Greece still thinks it has a chance; Apple is the new Pimco; Uber banned in the Hamptons; "Finally, a knife that toasts bread as it slices"; and more.

Investors want banks taken to the chop shop; Pimco explains shrinkage; "Man Shot His Sister With BB Gun Over Phallic Birthday Cake: Cops"; AND MORE.

Citi chief gets a raise; Survey says rate hike coming; Clumsy criminal crashed through ceiling of Popeyes; and more.

Valeant says short-seller's report is BS; Credit Suisse is a less hot version of UBS; Warren Buffett's li'l millionaires; The return of Greg Smith; "Alleged wedding crasher bites officer, police dog"; and more.

$$$ Citigroup Said to Cut Investment Bankers’ Bonuses by 20% [Bloomberg] $$$ HSBC to Pay $249 Million in Foreclosure Settlement [WSJ] $$$ "For most of its history, Dell appears to have followed advice from investment banks — advice that ill-served long-term shareholders to the benefit of corporate executives. The company paid out billions of dollars to buy back stock, and only last year began to distribute some of the money to shareholders who chose to stick with it rather than bail out. It has spent more money on share repurchases than it earned throughout its life as a public company. Most of those repurchases were at prices well above current levels." [NYT] $$$ Matt Yglesias on the Fed: "There's no solving for the desired result. There's just a presentation of a scenario and then a bunch of chit chat and discussion of operational details." [Slate] $$$ Vibrator With 3 Balls Can’t Win EU Trademark, Court Says [Bloomberg] $$$ Levin Report on JPMorgan Whale Said to Fault Regulator [Bloomberg] $$$ Assured Guaranty Cut by Moody’s on Muni Insurance Outlook [Bloomberg] $$$ All Dutch securities have been dematerialized [FTAV] $$$ Chinese labour pool begins to drain [FT] $$$ A sonnet version of the Diff'rent Strokes theme song [VC]

$$$ Judge Approves Payout to MF Global Customers $$$ Dell Buyout Deal Could Come as Soon as Monday [Reuters] $$$ US banks squeezed as mortgage profits hit [FT] $$$ High Drama at CFTC: The Battle Over Swaps and Futures [BBW] $$$ UBS Set to Classify Bond-Buying Clients as 'Aggressive' Investors [FBN] $$$ "We were served water, at exactly the right cool temperature, yet without ice cubes"; also Bill Gates was there [MR] $$$ Aston Martin in Barn With Mouse Nest May Fetch $300,000 [Bloomberg] $$$ A highly respected bank is looking for a senior associate and a VP/director to originate, structure, and market credit-based structured products in New York [DBCC] $$$ SNS Nationalized in Netherlands After Real Estate Losses [Bloomberg] $$$ Swap mis-sellingand the dark heart of the City [Telegraph] $$$ Banks slow crisis money repayment to ECB [Reuters] $$$ Twitter nears $10 billion valuation [Fortune] $$$ Sociology of the evolution of electronic trading [Jayanth R. Varma] $$$ Half of students in Harvard cheating scandal required to withdraw from the college [Boston.com]

$$$ Stocks Near New Heights as Small Investors Regain Faith [NYT] $$$ J.P. Morgan Risk Officer Taking Leave of Absence [WSJ] $$$ Soros Says Hedge Funds Can’t Beat Market Because of Fees [Bloomberg] $$$ UBS Chairman proposes industry-wide settlement over Libor [Reuters] $$$ "One explanation for the confusion is that many things that are considered normal in finance look like fraud to almost everyone else." [Free Exchange] $$$ Outcry Over Bid to Make Water Cheaper Than Beer [WSJ] $$$ An investment management firm is looking for a senior investment associate to research credit hedge funds in D.C. [DBCC] $$$ Europe's Banks Rush to Repay ECB Funds [WSJ] $$$ U.S. Court Ruling Threatens Consumer Bureau Decisions [Bloomberg] $$$ Italy's Monte Paschi faces shareholder fury as scandal widens [Reuters] $$$ You may be surprised to learn that "the president and chairman of Mortgage Xpress, Inc. (subsequently renamed The Alternative Energy Technology Center, Inc.)" was sued by the SEC [SEC] $$$ Cory Booker Continues His Steady March Toward Canonization by Personally Saving a Stranded Dog from Freezing to Death [Gawker]

Greece; Settlements; Hoaxes; "Florida man dances on police vehicle to ward off vampires"; and more.