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Holiday Bell: 10.12.15

AB InBev offers SABMiller $103.6 billion; Central bankers tell Fed to get its sh*t together; HBS grad wants to start a cannabis bank; Gross suffers outflows; "Texas students to protest campus weapons policy with sex toys"; and more.
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AB InBev Lifts SABMiller Takeover Proposal to $103.6 Billion (Bloomberg)
Anheuser-Busch InBev NV raised its proposed bid for SABMiller Plc to about 67.4 billion pounds ($103.6 billion), seeking to bring the U.K. brewer to the negotiating table ahead of Wednesday’s deadline for an offer that would create the world’s dominant beermaker. Under the proposal, the majority of stockholders would get 43.50 pounds a share in cash, Leuven, Belgium-based AB InBev said in a statement Monday. SABMiller’s two biggest investors, Altria Group Inc. and BevCo Ltd., the Santo Domingo family’s holding company, would receive 38.88 pounds a share in cash and stock, AB InBev said.

Dell to buy EMC in $67 billion record tech deal, aims for cloud market (Reuters)
Computer-maker Dell Inc struck a deal on Monday to buy data storage company EMC Corp for $67 billion, setting a record in the technology industry, as it tries to transform itself into a giant in the fast-growing market for managing and storing corporate data. The acquisition, the year's third-largest in all sectors, highlights the frenzy of dealmaking sweeping the economy, as big or mature companies take advantage of low interest rates to buy rivals as a way to spur growth.

Gross Fund Has About $47 Million in Outflows as Returns Lag (Bloomberg)
Investors pulled an estimated $47 million last month from the Janus Global Unconstrained Bond Fund run by Bill Gross as his performance this year trailed a majority of rivals. The bond fund at Janus Capital Group Inc. now oversees about $1.38 billion, according to data compiled by Bloomberg. The fund lost 1.4 percent this year, worse than 68 percent of other unconstrained bond pools.

Central Bankers Urge Fed to Get On With Rate Increase (WSJ)
Fed fatigue has enveloped emerging-market officials facing repeated bouts of volatility in their currencies and capital flows alongside mounting worries about debt. Some policy makers, gripped by the uncertainty, delivered a message to their American counterparts as officials gathered in the Peruvian capital for the International Monetary Fund’s annual meeting: Please stop dithering.

DUI Suspect Allegedly Claimed Dog Was Driving Car (HP)
A DUI suspect accused of leading deputies on a high speed chase in Manatee County, Florida, allegedly told authorities that his dog was the one behind the wheel, Bradenton Patch reports. Deputies gave chase to Reliford Cooper III, 26, after catching him speeding at around 7:45 p.m. on Wednesday. Cooper allegedly fled, ran a stop sign, drove through two ditches and eventually crashed into a house...While he was being handcuffed, Cooper told deputies, “I wasn’t driving that car," the report said. He then allegedly elaborated, “My dog was driving that car.”

Former UBS Trader Adoboli to Fight Ghana Deportation Ruling (Bloomberg)
Adoboli, who was sentenced to seven years in prison in Nov. 2012, will lodge an appeal against the ruling handed down last week, his lawyer, Paul Lennon of London-based Bark & Co. said by e-mail. Ghana-born Adoboli was released from prison in June.

Where to Stash Cannabis Cash? Tribal Nations Make Bid to Bank It (Bloomberg)
Rivera, a Harvard Business School graduate who led the 1,940 members of the Acjachemen Nation in Southern California for nearly a decade, says native governments could legalize marijuana. His organization, CannaNative, is trying to link tribal leaders from the 566 sovereign American Indian nations with finance professionals and legal-marijuana businesses to use the expertise gained from decades of managing casinos. That way, he said, they can go where big institutions such as JPMorgan Chase & Co. and Wells Fargo & Co. fear to tread -- banking the legal-pot industry’s estimated $3 billion in annual revenue.

From China, a $400 Million Bonanza for U.S. Startups (WSJ)
Naval Ravikant is attempting to do to early-stage venture capital what technology firms have done to every other industry: disrupt it. His instrument is a website called AngelList that allows for a kind of crowdfunding of young startups. Thanks to a deal set to be announced Monday, he has a powerful new tool at his disposal, handed to him by one of the largest private-equity firms in China: $400 million. That might not sound like a lot for a venture-capital firm, but it is the largest single pool of funds devoted to early-stage startups—ever. And it might be the largest-ever single investment by a Chinese private-equity firm in a U.S. fund.

Donald Trump’s sale of Miss Universe actually fell short (NYP)
Donald Trump’s team boasted to the media last month about how well the Republican presidential candidate had done from buying and reselling the company that runs the Miss Universe beauty pageant. In truth, the sale, even if at a good profit, was not a big winner as far as the total realized proceeds, a source with direct knowledge of the deal told our Josh Kos­man.

Texas students to protest campus weapons policy with sex toys (UPI)
Jessica Jin, the student who created the "Campus (DILDO) Carry" event on Facebook, wrote that the event -- planned for the first day of fall semester Aug. 24, 2016 -- protests concealed weapons being allowed on the school's campus while university policy bans displays of "obscenity." "On June 1, 2015, Gov. Greg Abbott signed S.B. 11, also known as the 'campus carry' law. S.B. 11 provides that license holders may carry a concealed handgun throughout university campuses, starting Aug. 1, 2016. The law gives public universities some discretion to regulate campus carry," Jin wrote on the event page. "The State of Texas has decided that it is not at all obnoxious to allow deadly concealed weapons in classrooms, however it DOES have strict rules about free sexual expression, to protect your innocence. You would receive a citation for taking a DILDO to class before you would get in trouble for taking a gun to class. Heaven forbid the penis," she wrote.

Related

Opening Bell: 11.12.15

AB InBev seals SABMiller deal; Argentina finally pays off for hedge funds; $50,000 headphones; "Shia LaBeouf Live-Streams Himself Watching All of His Movies"; and more.

By Captain-tucker (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Opening Bell: 9.27.16

Stumpf forfeits $41 million; Germany has no plans to save Deutsch Bank; SABMiller backs AB InBev takeover; Warren Beatty denies sleeping with 12,775 women; and more.

Getty Images

Opening Bell: 7.26.16

AB InBev ups SABMiller offer; Deutsche Bank must face subprime suit; Marissa Mayer probably won't get another CEO job right away; Man head-butted mother in face because she brought home Chick-fil-A for dinner; and more.

Holiday Bell: 12.31.12

Cliff's Edge Draws Close (WSJ) What happens Monday could go some way to determining the short-term fate of the U.S. economy and the reputation of the government, both of which have been dinged by the spectacle of endless seemingly circular negotiations. Carrying the baton late into Sunday evening were Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R., Ky) and Vice President Joe Biden. A spokesman for Mr. McConnell said Monday morning that the two men "will continue to work toward a solution." In the past two weeks, at least three different sets of negotiation teams have sought a way out...Still, some remained hopeful elements of a deal were on the table and could be brought into alignment at the last minute. "We're very close," said Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D., Md.). "It is like a kaleidoscope," meaning there are many moving parts that can look beautiful or ugly depending how they're arrayed. Experts Forecast The Cost Of Failure To Compromise (NYT) In the event no compromise is found, however,the Congressional Budget Office and many private economists warn that the sudden pullback in spending and the rise in taxes would push the economy into recession in the first half of the year. Under this outcome, Mr. Gault said, the economy could shrink by 0.5 percent over all of 2013. With the clock ticking, some observers bolstered their criticism of Washington. "If we have a recession, it's unforgivable," said Bernard Baumohl, chief global economist at the Economic Outlook Group. "For the first time in modern history, we will have a self-inflicted recession in the U.S." New Year's Countdown To Higher US Taxes Starts (Bloomberg) The IRS has said it will issue guidance by today on paycheck withholding for 2013, which depends on the income-tax rates Congress is debating. Higher rates would mean less take- home pay for workers starting as early as the first paycheck in January. Both Democrats and Republicans support extending current rates for families making less than $250,000. They disagree on whether to raise levies for top earners. Rates are scheduled to increase for all income levels Jan. 1 if Congress doesn’t act. Parties Pivot To Blame (WSJ) If Congress and the White House fail to strike a deal to avert the so-called fiscal cliff, Republicans are under few illusions as to who will get much of the blame—even if past polls suggest there will be plenty to go around. "The poor Republicans will get the brunt of it, which may be unfair, but such is life," said Republican Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels, a former White House budget chief under George W. Bush. "The Republicans are seen as the obstinate ones, where at the very least, the president and his side are equally so." Polls since the November election have found Americans more ready to blame the GOP than President Barack Obama and congressional Democrats if the two sides fail to reach a deal to avoid the wave of tax increases and spending cuts coming Jan. 1. A Wall Street Journal/NBC poll earlier this month showed 24% would blame Republicans while 19% would blame Democrats. Merkel Says Euro Zone Crisis Far From Over (Reuters) FYI. Mario Batali wins biz feud over UK chef Gordon Ramsay (NYP, related, related) Batali says the prickly Brit star has agreed to give up on using the name The Spotted Pig for a London eatery — amid outcry that he had swiped it from Batali and his partners. “It didn’t make him look great,” Batali said of Ramsay’s recent trademarking of the name in the UK. “I don’t think it was an intentional shot across the bow by Gordon,” Batali told the Eater Vegas blog. “His team is just [trying] to build businesses. There’s got to be a thousand other animals they could have chosen besides The Spotted Pig. A striped minx, for example.” Experts Back Deutsche Whistleblowers (FT) Accounting experts say Deutsche Bank appears to have improperly accounted for billions of dollars of credit derivatives trades by failing to value adequately the risk that its trading counterparties could walk away. Jersey woman charged at boyfriend with hammer after he refuses to pay for laundry, reports say (NJ) Jazmin Duran, 24, was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, terroristic threats, criminal mischief, domestic violence, possession of weapon, unlawful possession of a weapon, resisting arrest police reports said. Police were called to Garfield Avenue near Armstrong Avenue at 2:52 p.m. on a report that a man was locked in the bathroom and his girlfriend was hitting the door with a hammer, reports said. When police arrived, the 49-year-old boyfriend, was still locked in the bathroom, reports said. After a brief struggle, police were able to detain Duran, reports said. When he came out he told police that Duran was mad at him and attacked him with a hammer, reports said. The victim said that he was undressing to get in the shower while talking to his girlfriend about getting her eyebrows done, when she asked for him to pay for doing her laundry, reports said. He responded that he didn't have money to pay for her laundry, reports said. He said she became irate and began to scream, reports said. BofA Settlement Hits Snags (WSJ) A big legal settlement usually marks the end of the bulk of the work for the Justice Department. But a year after a $335 million deal with Bank of America Corp. to compensate minority borrowers for alleged discrimination, much remains to be done. The department's settlement administrator just began notifying affected borrowers in November, about five months later than originally planned. Then, weeks after letters went out to more than 233,000 presumed victims, about 10% of those letters have been returned as undeliverable, according to Justice Department officials. U.S. officials had warned that it might take two years for eligible borrowers to receive money from the settlement, but they also expressed hope that checks could be mailed out sooner. Those hopes have dimmed. Facebook Analysts Stick To Script (WSJ) Facebook Inc. FB +1.03% has gotten a thumbs-down from investors since its initial public offering. But securities analysts who work at the investment banks that did the deal have never wavered in their enthusiasm. Since the social-networking company went public in May, analysts at Morgan Stanley, J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. and Goldman Sachs—Facebook's three biggest underwriters—have issued 40 reports on the stock. Every report has urged investors to buy. Skin In The Game (NYP) West Village cosmetic doctor Yelena Yeretsky usually works to make the power women of Wall Street look flawless. But now men are asking for her services. Yeretsky says, “The men usually want chemical peels so they look glowy. I remove lesions and skin tags and non-cancerous growths from years of playing golf in the sun.” French Court Says 75% Tax Rate on Rich Is Unconstitutional (Bloomberg) President Francois Hollande’s 75 percent millionaire-tax is unconstitutional because it fails to guarantee taxpayer equality, France’s top court ruled today. The tax, one of Hollande’s campaign promises, had become a focal point of discontent among entrepreneurs and other wealth creators, some of whom have quit French shores as a result. The ruling comes as the president seeks to cut France’s public deficit to 3 percent of gross domestic product next year from a projected 4.5 percent this year. For Euro, All Eyes On ECB's Playbook (WSJ) "Global central banks are engaged in a race to the bottom. It's difficult to call which major currency will be the ugliest," said Munich-based Thomas Kressin, who heads currency strategy for Pacific Investment Management Co., one of the world's biggest bond-fund managers. Expert: Champagne cork can put an eye out (UPI) The pressure inside a champagne bottle can launch a cork at 50 miles per hour as it leaves the bottle, fast enough to shatter glass, U.S. eye experts say. Dr. Monica L. Monica, an ophthalmologist and spokeswoman for the American Academy of Ophthalmology, said the speed at which a cork can be unleashed is fast enough to permanently damage vision, including rupture of the eye wall, acute glaucoma, retinal detachment, ocular bleeding, dislocation of the lens and damage to the eye's bone structure. These injuries sometimes require urgent eye surgeries, Monica said. "When a champagne cork flies, you really have no time to react and protect your delicate eyes," Monica said in a statement. Programming Note: We're on an abbreviated, vacation-esque schedule. Opening wraps and brief updates should anything happen that people need to know about (fiscal cliff deal is struck, Raj Rajaratnam leads his fellow inmates in a NYE flashmob set to 'Thriller,' etc). Happy New Year and we'll see you in 2013!