Recession 2016; Lacker not worried about China in US; Busted Michigan "Sex Toy Bandits" Make Crowdfunding Pitch For Wedding Funds; and more.

$$$ Dow Hits Highest Close Ever [WSJ] $$$ Venezuela's Hugo Chavez dies from cancer [Reuters] $$$ FBI joins SEC in computer trading probe [FT] $$$ Wall Street 'Deal Toy' Indicator Flashes a Bullish Sign [CNBC] $$$ A Friendly Conversation with a Banker [The Billfold] $$$ There Is A Petition To Make R Kelly's “Ignition (Remix)” The National Anthem [BuzzFeed] $$$ An international trading house is looking for a Dodd-Frank compliance officer for its swap dealer business [DBCC] $$$ Citigroup Books $579M for Pay Plan Shareholders Panned [Bloomberg] $$$ Board Patience Wears Thin at Penney [WSJ] $$$ Buybacks, M&A, and de-equitisation [FTAV] $$$ ISDA to Send Credit-Default Swaps Changes to Traders [MarketBeat] $$$ The FBI is looking for a drone, if you've seen it [FBI]

China panic; Rate hike; Making UBS look human; "In a bid to dodge DUI and drug charges, a 24-year-old Floridian allegedly offered to perform sex acts upon three separate cops, solicitations that were rejected and resulted in bribery charges being filed against the woman."; and more

$$$ ECB thinks the unthinkable, action likely weeks away [Reuters] $$$ Private equity assets hit record $3tn [FT] $$$ Economy Tests Harvard [WSJ] $$$ Guy seeks attention by pretending he manipulated Libor [Boston Review, related] $$$ Chivalry On Sinking Ships Only A Myth, Researchers Find [Bloomberg] $$$ Macquarie Research is looking for a REIT research associate in New York [DBCC] $$$ A Berlusconi Comeback Is Last Thing Italy Needs [Bloomberg] $$$ Here you will find a Fox Business segment on The Decathlon featuring an NBA vs. Wall Street vertical jump contest [FBN] $$$ Here you will find an argument for replacing the uncomfortable business metaphor "opening the kimono" with "putting a ruler to the dick" [Mathbabe] $$$ "Many scientists don’t like to talk about shark sex," but some do [LRB]

Hedge fund shutterings; Wall Street sick of Chiptole; Elderly Woman Claims Neighbor Chanted 'ISIS Is Good, ISIS Is Great' During Sex; and more.

Greece; Puerto Rico; JPM cyber security; "I had sex in the cockpit: A flight attendant’s confessions"; and more.

China easing; Dalio says Fed will ease; "Woman drinks an entire £120 bottle of cognac at airport security because liquids aren't allowed in hand luggage"; and more.

$$$ U.S. To Sell $4.5 Billion In AIG Stock In Public Offering [Bloomberg] $$$ Hiring Climbs but Jobless Rate Ticks Up [WSJ] $$$ Bloomberg wants to develop a Libor alternative and call it Blibor [WSJ] $$$ What's the Exxon Valdez up to these days? [Bloomberg] $$$ "I think there's just something about getting into chlorine water that you just automatically go." - Ryan Lochte [AP] $$$ An investing bank is looking for a Ph.D. quant for their derivatives modeling team, if that's of interest [DBCC] $$$ Or consider supporting a second edition of Doug Henwood's book Wall Street, "the best leftwing book on actually-existing-capitalism that’s been written in the last couple of decades," if that's more your thing [Crooked Timber] $$$ Financial weapons of mass irony [Reuters] $$$ Futures are swaps in reality but not in regulatory arbitrage [Streetwise Professor] $$$ Mustaches keep you safe from radiation [WaPo]