Millennials to Wall Street: Cute Bank Branch...Dad

Oh, you're too cool to enjoy the interplay with a bank teller now?!?!

Remember how millennials hate everything that used to be considered normal?

Well, we can add the good old American banking experience to the list of things that the youths are ruining for everyone.

Big banks are rolling out futuristic branches to keep up with the technology cutting-edge, but according to financial technology experts, it's a major waste of time and money. Within a decade the retail bank branch model will be dead.

So, even with cool lighting, screens of all shape and sizes and enough frosted glass to make Steve Cohen let his hair down, millennials are still refusing to deal with human bank tellers and experience the shared joy of consumer banking?

There's just no pleasing these assholes.

Brett King, founder of mobile banking app Moven, said the banking industry will experience more disruption in the next 10 years than in the previous 300 years.
"Bank tellers will be the telegraph operators of 21st century when we look back in 100 years, the most-impacted job," King said. "This will hurt."

It will definitely hurt in terms of layoffs, sure, but the biggest banks are poised to save millions upon millions on real estate expenses if twenty-somethings who just need a couch and an iPhone to do their "banking" get their way.

In New York City, where prime commercial real estate rents can go for more than $60 a square foot, bank branches are seemingly everywhere. Don't take our word for it, take Crain's New York's...

In just the first dozen years of the millennium, the number of bank branches in the five boroughs increased by 45%, to 1,761, according to Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. data.

If those branches suddenly became obsolete in a world of sharing economy hipster finance, it would create a lot of potential savings for the Jamie Dimons of the world.

And speaking of Jamie, he's already making moves to anticipate the end of "dad bod banking."

JPMorgan Chase & Co. is eliminating voice mail for consumer-bank employees as part of a push by the biggest U.S. lender to trim $2 billion in annual expenses.

And since the next generation is looking to make their bank deposits at a place with Flat Whites rather than at a teller window, JPMorgan knows just where to find that extra cheddar.

The lender, with 135,908 workers in its retail division, is reviewing ways to save money by cutting staff at branches and nudging customers to automated channels.

At this pace, big banks looking to host new customers are better off looking to acquire wifi-enabled Chipotle franchises rather than smaller banks and their branch networks.

Or, a visionary like Brian Moynihan could really embrace change by saying "F*ck it! Let's just throw some ATMs in a few Airbnbs and be done with it."

Retail bank branch is doomed, and banks don't know it [CNBC]

JPMorgan Kills Voice Mail [Bloomberg]