PIMCO gets Wells notice; Deutsche Bank probe; Greenlight losses; Twitter; "Hitchhiking robot's journey ends with Philadelphia mugging"; and more.

Twitter needs to get its sh*t together; China looking for scapegoat; Hedge fund losses; "One-Wheeled 'Hoverboard' Rolling Onto Market"; and more.

$$$ TARP’s Smallest Recipient Repays, Treasury Reaps $62,000 [Real Time Economics] $$$ Peter Madoff Gets 10 Years for Aiding Brother’s Ponzi Scheme [Bloomberg] $$$ Role of Brokers in UBS Scandal Draws Scrutiny [WSJ] $$$ "At long last the New York Stock Exchange has achieved its main goal in recent years: consumption by a beast higher on the food chain." [NetNet / John Carney] $$$ This Handy Vibrator Is a Great Place to Store Your Pitch Decks [BetaBeat] $$$ Franklin Templeton is looking for a director of portfolio analysis and investment risk in San Mateo, CA [DBCC] $$$ San Bernardino paid $2 million in cash-outs before bankruptcy filing [Reuters] $$$ Making It Easier to Estimate Libor Losses [DealBook] $$$ US banks face rise in bad loans cover [FT] $$$ Pope already beating Justin Bieber’s rate of Twitter retweets — just a week after launching account [NYDN]

$$$ Spain reveals €100bn capital flight [FT] $$$ Spain Says It Has Months to Raise Bank-Bailout Funds [WSJ] $$$ Market Braces for What Could Be Another Weak Jobs Report [CNBC] $$$ Goldman’s Cohn Warns Of Poaching Risks From Further Cuts [Bloomberg] $$$ Larry Fink's hedge-fund-manager son Josh isn't having a great time of it [AR-Alpha] $$$ "T. Boone Pickens, who apparently follows Drake on Twitter, sure isn't [impressed], replying 'The first billion is a helluva lot harder' with a mic-drop retweet." [Gizmodo] $$$ RAND Corporation is looking for a business analyst in Santa Monica [DBCC] $$$ Blankfein Expected to Testify at Gupta Trial [WSJ] $$$ JPMorgan CIO Swaps Pricing Said to Differ From Bank [Bloomberg] $$$ Felix Salmon is in a fight with a startup that has "has the best part of $300,000 in interest-free financing repayable at a time of its choosing in underwear." [Reuters] $$$ "'They signed off on their messages with LOL — laughing out loud,' Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said. 'Well, there was a person who was laughing out loud. That was Police Officer Michael Rodrigues of the 77th Precinct.'" [NYP] $$$ Try "the Douche Burger, a $666 edible fiscal disaster that piles caviar, lobster & truffles on top of a foie-stuffed, gold-leaf-wrapped Kobe patty, smothers it with Gruyere melted with Champagne steam, and finishes it off with BBQ sauce made using Kopi Luwak coffee that's passed through the digestive tract of the Asian Palm Civet, explaining why it 'may not taste good, but will make you feel rich as f*ck.'" [Thrillist via Copyranter]

Short sellers hitting energy at near-crisis levels; RBS pays CEO £3.8m as it reports £2bn loss; 38% of Florida voters believe Ted Cruz could be the Zodiac Killer; and more.

$$$ Inside a Star Hedge Fund: Lots of Big Bets, Built Fast [WSJ] $$$ Fed pushes banks to ignore rivals when setting bonuses [Reuters] $$$ JPMorgan Board Backs CEO Dimon as Chairman, Pays Zames More [Bloomberg] $$$ The Senate Drafts the SEC's Case Against JPMorgan [BBW] $$$ "A J.P. Morgan Chase employee climbed onstage at a black-tie dinner held on Wall Street Thursday night and accepted an award on behalf of the embattled bank for 'best crisis management.' ... Kathy Hu, an executive director in J.P. Morgan’s investor relations department, accepted the award and quipped: 'Can I just say, "Crisis? What crisis?"' J.P. Morgan beat out nominees Chevron Corp., which struggled with a refinery fire last year, and St. Jude Medical Inc., which battled heart-device problems." [Deal Journal] $$$ Pope calls Argentine kiosk owner to cancel paper delivery [CNA] $$$ Hey, Let Harvard Alumni Have Their Fun This Morning [DI] $$$ Deutsche Bank mulls raising fixed pay to counter EU bonus rules [Reuters] $$$ Judges’ Spat Strikes a Chord Among Deal Makers [DealBook] $$$ "Now some distressed debt investors get to find out what exactly it is you buy when you buy American-issued debt in a company incorporated in the Cayman Islands and doing business in China. I suspect the answer will be 'not much.'" [DealBook] $$$ "Henry Blodget is, in all seriousness, an artist of the internet whose methods should be studied and analyzed for future generations." [Gawker] $$$ "Finally I should note that the rectal gonorrhoea is the reason for my odour." Investment research! [Bronte Capital]

$$$ Dell Shares Surge After Report of Possible Buyout [DealBook] $$$ Herbalife Rises to Highest Price Since Ackman Pyramid Allegation [Bloomberg] $$$ Guy prefers startups to banking [Pando Daily] $$$ Obama Said to Consider Morgan Stanley’s Porat at Treasury [Bloomberg] $$$ Nudists Seek Corporate Sponsor Looking for Greater Exposure [WSJ] $$$ A multi family office is looking for a senior private banker to cover LatAm markets or US onshore clients from Miami [DBCC] $$$ Skowron Fights Bank $$$ "Bank robbers have made off with an unknown amount of loot after digging a 100-foot tunnel into a Berlin bank from a nearby parking garage. To get into the building, they broke through two concrete walls. Police have no leads." [Der Spiegel] $$$ The Wall Street Journal Has Bedbugs [DI] $$$ Holy Crap, These Dogs Interrupting A Soccer Match Are Adorable [Deadspin]

$$$ Hedge fund scorecard 2012: Mortgage masters win, Paulson on bottom again [Reuters] $$$ Watchdog Says U.S. Treasury Failed to Curb AIG, GM Pay [Bloomberg] $$$ Buffett Said to Have Expressed Interest in Buying NYSE Euronext [DealBook] $$$ Yahoo Profit Drops but Revenue Rises [CNBC] $$$ Henry Blodget got on a plane and the plane went way up in the sky and it was good to be on the plane but then there was pee-pee on the plane and the pee-pee wasn't good [BI, but mostly Twitter] $$$ A global financial firm is looking for a quant in New York [DBCC] $$$ Jana Chides Agrium Over CEO Comments [Deal Journal] $$$ FTC Action Leads Court to Halt Alleged Pyramid Scheme [FTC] $$$ People don't want to kill robots [NPR] $$$ Here is an amazing picture of the Queen of the Netherlands, who quit today [Qz]