$$$ Schaeuble Declares Markets Wrong As Europe Heads To Vacation [Bloomberg] $$$ Don't Force Banks Into 'Draconian' Breakups: Whitney [CNBC] $$$ Morgan Stanley Stock May Be Worth $32 In Breakup, Mayo Says [Bloomberg] $$$ The Merkley plan to refinance underwater mortgages sounds pretty good [Reuters / Felix Salmon] $$$ Outspoken Analyst Kinnucan Pleads Guilty in Insider Case [WSJ] $$$ Man who rescued a 17-pound lobster "felt the nearly 100-year-old crustacean did not deserve to die with its parts soaked in butter. 'If he was 100, he saw World War I, World War II, man on the moon,' he said. 'Being in New England, he even saw the Red Sox win the World Series. So, he didn’t deserve the boiling water.'" [CBS] $$$ Due to recent regulatory requirements, a top bank in Charlotte is looking for a counterparty credit risk manager to be a Basel expert [DBCC] $$$ Libor scandal makes it more costly for bankers to get insured [Reuters] $$$ Europe Aims to Make Rate Manipulation a Criminal Offense [DealBook] $$$ Fund managers to lose securities lending profits [FT] $$$ The Securities and Exchange Commission drew sharp criticism from a federal judge who said they have failed to properly oversee a $55 million investor education fund created by a nearly decade-old settlement with Wall Street banks. The fund had been created as part of a roughly $1.5 billion regulatory accord in 2003 with Citigroup Inc, Goldman Sachs Group Inc, JPMorgan Chase & Co and other banks accused of publishing biased analyst research. U.S. District Judge William Pauley in Manhattan said the SEC has shown a "lack of oversight" and "indifference" toward how a nonprofit organization charged with distributing the money has been managed. ... Pauley pointed as an example to a two-year, $91,500 grant to the Genesee District Library in Flint, Michigan, that appeared to have resulted in just two events, one of which concerned "spending, sharing, and saving" for children ages two to five. "While there may be benefits to starting investor education early, toddlers seem beyond the pale," the judge wrote in an order issued Wednesday. [Reuters] $$$ Mitt Romney would restore 'Anglo-Saxon' relations between Britain and America [Telegraph]

$$$ BP to Plead Guilty to Felonies, Pay $4.5 Billion in Spill [WSJ] $$$ Eurozone slides back into recession [FT] $$$ House panel suggests SEC-CFTC merger after MF Global [Reuters] $$$ "With their boozy client dinners, big bonuses and foul-mouthed traders, interdealer brokers are stalwarts of a financial order that is in retreat." [Economist] $$$ John Carney went to a bar [NetNet] $$$ Henry Blodget: Why do some people hate women? [Gawker, earlier, earlier] $$$ William Blair is looking for a private capital associate in Chicago [DBCC] $$$ In a Switch, Investors Are Buying European Bank Bonds [DealBook] $$$ Fed Orders Largest Banks to Test Against Deep U.S. Recession [Bloomberg] $$$ SEC Report Finds Faults With Credit Raters [WSJ] $$$ Soccer no excuse for outdoor sex, Italy court rules [Reuters via Amy Tennery] $$$ Maine GOP chairman "play[s] basketball every Sunday with a black guy" [DI]

$$$ Nobel Peace Prize for European Union, Mired in Crisis [NYT] $$$ JPMorgan cuts banker pay, a sign of more frugal times on Wall St [Reuters] $$$ Goldman Ex-Programmer Asks Court to Throw Out Charges [WSJ] $$$ Workday Soars 74% in Debut [DealBook] $$$ My Employees 'Filled With Anxieties These Days': Wynn [CNBC] $$$ Secret Service agent arrested in Miami after passing out drunk on a sidewalk [NYDN] $$$ French towns launch debt strike over "toxic" Dexia loans [Reuters] $$$ Repealing Deductions Pays for 4% Tax Cuts, Study Says [Bloomberg] $$$ RBS Says Santander Drops 1.7 Billion-Pound Purchase [Bloomberg] $$$ Wyclef Jean's charity in Haiti allegedly isn't so great, though his watch collection is [NYT] $$$ Gawker gives (excellent) investing advice [Gawker]

Treasury chiefs love "Hamilton"; Oil gains; Hedge fund losses; UBS fine; Icahn's new stake; "Drunk Man, 32, Arrested After Telling Police His Name Was 'Kris Kringle'"; and more.

$$$ Hedge funds would prefer it if banks would warehouse more tail risk and charge less for it [DealBook, earlier] $$$ But corporate debt issuers don't have much to complain about re: Volcker [DealBook, earlier] $$$ IMF secures $430bn to boost firepower [FT] $$$ How Much Money You Need To Realistically Recreate The Scrooge McDuck ‘Gold Coin Swim’ [The Billfold, alternate view, neither is persuasive] $$$ How would you like to be a high frequency trading quant in Chicago? [DBCC] $$$ Investigators said the 18-, 20- and 21-year-old suspects, whose names weren't released, broke into the Sea World in Main Beach on Queensland's Gold Coast after it closed Saturday, swam in the dolphin enclosure and made off with Dirk, a 7-year-old fairy penguin, The Australian Eye reported Friday. Police said the penguin was recovered, tired but unharmed, after a couple saw him in a shallow estuary Sunday. ... [T]he penguin appeared to have been chased out of the water by an animal that may have been a shark and was then chased on land by a dog. [UPI] $$$ France: Where Freemasons Are Still Feared [BW] $$$ But why would you fire even one person by email? [BW] $$$ Rapper 50 Cent converted into Malaysian currency [Language Log] $$$ Romney Says He’s Never Eaten Anything Unusual [DI] $$$ Biz Markie Is an ‘Avid’ Barbie Collector, Possible Hoarder [Gawker] $$$ John Carney met a girl who can match spreadsheet guy at color-coding; "dark orange means, in her words, 'obviously we b**ged.'" [NetNet, earlier]

$$$ Morgan Stanley wants all of Citi venture [Reuters] $$$ NYSE CEO Duncan Niederauer is not above gloating about BATS [CNBC via BI] $$$ Fannie and Freddie: Slashing Mortgages Is Good Business [ProPublica] $$$ Proposed names for Disney's Seven Dwarfs included Burpy, Hotsy, Shifty, Wistful, Doleful, Woeful, and Biggo-Ego [Lists of Note] $$$ JPMorgan is looking for a credit risk manager to cover banks and broker-dealers [DBCC] $$$ SEC demands Wells Fargo comply with subpoenas [Reuters] $$$ Lehman Ex-Broker Sentenced in Insider Case [WSJ] $$$ Ex-NBA Player Indicted on Ponzi Charges [WSJ] $$$ About forty people got out of their cars along Interstate 270 in Maryland and helped themselves to $5,795 in cash that fell out of an unsecured armored truck. ... Police are offering amnesty to anyone who returns the cash, but only $100 has been handed over so far. Heather Kelly described the scene on 270 to the AP: “It was in the traffic lanes and on the shoulders and just generally kind of like a snow globe of cash." [DI] $$$ Lacrosse players say the sport rewards the kind of determination required to do well on Wall Street. “By and large, lacrosse players aren’t necessarily the best athletes in the country,” says Joe Lizzio, a former Cornell player and co-founder of CapRok Capital. “We don’t have huge vertical leaps or run the 40 [meter dash] in 4.4 seconds.” The best lacrosse players “are smart kids that put in the long hours,” adds Cummings. “The same goes for finance, where you’re going to do well if you can outwork the other guy.” Another common attribute of lacrosse players is the kind of privileged upbringing that might have led them to banking careers even if they had never touched a stick. [BW]

$$$ Fed Seen Starting QE3 While Extending Rate Pledge to 2015 [Bloomberg] $$$ There's a new iPhone [NYT] $$$ EADS and BAE in tie-up talks [FT] $$$ Investors Ready for Wave of European Corporate Bonds [WSJ] $$$ Valiant Capital founder Chris Hansen is offering to buy a beer for everyone in Seattle [AR] $$$ JFK airport workers were arrested for stealing "tens of thousands of mini-bottles of liquor and duty-free merchandise from JFK International Airport" after an investigation called "Operation Last Call" [Fox] $$$ BlackRock's Beta Strategies team is looking for a portfolio manager [DBCC] $$$ J.P. Morgan Reorganizes Investment Banking [WSJ] $$$ Barclays Picks New Head of U.S. Rates Trading [WSJ] $$$ From Credit Suisse to Jerky: One Man's Dried Beef Odyssey [BW] $$$ Everyone involved in the Harvard cheating scandal is suing everybody else [IvyGate] $$$ "Police in Florida said a man using a credit card to buy beer was arrested after the bartender recognized the credit card as his own." [UPI]

Feds signal June increase is on the table; Wells Fargo cuts Valeant; Woman Robbed Bank While Babysitting Kids, Police Say; and more.