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We Need To Talk About Etsy

The first step in Etsy recovery is admitting that you have an Etsy problem.

Are you seeing a pattern yet, Wall Street?

Sure, it feels good to put in those buy orders on Etsy stock. It's new and techie and different. It's like Amazon, but it supposedly helps people and stuff.

That first time you did it... Wow. It felt amazing and everyone was trying it.

We remember. The IPO felt like a Wednesday afternoon at Charlie Sheen's house.

It. Was. Epic, bro.

But do you remember what happened a few days later? Can you feel the pain behind your eyes as you watched that whole bacchanalia descend into a madness of devaluation?

It felt like a Thursday morning at Charlie Sheen's neighbor's house.

That was a moment to learn from, Wall Street, a moment to pause and reflect on your choices. What was Etsy? Was it actually like Amazon at all, or was it a different animal altogether? Was it something that you didn't quite understand?

But you didn't really take advantage of that moment, did you? Because just a few weeks later, there you were again, lining up shares of Etsy like they were going to stop issuing them.

"I can handle it this time," you thought. "This time it's different."

But it wasn't, was it?

You woke up weeks later to find that things were worse than ever. You couldn't handle sh!t. That Etsy monkey was Krazy Glu-ed to your back, pal.

So I guess it's no surprise that you couldn't help yourself a few weeks back. It had been awhile, and a problem is a problem. You were right back there, copping buy orders in a dark corner while rubbing your hands together maniacally and mumbling incoherently about "Getting right."

Hey! We don't want to hear that "But Google was doing it" crap. If Larry, Sergey and Ruth Porat jumped off a bridge, would you?

Well, maybe you already did. Because guess what, Wall Street? It's happening again.

Etsy on Tuesday evening reported a quarterly loss, and the stock is getting crushed.
In premarket trading on Wednesday, the stock fell 16% after sliding more than 11% in after-hours trading on Tuesday.

Aren't you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

And please, spare us all the part where you blame Etsy.

Etsy didn't hold a gun to your head and make you buy Etsy. Perhaps you bought Etsy without fully understanding what Etsy really is because you like the way buying Etsy makes you feel.

But maybe Etsy's not like Amazon at all, other than that you can buy stuff on it and it has a very philosophical approach to making actual profits.

For the love of all that is good and holy, if Etsy can't handle its own Witch and Warlock community, what makes you think that you can handle Etsy?

Until you figure that out for yourself, maybe you should lay off and show some restraint.

We want you to get better, Wall Street, we really do. But first, you need to help yourself. Maybe take up knitting. We know a great place where you can sell your creations...

Etsy is crashing [BI]


Will Wall Street Ever Stop Punishing Etsy For Being Etsy?

C'mon you guys, can't you see that Etsy has had enough?

Etsy Now Free To Be A Normal, Morally Ambiguous E-Commerce Company

Give in, Etsy. Feel the power of the dark side.

Stock Plummets After Wall Street Realizes Etsy Has Failed To Make A Profit, Like Ever

What, no one believes in the market power of homemade macrame lingerie anymore?!?!

Etsy Is Learning To Lobby Congress And It's An Adorable Mess

We don't make or sell anything directly, Senator... but we're somehow worth almost $2B. So can you help us out?


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