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What Is The Point Of Even Having Interns?

BNY Mellon, JP Morgan, and a bunch of other banks know what we're talking about.
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Come on, guys: Do something to prove your worth.

They’re embarrassing. They’re ungrateful. They always screw up lunch. You can’t work them like enslaved robots or force them to wear adult diapers in the office anymore—and they’re getting more expensive anyway. They’re not even entertaining you by throwing up all over their cubicles after eating the entire contents of a vending machine.

Oh yeah, and now, handing out internships to important overseas clients to build a little good will is f*cking bribery, according to the SEC. It makes one wonder if internship programs are worth the trouble anymore.

With the settlement, the SEC essentially establishes that “valuable student internships” are covered under the law, according to the agency—though such a view has yet to be tested in court. That finding is likely to send another shudder across Wall Street, where the trading of favors large and small has long been a part of the business….

The real cost to banks isn’t regulatory but having one less avenue by which to promote their business and gain access into other markets, Ms. Belinski said. “Who knew millions of dollars were at stake for an internship? It’s a big wake-up call,” she said.

Are Wall Street Interns the Latest Regulatory Target? [WSJ]


Death-Faking Hedge-Fund Fraudster Super Busy Right Now

Mark Malik knows what we're talking about.

Food Eating Challenge Of The Day: "It's Not Clear What's Going On In His Mind And Body"

As you all are well aware, from time to time we cover food eating challenges around these parts. We don't chronicle all the feats of gastrointestinal fortitude that come our way, though, because while we love you all, not all of your FECs constitute what we'd consider an actual challenge worth covering. As previously discussed, our high bar has everything to do with the first contest we ever wrote about (as a postmortem), which involved a man named Oyster Boy, who consumed 244 oysters in 1 hour at Ulysses, throwing down the gauntlet down for one of you to pick up, vis-à-vis goring yourself for sport. Do we really expect anyone to match OB in magnitude or strength of stomach lining? No, we do not. Having said that, "challenges" such as eating 8 vending machine items in 12 hours (or in an unlimited amount of time!) are not going to cut it. It's not an exact science but we look for FECs that are imaginative, topical, and/or represent a high degree of difficulty. (And while we wouldn't actually advise it, live streaming the whole thing would make our day.) Which brings us to today's challenge. It occurred at an investment bank in midtown and although it loses points for not letting us know ahead of time so that we could chronicle the thing in real time, there are a number of things we like about it. Intern vs. VP. [Redacted] intern's last day (ever?). A dozen donuts each from our friends at DD. 1 hour limit to finish...Intern: larger build, 6'1" and extremely ambitious. VP: fit and 5'8" with a vicious appetite. Identical donut selection includes: - 2 chocolate - 2 glazed - 1 sugar - 2 strawberry frosted - 2 chocolate frosted - 1 blueberry - 1 Oreo crumble - 1 Boston creme VP downed the whole thing in 13:31. Intern disappointingly tapped out shortly after at 9 donuts and a bite. Intern is feeling "terrible," is alternating between a sugar rush and mild depression, and wants to sleep under his desk. It's not clear what's going on in his mind and body. Besides looking very uncomfortable, he's having a hard time responding to questions with any answer besides "I don't know." He's buying drinks for everyone tonight. Obviously there's zero sense of urgency here as a result of getting a recap rather than doing it live. But! Twelve adult-sized donuts (as opposed to a bunch of munchkins)? Good. Thirteen minutes for the whole spread? Good. Pitting a superior against an underling (rather than making a couple of interns race each other)? GOOD. Take these ideas, particularly the last one and run with them. Feel free to come up with your own but at least just consider making founder vs. peasant/30 minutes/2 chocolate fountains each/70-100 items to dip/race to the finish happen.

By Chris Potter (Flickr: 3D Judges Gavel) [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Possibly Imaginary CFO Grounds For Very Real Fraud Lawsuit

Tom Simeo knows what we’re taking about.

Plenty Of Blame To Go Around When $81 Million Goes Missing

Bangladesh’s central bank governor knows what we're talking about.