By Own Selfie"; AND MORE.

$$$ Tables turn on Spain with pressure to seek bailout [Reuters] $$$ Maybe David Viniar will be Goldman's chairman when Lloyd retires and Gary is CEO? [WSJ] $$$ "The study found that for a sample of modifications to securitized subprime mortgages, a 10 percent reduction in the monthly payment was associated with a 4.5 percentage point reduction in the twelve-month redefault rate." [New York Fed] $$$ "If Apple continues on its current trajectory, something remarkable might happen on April 9, 2015, at around 11 a.m. That is, statisticians and investors I've spoken with say, a conservative estimate of when Apple could become the first company ever to be valued at $1 trillion." [NYT!] $$$ Welcome to the world Quartz! [Qz] $$$ "To call the Berenstains anthropomorphized bears insults both humans and bears." [NetNet / John Carney] $$$ Credit Suisse is looking for a research analyst for commodity strategies in asset management in New York [DBCC] $$$ U.S. Corporate Bond Tally Could Top $100 Billion in September [WSJ] $$$ Meredith Whitney is still pretty sure banks will fire a lot of people [CNBC] $$$ William Cohan confuses himself horribly about Whaledemort [Bloomberg] $$$ Mario Batali is paying $1.15mm to Del Posto employees to settle a lawsuit over wages, tips, overtime and discrimination [Diner's Journal] $$$ Hillary Clinton Aide Tells Reporter To “Fuck Off” And “Have A Good Life” [BF] $$$ Mitt Romney Doesn’t Get Why Airplane Windows Don’t Open [DI]

$$$ Behind Credit Default Swaps Market, a Cartel Left Open to Collusion [Dealbook] $$$ Jim Chanos: Hewlett Packard Is 'Ultimate Value Trap' [CNBC] $$$ Ackman Takes Activist Stance on P&G [CNBC] $$$ Goldman CEO Blankfein Said To Meet With Obama Adviser Lew [Bloomberg] $$$ Racketeering Charges Filed in Hedge Fund Divorce [NYO] $$$ Banker Tattoos [BuzzFeed] $$$ ...every so often, Ackman and his wife whirl through their Rolodexes and invite their unattached friends to come on over to their place and spend a few hours meeting other singles. In this day and age of internet dating, the Ackmans like to give that stressful process a personal touch. And last night was one of those nights when the man who runs $10 billion Pershing Square Capital Management and his wife Karen, who trained as a landscape architect, threw open the doors and hoped for the best. While no officials statistics have been kept, people who have attended the events say plenty of people have found their mates here. At this week’s event? Roughly 200 people attended, according to someone who was there. [Reuters, earlier] $$$ "Dozens of traffic signs have been destroyed by prostitutes performing pole-dances in the street to attract clients, officials in New Zealand's biggest city have revealed." [Telegraph] $$$ Charlie Gasparino: U.S. Insider Trading Investigation Winding Down (Maybe) [FBN] $$$ Ex-JPMorgan Banker Admits Role in Muni Bid-Rigging Scheme [Reuters] $$$ Paulson, Rubin Warn on Dangers of 'Fiscal Cliff' [CNBC] $$$ WWII Shipwreck Yields $38 Million of Silver From Atlantic [Bloomberg] $$$ High school kid accused of running in a potential $3 million marijuana ring. [CP]

New Credit Suisse CEO has work cut out for him; Dougan leaving CS good for DB CEO?; "Beware of Apple bond sales" ; $85k in mozzarella goes missing; AND MORE.