$$$ JPMorgan Misled Investors, Dodged Regulators, Senate Report Says [Bloomberg] $$$ Regulators Question Goldman and JPMorgan’s Capital Plans [DealBook] $$$ E*Trade Loses Largest Shareholder as Citadel Sells Out [Deal Journal] $$$ Credit Suisse to pay $400 million to end U.S. bond lawsuits [Reuters] $$$ The Return of the Popped Collar [WSJ] $$$ Genworth financial is looking for a Director, Corporate Trading in Stamford [DBCC] $$$ Reuters editor indicted for helping Anonymous hack websites [AP] $$$ Bankruptcy Lawyer Is Named to Manage an Ailing Detroit [NYT] $$$ Almost there, S&P! [WSJ] $$$ Goldman Sachs is (probably) reminding people of how everyone forgot about Greg Smith [DI]

Valeant has best 3-day run in nearly 20 years; Treasury says banks should be probed on Panama Papers; Meet the masseuse who bites Kanye and Steven Tyler; and more.

Pimco sees less than 50% chance of rate hike this week; Credit Suisse dark pool settlement; "Bride Nearly Run Over by Drunk Wedding Guest"; and more.

$$$ JPMorgan is the best place to work, according to the Vault Guide [DealBook] $$$ "Morgan Stanley's wealth management chief, Greg Fleming, has just concluded a seven-city tour of the firm’s brokerage offices in an attempt to stem a broker revolt over the company’s new technology system that contains so many glitches that brokers often cannot sign-up new clients." [FBN, earlier] $$$ Ex-Jet Chrebet Among Top Wealth Managers Leaving Morgan Stanley for Barclays [Deal Journal] $$$ A fourth trader under scrutiny in JPM "Whale" probe [Reuters] $$$ "What the ECB is doing, in essence, is setting itself up as the shadow government of Italy, Spain, Portugal, and perhaps Ireland." [Slate / Matt Yglesias] $$$ Court to decide if lap dancing is a tax-exempt art form [USAT] $$$ Morgan Stanley Smith Barney is looking for a suspicious activity monitoring and investigations analyst [DBCC] $$$ Greenhill Expands Capital Advisory Group [DealBook] $$$ Investors are buying California school district bonds [WSJ] $$$ The ‘mystery Libor’ precedent [FTAV] $$$ Why Yes, It Is Time for Homemade Satellites [BBW] $$$ What Famous People Smell Like [The Awl]

Market crash; Rate hike; Activists; "Woman bites rider who asks to move bag from seat in New York subway"; and more.

$$$ Cyprus Rejects Deposit Levy in Blow to European Bailout Plan [Bloomberg] $$$ Cyprus’s bad haircut day [Felix Salmon] $$$ Matt Yglesias's proposals for Cyprus include selling Northern Cyprus to Turkey and Ben Bernanke giving it a €5.8bn present [Slate] $$$ Florida Financier Charged in Facebook IPO Fraud [WSJ] $$$ Credit Suisse sacks around 12 from NY rates team [Reuters] $$$ Goldman Sachs’s Scialla Twins Leave for Home-Design Firm [Bloomberg] $$$ RBC is looking for a research associate to cover medical devices healthcare companies in New York [DBCC] $$$ Activist Fights Draw More Attention [WSJ] $$$ Ackman’s J.C. Penney Losses Signal Buyout Need [Bloomberg] $$$ NFL Teams With Private-Equity Firm to Seek Media, Tech Investments [WSJ] $$$ U.S. Probes Microsoft, Partners Over Bribery Claims [WSJ] $$$ Bigamist attorney, who secretly wed a stripper and got caught, suspended six months [NYDN]

$$$ Spain's Recession to Linger as Austerity Bites [WSJ] $$$ Euro Bailout Bid Gets Vote Of No-Confidence [Bloomberg] $$$ As the Justice Department weighs the possibility of criminal charges in the unfolding Libor rate-setting scandal, it may want to consider the record of the Swiss banking giant UBS. At UBS, a series of immunity, nonprosecution and deferred prosecution agreements in recent years — evidently the government’s preferred approach to corporate crime — seems to have had scant, if any, deterrent effect. “It’s depressing,” Representative Peter Welch, Democrat of Vermont, a member of the House oversight committee, told me this week after we discussed UBS’s recent transgressions. “The Justice Department has to decide: Is the day of consent decrees and settlements, where you pay a fine, one passed on to shareholders, are those days over? Are the days of jail time here?” [NYT] $$$ Jamie Dimon Opens Wallet For JPMorgan Shares, Picks Up 500000‎ [Forbes] $$$ Someone stole hundreds of David Hasseloff life-sized cutouts [NYDN] $$$ Credit Suisse chair says board backs Dougan [Reuters] $$$ Ex-BofA Executive Indicted For Fraud In Municipal Bond Probe [Bloomberg] $$$ BMW ‘stolen’ from Hooters is found [WaPo]

$$$ Google Shares Fall on Premature Earnings [WSJ] $$$ Google and the send button ... [footnoted] $$$ "To be fair, we released our earnings yesterday afternoon on Google Plus." [@PendingLarry via Deal Journal] $$$ Smallest Stock Traders Hardest Hit as Commissions Decline [Bloomberg] $$$ Blackstone Swings to Profit of $622 Million in 3rd Quarter [DealBook] $$$ "Americans who say they work 75 hours a week tend to be exaggerating by 25 hours." [Qz] $$$ BlackRock is looking for a Sales Training Program Manager for their iShares division in San Francisco [DBCC] $$$ Sprint Nextel assumes majority stake in Clearwire [Reuters] $$$ In Insider Trading Case, Drawing In David Ganek [DealBook] $$$ Ex-GE Bankers Jailed in Rigged Muni Bond Case [CNBC] $$$ William Cohan on Greg Smith: "He conned Grand Central Publishing, which paid him a reported $1.5 million for his 'tell-all' book about how the culture at Goldman Sachs had deteriorated during his 12-year tenure into something he no longer recognized, when really Goldman has always been a stinging scorpion. (Disclosure: my wife is the editor-in-chief of Grand Central Publishing, although she had nothing to do with editing Smith's book, and neither of us has read it.)" [Bloomberg] $$$ Republicans Pulling Money Out of Soup Kitchen Where Paul Ryan Pretended to Wash Dishes [DI]