Skip to main content

Apple Will Now Sell You A $99 Pencil... You're Welcome

Merry Christmas, dummies - Tim Cook

During the badly-lit pantomime marathon commercial that has come to be known as an "Apple Event," a California computer company announced today that it will sell you an electric stick for basically one hundred bucks.


The media response was swift.

Apple stock was down by roughly a dollar at 3pm, but that might have also been linked to the fact that Apple chose the band One Republic to close out the event.


Elon Musk Finds It Adorable That Those Simpleton Rejects Over At Apple Think They Can Build A Whole Car

Listen, Elon's not saying Apple's a second rate company... He's saying it's third or fourth rate.


Apple Revises Q1 Guidance Citing Chinese Trade And iPhone Sales As Things That Suck

Tim Cook looking to make his problem into everybody's problem.


Apple Refuses To Be Victimized By Grandest Ego-Trip In Danish History

Tim Cook does not think Margrethe Vestager is the "Dane of the Year."


Tim Cook Is Boring, So Now Apple Is Only Worth $1 Trillion

If only he'd overpromised, underdelivered, burned cash, acted like a maniac and then apologized...Apple would worth at least $10 trillion.

Instagram CEO: We Don't Hate Nipples, Apple Hates Nipples

Apple is making Instagram say "Nope" to nips.


An Apple Product A Year Keeps The Recession Away

We're learning a very important lesson today.

Market Panic Has Reached "I'm Gonna Email Jim Cramer" Levels

Human sacrifice! Tim Cook emailing Jim Cramer! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!