$$$ Goldman to Stagger Managing Director Class Starting After 2013 [Deal Journal] $$$ "Hedge fund billionaire John Paulson's Gold Fund tumbled 18 percent last month when gold and gold mining stocks slid further ..." [Reuters] $$$ Dow Average Rises to Record as Jobless Claims Decline [Bloomberg] $$$ ECB sticks to its monetary guns [FT] $$$ Facebook Unveils Sweeping Changes to News Feed [WSJ] $$$ Columbia students have been stealing Nutella [NYT] $$$ A company is looking for a portfolio manager to join a commercial real estate team in New York [DBCC] $$$ For mortgage masters, 2013 is a bond-picker's market [Reuters] $$$ Inconsistent Risk Assessment by Banks Isn't That Bad [NetNet / John Carney] $$$ Want a Secure Retirement? Move to Slovenia [NBC] $$$ "The US Government must have stolen half of a glass of water." Take The Zero-Hedge Test [Cassandra Does Tokyo] $$$ Person laughs at own joke [BI]

$$$ Geithner: Ready to Go Over 'Cliff' If Taxes Don't Rise [CNBC] $$$ Republicans weigh swallowing tax hike on the wealthy [Reuters] $$$ SEC's Top Markets Official to Leave [WSJ] $$$ Wells Fargo Banker Sued by SEC in Probe of Insider Trading [Bloomberg] $$$ Paulson Says Real-Estate Fund Performing Well [WSJ] $$$ John McAfee Seeks Asylum, Thanks God for 'Sanity' [ABC] $$$ A Chicago-based proprietary trading firm is looking to hire a quantitative futures analyst/trader [DBCC] $$$ Facebook To Join QQQ’s Index Dec. 12 [IndexUniverse] $$$ Nasdaq attorney calls on SEC to review proxy rules [Reuters] $$$ Europe bond market set for holdout reform [FT] $$$ Will Citi's Massive Layoffs Be Enough? [CNBC] $$$ Man Shoots Girlfriend in the Back for Not Taking the Possibility of a Zombie Apocalypse Seriously [Gawker]

Ex-BankAtlantic CEO gets bar, fine; "Alleged penis-measuring exec charged in blood diamond scam"; Uber v. Brazil; "A Harvard employee has been accused of stealing $80,000 from the university and spending it on Lego and Apple products."; and more.

Bill Ackman Is a Star at Tribeca Film Festival, Even As He’s Losing Billions; Bellagio Named Favorite Hotel Of The Rich; Bros Fake Zombie Apocalypse For Drugged Sister’s Ride Home From Surgery; and more.

$$$ European Economic Outlook Dims Amid Leaders’ Impasse [NYT] $$$ U.S. Bank Lending Falls, Profits Rise [WSJ] $$$ Buffett’s Goldman Deal Is Topic in an Insider Case [DealBook] $$$ Study Finds Germans Incapable of Enjoying Life [Der Spiegel] $$$ This happened: New York nun asks Blankfein if he'll hire her, Blankfein says "I don't think I couldoutbid your current employer" #godswork— Tracy Alloway (@tracyalloway) May 24, 2012 $$$ Man who formerly claimed to be a "certified member of the quiet society of pimps" and asked to be certified as an expert witness in pimpology now says "I was a failure as a pimp. I was a much better car salesman, I was a much better telemarketer, I was much better when I was selling mortgages by phone. I really wasn't very good at it. A lot of it was exaggerated." [NYP, earlier] $$$ A leading electronic trading platform is looking for a CDS / fixed income sales associate [DBCC] $$$ Big European funds dump euro assets [FT] $$$ Facebook market makers' losses total at least $100 million [Reuters] $$$ This is some enjoyable Eliot Spitzer schadenfreude [Concurring Opinions] $$$ "The festival features 10 different types of bacon, plus all things bacon — bacon sausage, bacon meatballs, bacon doughnuts, bacon butterscotch cupcakes — even a walking slab of bacon! There’s a bacon-eating contest, bacon lectures and a bacon song contest — and yes, there’s a crowning of the Bacon Queen! Contestants are asked questions like their favorite memory of bacon, their favorite kind of bacon and their favorite way to cook bacon (the most common answer is “naked,” incidentally)." [CNBC] $$$ Unabomber lists self as ‘prisoner’ in Harvard directory [Boston Globe]

$$$ Third Point’s Loeb Warns Yahoo Chief of Looming Proxy Fight [DealBook] $$$ "LightSquared has retained two of the most prominent conservative litigators in the country — Theodore Olson and Eugene Scalia — in a sign it could be preparing to launch a court battle against the FCC." [Politico] $$$ SEC Details Charges Against Pre-IPO Funds [WSJ] $$$ Surprisingly, placing third at the Jewish Olympics makes you only an average ping-pong player [BI] $$$ "Talk about selfish, such accomplishments didn't help anyone but him! There is no customer that will pay for self-indulgent status climbing in irrelevant hierarchies, regardless of how much we encourage our kids to play such games. That is, ping pong is a fabulous avocation, a pathetic vocation." [Falkenblog] $$$ How would you like to be an equity portfolio associate for PIMCO in Newport Beach? [DBCC] $$$ Bernanke says Fed to make bank rules clearer [Reuters] $$$ Pension funds don't want 100-year gilts [FT] $$$ Fitch Revises U.K.’s Sovereign Rating Outlook to Negative [Bloomberg] $$$ Pulitzer Prize-winning financial reporter Jesse Eisinger explains how he prepared for his role in The Social Network: "I became a billionaire to see what it felt like. I already knew about how to be rejected by girls, so that was easy. My role in Zombieland was much more difficult to prepare for." [Reddit] $$$ Former brothel owner makes Olympic team [MSN]

$$$ Standard Chartered Accused of Hiding Transactions With Iranians $$$ Banks Say Loan Applications Rise [WSJ] $$$ Chesapeake asset sale lifts profits, shares rise [Reuters] $$$ Swiss Brace for Talks with US on Secret Accounts [Reuters] $$$ U.S. judo Olympian kicked out for "accidentally" eating pot [NYDN] $$$ Harvard Management is looking for a quantitative risk analytics senior associate and a position management associate [DBCC] $$$ Magnetar synthetic CDO construction and marketing: the emails [ProPublica] $$$ German bank has CDO case against Aladdin, court says [Reuters] $$$ Facebook Bears Garner 500% Profit From Structured Product Bets [Bloomberg] $$$ What Mitt Romney Bought at the Hardware Store [DI]

Billionaire bachelors; AIG profit (or lack thereof); Greece; Oil; Tiny penguin sweaters; AND MORE.