$$$ LIBOR Pains: How Much Will the LIBOR Scandal Cost US Banks? $35 Billion [MarketPlace/Heidi Moore] $$$ Matthew Goldstein: JPMorgan disclosed possible misconduct to feds ahead of earnings [Reuters] $$$ PFG Founder Has No Money For Attorney [CNBC] $$$ Bernanke Offers Bleak View in Testimony [WSJ] $$$ Plane Flying Above Penn State Warns: “Take Down The Statue Or We Will” [Deadspin] $$$ Gupta Seeks Help From Friends for Lenient Sentence [FBN/Charlie Gasparino] $$$ HSBC Executive Resigns at Senate Money Laundering Hearing [Bloomberg] $$$ Teens Having Sex Behind Ikea, Locals Say [DNAI]

$$$ Fed Maintains $85 Billion Pace of Monthly Asset Purchases [Bloomberg] $$$ Lenders Balk at New Cyprus Aid Plan [WSJ] $$$ Medvedev lambasts EU over Cyprus levy [FT] $$$ "A redesigned package may well go “the full Iceland”; look after the locals and shaft the foreigners." [Paweł Morski] $$$ SAC Capital up 4 percent this year as probe continues [Reuters] $$$ "So in the battle of the scumbags, who should we be rooting for? It's kind of like the Russians fighting the Germans during World War II because you want them both to lose." - Charlie Gasparino on Bill Ackman and Carl Icahn [HuffPo] $$$ "Nine top Barclays executives including Chief Executive Antony Jenkins and investment banking head Rich Ricci received £40.3 million ($60.8 million) in shares Wednesday from earlier-year incentive plans, a month after the bank said it would take a stricter line on pay." [WSJ] $$$ Bondholders withdraw claim Penney was in default on bond terms [Reuters] $$$ Synthetic CDOs Making Comeback as Yields Juiced [Bloomberg] $$$ UK-based cannabinoid therapeutics developer GW Pharmaceuticals files for US IPO [Renaissance Capital] $$$ "America's corporate boards could use a Martin Lipton 2.0." [Breakingviews] $$$ Hamptons Landlords Suing Over Reality-Show Semen Stains [DI]

Bats Global IPO; World figures deny wrongdoing as 'Panama Papers' reveal offshore wealth; SocGen says it follows tax rules; National Poo Museum exhibits encourage excitement for excrement; and more.

$$$ Plaintiffs' lawyers somehow turn nonbinding "say on pay" votes into shakedown opportunity [Reuters, related] $$$ How a desperate HP suspended disbelief for Autonomy deal [Reuters] $$$ Virtu, Getco Start Examining Knight Trading’s Books [Deal Journal] $$$ Carl Icahn and the Oshkosh board are still fighting [WSJ] $$$ National Bank of Poland Working Paper: "Would it have paid to be in the eurozone?" (Spoiler: no) [NBP] $$$ John Cochrane and Cliff Asness critique Warren Buffett on taxes [Grumpy Economist] $$$ Somebody's using bitcoins [BBW] $$$ A financial institution is looking for a risk manager in Charlotte [DBCC] $$$ Detroit on the Verge of Insolvency, Again [WSJ] $$$ Duke Energy’s Latest C.E.O. Drama [DealBook] $$$ Goldman Pushes Subprime ABX Index as Housing Rebounds [Bloomberg] $$$ BlackRock, Rialto Dump Some of Their ‘Skin’ in CMBS Game [MarketBeat] $$$ Lindsay Lohan Gets Unsolicited Legal Advice from Manhattan Madam Kristin Davis [NYO]

NY wants foreign banks to turn over Panama records; Blackstone hedge funds falls 15%; Motorist Crashes Into Walmart, Blames God; and more.

Pump and dump scams on the rise; Billionaires battle in the Bahamas; "Ohio man fined $500 for zombie nativity scene"; and more.

Greece says it will default in June if people don't get their asses in gear; Can you sue your boss for sending late night work emails?; "For $300, You Can Drink Gin Made From The Bodies Of Foraged Ants"; Leon Black loves Carl Icahn; Feces ruin PA Sweet 16; and more.

Block calls U.S. stocks rally 'dead cat bounce'; Strategist says Trump is a wild card for the markets; Naked Female Motorist Leads New Mexico Cops On 100 MPH Chase, Says She Was Too Hot For Clothes; and more.