Bill Gross's Latest Letter To Investors Laments Failed Attempts To 'Get A Girl Into The Backseat Of A Car'

Gather 'round for story time with Uncle Bill.

On its face, Bill Gross's April Investment Outlook, titled "March Madness," is about basketball. Gross was something of a high school hoops star and later tried out for the squad as a freshman at Duke. Really, though, it's about hopes, dreams, and failed sexual attempts. In Gross's case, the hope and the dream was to engage in some heavy petting in the back of what we assume was a Ford Falcon.

Being somewhat of a high school star, I decided to try out for the taxi squad on the freshman team. Duke that year was well stacked with three future All Americans and NBA players but they needed some competition in practice and I was a prospective servant for the greater cause – not Duke – but my chance to show off and eventually get a girl into the backseat of a car for the first time in my life. Neither came to pass as I was cut during the first tryout session and cut frequently as well on second and third dates in parking lots behind the sorority houses.

Stay tuned for May's letter to investors, in which Gross gives a detailed account of his first successful sexual encounter.

March Madness [Janus]

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