Opening Bell: 9.16.15

AB InBev wants SABMiller; Kynikos gains; Bridgewater loses (and tells investors to f*ck off); Young Wall Street has no idea what a rate hike looks like; "Man Throws Brisket At Woman During Beef At BBQ Fest, Police Say"; and more.
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AB InBev Approaches SABMiller in Record Industry Combination (Bloomberg)
Anheuser-Busch InBev NV said it intends to make an offer for SABMiller Plc to unite the world’s two biggest beermakers and brands including Budweiser and Peroni, creating a company that would control about half the industry’s profit.

Goldman Warns Markets Unprepared for Fed as Treasuries Seesaw (Bloomberg)
“There will be some concern that the market’s not prepared,” Hatzius said Tuesday in a Bloomberg Television interview. “There’s a risk of an adverse market reaction.” Goldman Sachs is one of the 22 primary dealers that trade directly with the central bank.

Young Bankers Wrestle With a Novel Notion: Rates That Rise (WSJ)
As part of a mandatory training program for thousands of employees, U.S. Bancorp recently asked them: “What were you doing in the summer of 2006?” For many of them, the answer was trading baseball cards and studying for exams—not trading bonds and studying the tables for variable mortgage rates. When the Federal Reserve raises interest rates, possibly as soon as Thursday, it will mark the first upward move in almost a decade and the first move of any sort since 2008. In other words, it will be a foreign phenomenon for a large swath of Wall Street and the banking industry...U.S. Bank’s training program is taking nothing for granted. “You may hear colleagues or customers say, ‘Did Yellen raise rates?’ ” a bank executive says in one video. “You may have heard the term ‘rising-rate environment.’... What does it mean?” The same video points out that the last time rates were rising “the iPhone didn’t exist, Peyton Manning had never played in a Super Bowl and Nintendo first released the Wii.”

Contrarian CEOs tell the Fed: Go ahead, raise my rates (Reuters)
Neal J. Keating, chief executive of Kaman Corp (KAMN.N) in Bloomfield, Connecticut, says "a measured" quarter point hike would be beneficial. He foresees no real impact on business investments from a modest hike, and his company would get a boost because higher rates would reduce pension liabilities that weigh down the balance sheet.

Man Throws Brisket At Woman During Beef At BBQ Fest, Police Say (AP)
Police say a woman was hit with a hot flying brisket when a contestant's temper flared during a beef over a shared cooker at a central Kentucky barbecue festival. Danville police say they were called to the Kentucky State BBQ Festival after a dispute was reported between contestants who were sharing a cooker Sunday. Mary Berry of Bardstown told officers she was hit in the shoulder, neck and head by the slab of hot meat, which was estimated to be between 200 and 250 degrees when it was thrown. Police said 42-year-old Mike Owings of Cunningham told officers he threw the brisket because he lost his temper but "didn't mean for anyone to get hurt."

Hedge Fund Bridgewater Defends Its ‘Risk-Parity’ Strategy (WSJ)
The billionaire Mr. Dalio fired back in his Tuesday note, which was reviewed by The Wall Street Journal, saying his style “would tend to smooth market movements rather than exacerbate them.” He also blamed the strong performance of equities in recent years for his relatively poor performance.

China Bear James Chanos Roars After Years of Losses (WSJ)
At his Kynikos Associates LP, the Kynikos Opportunity fund, which bets on and against stocks, returned 4% in August and was up nearly 10% through the first eight months of the year, according to a document reviewed by The Wall Street Journal. The Ursus and Kriticos funds, which bet only against stocks, gained 6.2% and 8.2% in August, according to the document. Those same funds lost money for three straight years starting in 2012 as markets rose, according to another document. Kynikos recently started marketing a fourth fund.

Inside These Hedge Funds, a Smaller Hedge Fund Just for the Boss (Bloomberg)
Table, it turns out, is sort of a secret wrapped in mystery. From the same Manhattan skyscraper as Ackman’s Pershing Square Capital Management, Table handles the personal finances of one client: the boss. Ackman’s setup might seem unusual in the hedge fund business, where managers stake their fortunes on the funds they oversee for clients. But a growing number of prominent hedge funders are also quietly cordoning off private enclaves for themselves, often within their big-name firms. Eric Mindich, Dan Och and others have created what are known as single family offices-- and not everyone is happy about it. Critics say managers should focus on their hedge funds and, in effect, eat their own cooking.

Citigroup CFO Sees 5% Drop in Third-Quarter Trading Revenue (Bloomberg)
Citigroup Inc. Chief Financial Officer John Gerspach said third-quarter trading revenue will decline from a year earlier amid increased volatility. “We expect our underlying revenues for fixed-income and equity markets to be down in the range of about 5 percent,” Gerspach said Wednesday at an investor conference in New York.

Glencore Sells Shares to Raise $2.5 Billion and Reduce Debt (Bloomberg)
Glencore Plc, the worst performer on the U.K.’s benchmark stock index this year, sold $2.5 billion of new shares to pay down debt to help protect its credit rating amid a rout in commodities prices.

Russian woman drags tram car weighing nearly 19 tons (UPI)
Irkutsk native Oksana Kosheleva set what is believed to be a national record for Russia by dragging the 18.7-ton tram car after being unable to secure her intended target -- a 22-ton plane. "I was preparing to move a plane but eventually ended up with a tram car. It was not hard, actually. It should be longer, next time we will make it longer," Kosheleva told reporters after her accomplishment. "We may make it two tram cars or three, or four."

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Opening Bell: 7.26.16

AB InBev ups SABMiller offer; Deutsche Bank must face subprime suit; Marissa Mayer probably won't get another CEO job right away; Man head-butted mother in face because she brought home Chick-fil-A for dinner; and more.

Opening Bell: 11.12.15

AB InBev seals SABMiller deal; Argentina finally pays off for hedge funds; $50,000 headphones; "Shia LaBeouf Live-Streams Himself Watching All of His Movies"; and more.

By Captain-tucker (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Opening Bell: 9.27.16

Stumpf forfeits $41 million; Germany has no plans to save Deutsch Bank; SABMiller backs AB InBev takeover; Warren Beatty denies sleeping with 12,775 women; and more.

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Opening Bell: 9.12.16

Hedge funds bleed assets while Bridgewater raises $22.5 billion; Lockhart wants 'serious' discussion of rate hike this month; Man accused of robbing Kansas bank to get away from wife;

Opening Bell: 01.06.16

North Korea RSVPs yes to World Economic Forum; Sanders tells Wall Street, Clinton to f*ck off; Hoodie with inflatable pillow funded on Kickstarter; and more.

Opening Bell: 10.9.15

Deutsche Bank just the start for European bank pain; Bonds out, equities in; Ferrari thinks it's worth $12.4 billion; InBev doesn't know why SABMiller keeps rejecting its offers; "Assistant football coach at NJ high school gets into fight with player's mother"; and more.

Opening Bell: 10.28.15

AB InBev explores sale of US assets; Hillary Clinton is serious about breaking up big banks; Employees don't want your stinking stock; Man turns violent after being asked to sit out Monopoly tournament; and more.