If You're The CEO Of A Major Company, It Pays To Say "I Will Not Act On That Urge To Organize A Boys Night Involving Hookers, Blow, Women's Clothing, N*pple Clamps, And Vanilla Crème Flavored Peeps, As Much As I Want To"

Or you could go for it and destroy shareholder value.

Is your title chief executive officer? Are you thinking of (circle all that apply:) Cheating on your spouse; engaging with pay-to-play lays; doing enough drugs that Hunter S. Thompson would say "Whoa man, take it easy"; lying about using petty cash to retile your bathroom; slipping the guacamole girl at Chipotle your card and asking her if she wants a ride home on the private jet when her shift is over; spending the entirety of the company retreat holed up in your hotel room with a coterie of furries; running a methlab out of your executive washroom; sending your corporate bio to escort services as a way of saying "Hey, I'm legit"; using money earmarked for staff bonuses to fly in Prince for your wife's 50th; making Ike Turner look like a good husband; sending photos to your comptroller while wearing an Alex Trebek mask and nothing else?

If you said yes to any of the above and also care about your company's bottom line you should probably consider not crossing that bridge.

CEOs guilty of sexual misadventure, substance abuse, violence, and dishonesty are responsible for massive destruction in stockholder value, according to new research. A study by Professor Brandon Cline of Mississippi State University, with co-authors Ralph Walkling (Drexel University) and Adam Yore (Northern Illinois University), shows that companies experience an average shareholder loss of $226 million in the three days after the announcement of a CEO indiscretion. “The evidence shows,” said Cline in an interview with Fortune, “that activities of violence, substance abuse, dishonesty, and sexual misadventure in personal lives translates into damage to companies.” [...] Knee jerk reactions to the announcement of an extramarital affair or lying about qualifications would seem obvious, and an immediate damage to a company’s stock price is almost inevitable. But the damage lasts longer. Indiscretions are not just associated with short-term stock price damage. Stock prices at companies that suffered from CEO mess-ups fell in total by between 11% and 14% over the subsequent 12 months.

You're stronger than those military grade handcuffs and Christian Louboutins.

Sex, lies, and CEOs: The hefty price of executive indiscretions [Fortune]


What To Do (Or Not Do) Upon Waking Up In A Car "Driving Through A House," Part II

Back in May, we had a frank discussion about drinking with colleagues and/or clients after work. Specifically, how many drinks one should put away in order to have a good time but not cross any unfortunate lines. At the time, we used a young lady named Sophia Anderson as our guide and said that, assuming you have the tolerance of a 21 year-old female and considered being arrested post-Happy Hour for driving your through a stranger's house one of those lines, no more than a dozen beverages should be consumed, with fourteen being the absolute max. Today we have just a quick update, to those for whom it bears mentioning, that if you're going to ignore said guidelines and have that fifteenth cocktail shortly before accepting a ride home from an equally sloshed coworker who confuses someone's front lawn/foyer/kitchen/backyard patio with the road, you should probably not agree to lie to the police and say you were the one driving. Not even if you're secretly in love with him or her; not even if he or she promises to take take you on vacation after all of this blows over; not even if you were passed out the whole ride and a bit disoriented after "[waking] up as the incident occurred and the car drove through the house." The sneaky punk who conned his drunk and coked-up girlfriend into taking the DWI rap for crashing through, and trashing, a Long Island home in his mom’s Mercedes convertible, was finally charged today with the May 28 crash and ordered held without bail. Suffolk DA Tom Spota said Dan Sajewski, 23, tricked Sophia Anderson, 21, into telling cops that she was behind the wheel when he crashed through the Huntington home of a 96-year-old woman – taking a 30-foot tree with him from the front to the back yard. Spota said the incredible demolition derby was the end result of a night of boozing and cocaine snorting at the $1.7 million mansion of Sajewski’s parents in exclusive Lloyd Harbor – when Sajewski and Anderson took a high speed joyride for more beer. ``We know what really happened that day,’’ said Spota at a press conference after the court session. He said the couple, along with three pals, were doing shots of Jack Daniels and snorting coke at Sajewski’s doctor dad’s home until 4 a.m. The crash occurred during a trip for more Heineken beer, while Sajewski was driving, said Spota. He said Anderson was passed out in the passenger seat and ``told us she wakes up as the incident is occurring and they were driving through the house.’’ Spota said Anderson ``was in love with him’’ and agreed to take the rap, after he promised to pay her bail and legal bills – and take her on a vacation. He broke his word and she revealed it was all a lie. The DA said that when an x-ray technician at the hospital told her she could not have been the driver because of her injuries, Anderson told him ``it’s a little too late for that.’’ LI punk held without bail for May 28 crash that destroyed elderly woman's home [NYP via DI] Earlier: Area Drunk Offers Handy How To Guide Re: Not Being Labeled “That Guy (Who Uses The Front Door Of A House As A Garage Door)” At The Office