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Carly Fiorina Hoping That Running For President Will Break This Career Slump

She can't hold a CEO job or win a Senate seat, so the only real option left is the White House.

It's been a pretty rough decade career-wise for Carly Fiorina.

The former Hewlett Packard CEO has spent most of the past ten years either trying to retroactively reframe her disastrous tenure in that gig or getting trounced in Senate races while running ads about demonic sheep.

But Carly Fiorina is a fighter (just ask her), and she will not allow this rough patch to persist, so she's running for president.

“Yes, I am running for president,” the former Hewlett-Packard CEO said during a Monday morning interview on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “I think I’m the best person for the job because I understand how the economy actually works. I understand the world, who’s in it, how the world works.”

She gets it, you guys.

But does she? Let's parse this out.

Fiorina, who was once described as the "anti-Steve Jobs," was forced out of HP by the board in 2005 after doing things like acquiring HP rival Compaq and laying off 30,000 HP employees. In fact, almost every decision that Fiorina made seemed to irk Wall Street, and HP's stock dropped by more than 40% during her tenure.

Under Carly Fiorina's watch, HP's stock price (adjusted for dividends, etc. to today's price) went from $39.75 in 1999 to $23.32 the day she was fired in 2005. 

Okay, so the idea of Fiorina as vaunted economic mind is..."flawed." But what about her claims to be a global thinker?

Well, when it comes to the globe itself, Fiorina has claimed that California's historic and crippling drought is the fault of liberals. But beyond hard science, Fiorina is basically like Secretary of State-level versed in geopolitics.

"You know, I have traveled around the world like Hillary Clinton, hundreds of thousands of miles. I know many of the world leaders on the stage today, including many, many in the Middle East. I served on the Defense Business Board, so I know the Defense Department. I served as the chairman of the Advisory Board for the Central Intelligence Agency. Let me tell you one thing that’s absolutely critical. We must have the strongest military on the face of the planet, and everyone has to know it.

And Fiorina clearly knows who's in the world. After all, she has been an outspoken defender and practitioner of outsourcing. Hey, you don't cut 30,000 jobs from one company without getting creative.

By the way, if you want to know what 30,000 lost jobs look like, someone has taken the time to visually represent them over at If only Carly had known a savvy tech executive to help her register all the web domains associated with her name.

Fiorina is also a veteran campaigner. She played a visible role in John McCain's failed 2008 bid and lost her own campaign for a California seat to Barbara Boxer by more than ten percentage points.

Basically, Carly Fiorina knows a lot of stuff. And one thing that she seems to know more certainly than anything else is that she wants your vote, America, because Carly Fiorina really needs a job.


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