Opening Bell: 7.14.15

JP Morgan; Wells Fargo; Greece; Gundlach; "Man Stole Operating Room Surgical Table"; and more.
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J.P. Morgan’s Profit Rises; Results Beat Expectations (WSJ)
The largest U.S. bank by assets reported a profit of $6.29 billion, or $1.54 a share. That compares with a profit of $5.98 billion, or $1.46 a share, in the same period of 2014. Analysts polled by Thomson Reuters had expected earnings of $1.44 a share. Revenue fell 3.2% to $24.53 billion. Analysts had expected $24.49 billion.

Wells Fargo’s Earnings Slip in Second Quarter (Dealbook)
The San Francisco-based bank said its second-quarter profit fell to $5.72 billion from $5.73 billion a year earlier. On an earnings per share basis, the bank’s profits rose to $1.03 up from $1.01 a year ago. That was in line with a consensus of analysts’ estimates of $1.03 a share, according to Thomson Reuters. But Wells’ revenue of $21.3 billion came in 1.8 percent lower than the $21.7 billion that analysts had expected. The middling results from Wells reflect the challenges facing big banks today.

Tsipras Enters Parliament Den to Sell Aid Deal to Greeks (Bloomberg)
With all 18 fellow euro-area governments looking on, Tsipras is set to submit a bill to parliament on Tuesday containing sales-tax increases and pension cuts that go against his own Syriza party’s pledges. The legislation, to be voted on Wednesday, is a precondition for creditors to begin talks on a new loan of as much as 86 billion euros ($94 billion).

Cops: Man Stole Operating Room Surgical Table (TSG)
Investigators allege that Lance Sayre, 52, entered Morton Plant Hospital in Clearwater last Sunday afternoon and went to "the secured area of the Operating Room.” Once inside, Sayre “took custody of a Berchtold Operating Bed valued at $47,945.97” and wheeled it to the hospital’s loading dock, where he loaded the bed into the back of a white van. Cops reported that the defendant was “captured on video.” An arrest affidavit does not indicate whether police recovered the stolen surgical table.

Bond King Gundlach Feuds With Morningstar (WSJ)
Mr. Gundlach, who formed his investing firm DoubleLine Capital LP in 2009 and built it into one of the most successful fixed-income fund companies, is sparring with the research firm over what DoubleLine says have been a series of false and misleading statements about its flagship fund, according to people familiar with the matter.

Twitter confirms purported Bloomberg story is false (Reuters)
A report claiming that Twitter Inc received an offer to be acquired for $31 billion attributed to Bloomberg LP is fake, Twitter and a spokesman for the news and financial data provider said on Tuesday. Twitter shares jumped on the report, which was distributed on the Internet and closely resembled Bloomberg's news website. Its origins could not be immediately established. The report appeared on a site called bloomberg.market, rather than bloomberg.com. Twitter did not immediately offer additional comment.

IAC’s Match Group to Acquire PlentyOfFish for $575 Million (Bloomberg)
IAC/InterActiveCorp subsidiary Match Group, which includes sites like Match, Tinder and OkCupid, agreed to acquire PlentyofFish Media Inc. in a deal valued at $575 million, continuing IAC Chairman Barry Diller’s online-dating expansion.

Sword thief tackled by wench, held by knight (UPI)
A man who allegedly tried to swipe a jouster's sword at the Colorado Renaissance Festival was tackled by two women and held for police by a knight in shining armor. Witnesses said the man jumped into the jousting pen during a demonstration Saturday at the event in Larkspur and ran off with a sword. Steven Chapman, who snapped photos of the incident and posted them to Facebook, said he saw the man being pursued by two women. "A man held a sword and appeared to be playing keep-away with two women. When one of the females shouted for security I realized the moment was serious," Chapman wrote on his blog, TumbleweedTourist.com.

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US Considers Notes That Float (WSJ) After a series of meetings early this week, Treasury officials will decide whether to start issuing floating-rate debt for the first time ever. Instead of the interest rate being fixed throughout the life of the notes, the rate would move up and down as overall rates move higher and lower. The change would be the first new addition to the Treasury's arsenal of debt products in 15 years. Analysts are widely expecting Treasury officials to sign off on the program. Fed Said to Criticize Banks on Risk Models in Stress Test (Bloomberg) The Federal Reserve criticized how some of the 19 largest U.S. banks calculated potential losses and planned dividends in this year’s stress tests, people with knowledge of the process said. The critiques will be part of feedback letters sent to the lenders this week that cover everything from data collection to risk measurement, said three of the people, who declined to be identified because communications with the Fed are private. Flaws included marking down all housing prices at the same rate, rather than matching them to specific regions, and planning dividends that could drain needed capital. Greeks To Protest Austerity In May Day Rallies (Reuters) Greece's two major private and public sector unions GSEE and ADEDY plan to hold a rally in Athens to mark the national holiday, while the Communist-affiliated PAME group was also scheduled to hold a separate rally. Police prepared for the violence that has come to mark many such rallies once demonstrators reach the main square in front of parliament, though Athens has not seen major clashes since an unpopular austerity bill was approved in February. Athens buses, trains and the subway came to a standstill as transport workers staged a 24-hour strike, while Greek seamen held a four-hour stoppage. Public sector offices were shut and hospitals worked on emergency staff. Occupy Wall Street denies link to May Day white powder bank scare (AP) Police say seven envelopes were sent Monday to several Wells Fargo branches, a JP Morgan Chase branch and an office building. Telephone calls to Wells Fargo and JP Morgan Chase were not immediately returned. Police say the suspicious envelopes caused evacuations of several bank branches, but no injuries were reported. Police had no suspects. Representatives at some of the banks involved told CBS News the envelopes contained a note stating "Happy May Day." The envelopes were sent on the eve of planned May Day protests around the country. Bill Dobbs, a spokesman for Occupy Wall Street, said the prank had nothing to do with their protest movement. He said the incidents distract from the May 1 events. Man Group Has $1 Billion Outflows (Bloomberg) The company reported that net cash fell 56 percent to $250 million in the three months ended in March, raising concern that it’s spending too much money at a time when profits are falling. Finance Director Kevin Hayes said on a call with analysts that staff bonuses, taxes and loans to some of Man Group’s funds accounted for the lower cash reserve. Calif. Man Sues BMW For Persistent Erection (CBS via Consumerist) enry Wolf of California is suing BMW America and aftermarket seatmaker Corbin-Pacific claiming his issue began after a four-hour ride on his 1993 BMW motorcycle, with a ridge like seat. Wolf is seeking compensation for lost wages, medical expenses, emotional distress and what he calls “general damage.” He said he’s had the erection non-stop for 20 months. And it comes with another side effect: The lawsuit says Wolf is “now is unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish.” Icahn: No feud with Phil (NYP) Investor Carl Icahn yesterday downplayed the notion that he’s in a feud with hedge fund bigwig Phil Falcone over wireless venture LightSquared. Speaking at an activist investing conference in Midtown, Icahn said newspapers that have been writing about his standoff with Falcone “are making this into this huge shoot-out that it’s really not.” “We don’t call the shots in that deal,” he said at the conference, hosted by 13D Monitor, when asked about his plans for LightSquared. “We have one seat on the committee out of six.” Groupon Board Regrouping (DJ) The young daily deals company, which went public just six months ago to much fanfare, is adding financial expertise to its board as it tries to clean up an accounting mess that rapidly deflated its stock. Groupon yesterday appointed financial heavyweights Daniel Henry, chief financial officer of American Express, and Robert Bass, vice chairman of Deloitte, as directors. The two are replacing Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, who is stepping down, and venture capitalist Kevin Efrusy, who won’t stand for re-election. Analysts See Record S&P 500 (Bloomberg) FYI: Analysts predict U.S. shares will rise enough this year to boost the Standard & Poor’s 500 Index to a record, even as Wall Street strategists say the best is already over for American equities. Judge rejects 'Hail Mary' motion for diplomatic immunity from DSK (NYP) The former International Monetary Fund chief tried to claim the protection in the civil case filed against him last August by chambermaid Nafissatou Diallo, who claims he sexually assaulting her in a "violent and sadistic attack" in the Midtown Sofitel hotel nearly one year ago. DSK was cleared of all criminal charges in the incident, but not before resigning from his post as chief of the IMF. “Confronted with well-stated law that his voluntary resignation from the IMF terminated any immunity which he enjoyed...Mr. Strauss-Khan, threw [legally speaking that is] his own version of a Hail Mary pass,” Judge Douglas McKeon wrote in his decision, handed down today. DSK did not claim immunity when Manhattan DA Cy Vance was pursuing the criminal charges against him, McKeon pointed out. “Mr. Strauss-Khan cannot eschew immunity in an effort to clear his name only to embrace it now in an effort to deny Ms. Diallo the opportunity to clear hers,” McKeon wrote. McKeon’s decision began with a quotation inserted in to the IMF’s 2011 annual report: “The reputation of a thousand years may be determines by the conduct of one hour."