Searching for meaning in today's 588 point drop or, at the very least, some answers? Look no further than televangelist slash market sage Pat Robertson, who said earlier today that the explanation for the wild ride is quite simple: God hates Planned Parenthood and decided that a great way to punish the sinners would be to give the Dow Jones Industrial Average its "largest one-day point decline ever on an intraday basis."1
For those who don't know much about his extracurricular pursuits, God first got interested in the stock market after he read Benjamin Graham's The Intelligent Investor. And even though he knew a move like this would royally fuck up his retirement plans, decided that something big had to be done. Anyway, if you liked today's volatility, you'll love what the big guy apparently has planned next; according to Robertson, it's the apocalypse.
"It’s coming, ladies and gentlemen. We just had a little taste of it in terms of the financial system, but it’s going to be shaken to its core in the next few months, years or however long it takes and it will hurt every one of us."
This was God's first stock market intervention since he famously screwed up the Facebook initial public offering on the Nasdaq. That day, it wasn't abortion that pissed him off, it was his Charles Schwab dealer, who wouldn't let him in on the ground floor. Wrath comes in many forms. Isiah 4:16.
1.Previous market crashes had nothing to do with him being pissed at sinners; he's just a huge fan of http://sadguysontradingfloors.tumblr.com/ and wanted to give it some fresh material.↩