Bank CEO: Wall Street Is High School And Banks Are An Unbangable Mess

You guys are so gonna be so sorry when their loan portfolios develop to maturity...
Updated:
Original:

Wall Street High is like every other secondary school in America. You've got your sportos, your motorheads, your geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads, etc.

But at Wall Street High, the pecking order is even more obvious. Just ask U.S. Bancorp CEO Richard Davis about what it's like to be a hot mess bank these days in the social jungle of finance.

“It’s like a teenager with bad pimples and bad hair,” Davis said Thursday during an investor conference in New York. “In a couple of years they will be really attractive. Hang with us, keep dating us, we’ll come around.”

So if banks are the acned and brace-faced tween with inner beauty standing in mortal fear against her locker, are investment banks the supremely overconfident sophomore with his own car?

And following that logic, venture capitalists must be the unathletic junior who collects all the money for the keg parties but always ends up pocketing a little more for himself than everyone thinks is cool.

Obviously, hedge funds are still the weirdly ripped senior who's always close-talking your mom in the parking lot during pick-up.

Banks Are Like Pimpled Teens and Still Worth Dating, Davis Says [Bloomberg]

Related

Johnflannery.Disaster

Even Deutsche Bank Thinks GE Is A Hot Mess

Guys who work for John Cryan can't believe how bad things are for General Electric.

Millennials to Wall Street: Cute Bank Branch...Dad

Oh, you're too cool to enjoy the interplay with a bank teller now?!?!

By World Economic Forum (Flickr: The Global Financial Context: James Dimon) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Roger Altman Thinks It's High Time That Everybody Stop Picking On Poor Tiny Deutsche Bank

Deutsche Bank is basically a fancy European credit union, you guys.

Photo: Getty Images.

Despite Reports, Credit Suisse Is Not Done With Its Sticky Intern-Touching Mess

This is what happens when you try to steal another man's story, Bloomberg.

Dodd-Frank At Five: Everybody Hates Wall Street

Turns out that everyone is confused and/or lying when it comes to Dodd-Frank.