Area Bank Will Keep It In Its Pants, Says CEO

Just because it's Spring doesn't mean New York Community Bancorp is going to f*ck every bank it sees.

Hey baby, Spring has sprung. The sun is out, the sweaters are off, and everyone's feeling seasonally horny. Well, almost everyone.

Despite the weather, the pollen, and the $120 million in first quarter earnings for 2015, the head honchos over at New York Community Bancorp are committed to taming the beast in their collective slacks.

Speaking to analysts during his bank's Q1 earnings call yesterday, NYCB's president and CEO Joseph Ficalora was very clear that he and his guys are going to scale back on their fulsome libidos so as not to cross the $50 billion in assets mark and thrust into CCAR territory.

"There are no accidents here. We are managing this well because we understand fully how to do that" Ficalora said, his voice warming to the allegory blossoming in his head. "There will be no unexpected pregnancy."

Pregnancy? Damn, Joey Fix, that's part of life. How are you going to prevent that from happening?

"We're just not having sex, to be clear," Ficolora said, clarifying.

Oh. Well. That'll do it.

So apologies to all those pretty little community banks that are looking to get knocked up by some older, richer bank this Spring. At least one of your targets is going to be busy mastering its own domain.

Which financial exec is swearing off sex? [Crain's]