New York City-based contractor and noted marriage enthusiast, Donald John Trump, is the latest official Republican candidate for President.
He gave a speech making his candidacy official today - and we say "speech" because "extemporaneous hour-long rant" seems rude - in which he said stuff like this:
Upon taking the podium and looking at the crowd: "Woah. That is some group of people. Thousands!" [ed note: There were maybe a few hundred people.]
On China: "I beat China all the time."
On Japan: "When is the last time we beat Japan at anything?"
On Mexico: "They are not our friend, believe me. They are killing us economically."
On immigration: "When Mexico sends their people, they're not sending their best... They're sending people with lots of problems... They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime. They are rapists."
On ISIS: "I'm in competition with them. They just built a hotel in Syria, can you believe this?" [ed note: Trump was also upset that ISIS did not pay interest on the construction]
On Obamacare: "You have to get hit by a tractor to use it"
More On Obamacare: "Five. Billion. Dollar. Website... I have so many websites - I have them all over the place - I hire people, it costs me three dollars."
On golf: "I have the best courses in the world... In fact I have one right next to The White House." [ed note: Trump National Golf Club is roughly 25 miles northwest of the White House.]
On money: "I'm really rich"
More on his money: "I have a net worth a total net worth of eight billion seven hundred and thirty seven million five hundred and forty thousand dollars." [ed note: The statement released to prove this number was based on financial data that was a year old... and used a bunch of accounting vagaries.]
On his personality: "I am a nice person? People that know me like me. Does my family like me? I think so."
On perception of his personality: "This person said to me, "But Mr. Trump, you're not a nice person.""
On what America needs: "We need a leader that wrote The Art of the Deal."
On his future: "Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially running for President of the United States."
On a Trump Presidency: "I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created."
On what a Trump Presidency means for Mexicans: "I will build a great wall - and nobody builds walls better than me - and I will have Mexicans pay for the wall."
So Donald Trump - a man who has publicly decried alcohol as poisonous yet sells his own brand of Vodka - wants to be president.