Skip to main content

Bloomberg Can't Believe Ashley Madison Users Were So Stupid

Consult this How To Guide the next time you decide to embark on a philandering journey via the internet.
  • Author:
  • Updated:

As you may have heard, earlier today cheating facilitation website Ashley Madison announced that it had been hacked, a security breach that has put its 37 million users at risk. When regular old websites are victimized by hackers-- like say, Target-- and personal information about individuals who frequent the site is stolen, people naturally get upset. In this particular case, it's slightly more alarming to those affected, because in addition to names, addresses, credit card numbers, predilections for being punched in the face while orgasming1 and all that jazz, the fact that, y'know, they're running around on their spouses is also at risk of being revealed. As of this afternoon, no one is more upset about the matter than Bloomberg, which can't believe AshMad members acted like such god damn amateurs.

AshleyMadison boasts on its homepage that it is has more than 37.6 million anonymous members. It also touts that it is the leading dating service for "discreet" sexual encounters for married people. Yet while it offers methods for paying fees anonymously, many people apparently didn't use them.

Next time, act like you've done this before.

Of course, a few basic tricks make it possible to assure at least a modicum of anonymity transacting online. For those seriously concerned about online privacy—such as human rights activists, whistleblowers, and journalists—such tools as prepaid debit cards, encrypted e-mail, and anonymous browsing technologies are the coin of the realm. Many philanderers using AshleyMadison's services, who presumably took extraordinary steps to hide affairs from their partners, appear to have missed that memo.

Any question?

The Biggest Mistake AshleyMadison Customers Made: Using Their Credit Cards [Bloomberg]

1. ...those responsible are threatening to expose data that include payment information linked to painfully sensitive details from users' profiles. Those profiles contain the findings of an extensive survey given to new AshleyMadison users asking them to outline their reasons for being on the site and their most secret sexual fantasies.


Ashley Madison: Business Is Friggin' BOOMING

How dare anyone suggest otherwise.

Media Analyst Wouldn't F*ck The Ashley Madison IPO With Your Dick

Apparently everyone is suddenly too good to associate with the site. And when they're passing up fees, you know it's serious.

Ashley Madison CEO Decides His Work Here Is Done

Noel Biderman is gonna take off now.

Don't Ask Ashley Madison About Its IPO Plans

The website doesn't want to talk about it.

It Doesn't Take Much To Brighten A Bloomberg Employee's Day

Even your and Alan Greespan's inability to master the terminal's most terribly elementary functions will do.

UBS Concerned With The Company Some Of Its Employees Keep

The following is a (not at all comprehensive) list of things that UBS could legitimately be embarrassed about: - Losing so much money that a rogue trader's $2billion loss barely registered above 'meh' on the Do We Care scale - Awarding 4-figure bonuses to managing directors - Employing a guy who "implored bankers to make a more concerted effort to streamline the firm and likened the strategy to slashing expenses like a 'Jewish shopkeeper'" - Having their entire healthcare team decide Jeffereies is a better place to work - Being scammed by a bunch of ops guys - Pulling a reverse Field of Dreams and spending all the money it didn't have to build a 103,000-square-foot trading floor, in a 700,000-square-foot building, that no one wants to work on - Getting no respect from the people of Stamford, who'd prefer "a nice big Costco" move into the space - Having to distribute a step-by-step guide re: how to tie a tie And yet, rather than feel some measure of humiliation about, for instance, the PowerPoint admission that their grown men employees don't know how to dress themselves or taking the time to send out a memo that reads "Subject: Hey, Body: Stop losing so much fucking money!", the bank's execs are going with this: ...Robert Wolf, a top UBS executive in New York, is among President Obama’s leading fund-raisers, building more than $500,000 for his re-election so far this year. A regular presence at big campaign fund-raisers, Mr. Wolf, who is 50, golfs and vacations with Mr. Obama and is known for e-mailing friends photos of himself with the president. While such a close relationship might have been envied by other bankers in 2008, when much of Wall Street was infatuated with Mr. Obama and donated heavily to his presidential bid, it has been making other UBS executives uneasy of late...With media reports pointing out that one of the bank’s top executives is also one of the Obama campaign’s top bundlers — a word that one UBS executive said “makes people’s hair stand on end” inside the bank — the Swiss banking giant has decided to take an unusual step. The bank’s powerful group executive board in Zurich recently presented Mr. Wolf with an edict directing him to report all his media inquiries to the firm’s press office. Since then, most of the requests to speak to Mr. Wolf have been rejected, according to people briefed on the situation, resulting in a much dimmer limelight for Mr. Wolf...“You will clear any and all communications with the press as far in advance as possible,” the directive to Mr. Wolf read. “With respect to activities outside UBS you will, on a best-efforts basis, keep corporate communications informed.” Bosses Reign In Banker Who Golfs With Obama [Dealbook]