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After Exhaustive Research, Goldman Sachs Concludes Millennials Are A Bunch Of Assh*les

We're almost entirely sure this study did not include Gary Cohn wearing the Deadmau5 helmet.

Like any benign organization looking to engage with a certain group of people that it only vaguely understands, Goldman Sachs has been statistically researching everyone between the ages of 15 and 35.


Now Goldman is sharing the findings and it turns out the most populous generation in the American economy is a bunch of indebted, entitled navel-gazers that won't look up from a screen unless they're breeding.

The Millennial generation is the largest in US history and as they reach their prime working and spending years, their impact on the economy is going to be huge.

Yeah it is.

According to Goldman, there are 92 million millennials running around out there, a number that dwarfs the slacker mistakes of Generation X and the rapidly declining population of Baby Boomers. But it stands to reason that millennials might not even notice their growing stranglehold on the economy since they are constantly engaged with video games, social media and internet TV.

Millennials have come of age during a time of technological change, globalization and economic disruption. That’s given them a different set of behaviors and experiences than their parents.

One experience that they definitely don't share with the 'rents is an adulthood shaped by crushing student debt.

Per Goldman's study, the mean student loan balance for a 25-year-old was $10,649. By 2013, that number had almost doubled to $20,926.

Shockingly, that has left a much higher percentage of millennials to play their video games and work their social media machines from their moms' basement. In 1990, just over a quarter of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 lived at home. In 2010, almost a third did.

Millennials are also apparently way less interested in buying a TV, car or house than Xers or Boomers. Maybe because they owe a lot of money and there isn't enough space for their new stuff in their childhood bedrooms.

Millennials are also getting married later in life, a fact that Goldman seems too polite to mention is probably a result of everyone being broke, living with their parents and scratching their "itches" through Facebook and Tinder.

Which leads us to another fun fact about Millennials; when they do want something, they want it yesterday.

They’re also the first generation of digital natives, and their affinity for technology helps shape how they shop. They are used to instant access to price comparisons, product information and peer reviews.

But there is good news.

[T]hey are dedicated to wellness, devoting time and money to exercising and eating right. Their active lifestyle influences trends in everything from food and drink to fashion.

Millennials are going to live forever thanks to their repudiation of the tobacco industry and more universally teetotaling approach to life. And this is extra good news considering that they'll have a lot more time to pay those enormous debts and at least consider getting married.

So, there's a little peek at Young America courtesy of the sweet folks over at GS.

Now let's monetize this bunch of cellar-dwelling debtors with an addiction to our internet culture of instant gratification. They're clearly not going to do it themselves.



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